Hetalia: Musical Powers
by DeathbladeMeister
Summary: Hetalia characters, in musicals! Featuring Starkid, Broadway, and West End phenomena!
1. AVPM

_**AVPM**_

**Act 1 Scene 1**

Prussia/Harry: Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. Can't believe how cruel they are and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never ever give me what I want.

I know I don't deserve these stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on Privet Drive. Can't take all of these Muggles but despite all of my struggles, I'm still alive…

I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, its September and I'm skipping this town. Hey, it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me now…I gotta get back to Hogwarts!

I gotta get back to school. I gotta get myself to Hogwarts, where everybody knows I'm cool.

Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and some magical feasts, it's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts! Hogwarts, I think I'm going back.

I'm gonna see my friends, gonna laugh 'till we cry; take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky. No way this year is anyone gonna die and it's gonna be totally awesome!

I'll cast some spells with the flick of my wand. Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah, bring it on!

And do it all with my best friend Ron 'cause together we're totally awesome…

America/Ron: Yeah 'cause together we're totally awesome!

America/Ron (speech): Did somebody say Ron Weasley? Woo! Hey what's up buddy?

Prussia/Harry: Hey! (Man hugs)

America/Ron: Sorry it took me so long to get here I had…to go get…some…Floo Powder but, uh, we gotta get going so get your trunk and let's go.

Prussia/Harry: Where are we going?

America/Ron: To Diagon Alley, of course!

Prussia/Harry: Cool!

America/Ron: Come on!

America and Prussia/Ron and Harry (running around flapping their arms): Floo Powder Power – Floo Powder Power – Floo Powder Power – Floo Powder Power – Floo Powder Power!

America/Ron (singing): It's been so long…

Both: …but we're going back!

America/Ron: Don't go for work, don't go there for class!

Prussia/Harry: As long as we're together…

America/Ron: …gonna kick some ass…

Both: …and it's going to be totally awesome! This year we'll take everybody by storm; stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm!

Britain/Hermione: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLs…

America/Ron: Whoa, God Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?

Britain/Hermione: Because guys, school's not all about having fun. We have to work hard if we want to be good witches and wizards. (singing) I may by frumpy but I'm super smart. Check out my grades, there A's for a start.

What I lack in looks, well, I make up in heart and guess what guys that is totally awesome! This year I plan to study a lot.

America/Ron: That would be cool if you were actually hot.

Prussia/Harry: Hey Ron, lay off, we're the only friends that she's got…

…and that's cool…

Britain/Hermione: …and that's totally awesome!

All Three: Yeah, it's so cool and it's totally awesome! We're sick of summer and this waiting around. It's like we're sitting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, for anyone to see how…We gotta get back to Hogwarts! We gotta get back to school. Gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everything is magi-cool.

Cast: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and some magical feasts. It's that all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts! Hogwarts, I think we're going back.

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 2**

Canada/Ginny: Ron!

You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkin's and use those sickles Mum gave you for my robe fittings!

Prussia/Harry: Uh, who's this?

America/Ron: Uh, This is stupid, little, dumb sister Ginny. She's a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry.

Prussia/Harry: Hey.

America/Ron: Harry Potter. It's Harry Potter.

Canada/Ginny: You're Harry Potter. You're the Boy-Who-Lived.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, you're Ginny.

Canada/Ginny: It's Ginevra.

Prussia/Harry: Cool, Ginny's fine.

America/Ron: Stupid sister, -clap-, don't crowd the famous friend. -laugh-

Britain/Hermione: Do you guys here music or something?

Prussia/Harry: Music? What are you talking about?

America/Ron: Yeah, uh, someone's coming.

Prussia/Harry: Someone's coming?

Belgium, China and Ukraine/Cho and Friends: Cho Chang! Domo arigatto, Cho Chang! Gung hey fat choy Chang! Happy, Happy New Year, Cho Chang!

Canada/Ginny: Oh, who's that?

Prussia/Harry: That's Cho Chang.

America/Ron: That's the girl that Harry's totally been in love with since freshman year.

Britain/Hermione: Yeah, but he won't say anything to her.

America/Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl that you like her; it makes you look like an idiot.

Canada/Ginny: Konichiwa Cho Chang, it is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley.

China/Lavender: Bitch! I ain't Cho Chang!

America/Ron: That's Lavender Brown –clap- racist sister!

Belgium/Cho: Hey, it's all right. I'm Cho Chang y'all.

Prussia/Harry: She is totally perfect.

America/Ron: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory though, huh?

Prussia/Harry: What?

Who the hell is Cedric Diggory? What is that, who is that guy?

France/Cedric: Cho Chang, I am so in love with Cho Chang! From Bangkok to Ding Dang, I'll sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!

Prussia/Harry: I hate that guy. I hate him.

America/Ron: So, are we gonna go get those robes or not?

Canada/Ginny: Okay, alright, I'm going.

America/Ron: God sister! (They leave and Neville enters to run in with Crabbe and Goyle)

Italy/Goyle: Present your arm, nerd! Indian Burn Hex!

America/Ron: Oh, Crabbe and Goyle…

Canada/Ginny: Are you okay?

Prussia/Harry: Hey, why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?

Italy/Goyle: Well, well, well, if it isn't Harry Potter?

You think just because you're famous, you can boss everyone around!

Prussia/Harry: No, I just don't think it's cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville. Come on…

Italy/Goyle: Oh, well you know what I think? I think glasses are for nerds! (breaks glasses) We hate nerds…

Romano/Crabbe: And girls…

America/Ron: Well, you asked for it. You don't mess with Harry Potter, he beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby.

Britain/Hermione: Alright, everyone just calm down. _Occulous Repairo!_

Prussia/Harry: Wow, cool.

Britain/Hermione: Okay, now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, I'm getting out of here…

Hungary/Draco: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?

Prussia/Harry: What do you want Draco?

Hungary/Draco: Crabbe, Goyle, be a pair of purple doves and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher calibre wizard.

Prussia/Harry: Hey, listen Malfoy; Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Hungary/Draco: Have it your way. Wait! Don't tell me; red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion, you must be a Weasley.

America/Ron: Oh my god, lay off Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay, but she's my pain in the ass.

Hungary/Draco: Well, isn't this cute? It's like a little loser family.

Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferred to Pigfarts. (singing) This year you'll bet, gonna get out of here. The reign of Malfoy is drawing near. I'll have the greatest wizard career, it's gonna be totally awesome! Look out world for the dawn of the day, when everyone will do whatever I say and Potter won't be in my way and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!

Italy/Goyle: Yeah, you'll be the one who is totally awesome!

CHOO CHOO

Britain/Hermione: Hurry guys, or we'll miss the train!

Cast: Who knows how fast this year's gonna go? Hand me a glass, let the Butterbeer flow…

Prussia/Harry: Maybe at last I'll talk to Cho?

America/Ron: Oh no, that would be way too awesome!

Cast: We're back to learn everything that we can. It's great to come back to where we began and here we are and ALAKAZAM! Here we go and this is totally awesome! Come on and teach us everything you know. The summer's over and we're itching to go.

Latvia/Neville: I think we're ready for, Albus Dumbledore!

Cast: Ah! Ah!

Germany/Dumbledore: WELCOME!

All of you to Hogwarts. I welcome all you to school. Did you know that here at Hogwarts, we've got a hidden swimming pool?

Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts! Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools! Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts (speech) I'd like to go over just a couple of rules. My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore…suppose you could also call me Albus if you want a detention. Oh, I'm just kidding, I'll expel yah if you call me Albus.

Cast: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends, to…

Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw! Slytherin!

Back to the place where our story begins at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Germany/Dumbledore: I'm sorry, what ch'you say?

Cast: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Germany/Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!

Cast: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Prussia/Harry: Man, I'm glad I'm back!

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 3**

GermanyDumbledore: Yes, Yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts and a very special welcome to my favourite student, Mr. Harry Potter.

America/Ron: Woo! Woo!

Germany/Dumbledore: He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby, he's even got the lightning scar for the proof.

Germany/Dumbledore: And another very special welcome to our newest edition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny…excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley.

Canada/Ginny: Yeah, I'm a girl and, um, also aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat?

Germany/Dumbledore: Well, um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren't going to be back until next year.

France/Cedric: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

Germany/Dumbledore: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

Anyway, it is time for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions Professor, Mr. Severus Snape.

America/Ron: Ah man, Snape, I had hoped they fired that guy.

Canada/Ginny: What's wrong with Professor Snape?

America/Ron: Ah nothing, he's just, uh, evil.

Prussia/Harry: Come on Ron, he's really not that bad.

Switzerland/Snape: Harry Potter, detention.

Prussia/Harry: What?

Switzerland/Snape: For talking out of turn.

Now, before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very first pop-quiz. Can anyone tell me what a Portkey is? Ah yes, Miss Granger…

Britain/Hermione: A Portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones that touch it to anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter.

Switzerland/Snape: Oh very good…now can anyone tell what foreshadowing is? Yes, Miss Granger?

Britain/Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.

Switzerland/Snape: Perfect!

America/Ron: What's a Portkey again? I missed that one.

Britain/Hermione: Oh, a Portkey is something that (Ron: Not you, oh my god.) when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere.

Switzerland/Snape: And remember a Portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object like a football or... a dolphin.

China/Lavender: Professor, can like a person be a Portkey?

Switzerland/Snape: No, that's absurd. If that person were to ever touch themselves… (looks at America/Ron)

…They would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a Horcrux.

Prussia/Harry: What's, uh, what's a Horcrux?

Switzerland/Snape: I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough.

Britain/Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?

Switzerland/Snape: Oh no, no-no point in particular, just important information that everyone should know; especially you. Now, moving right along there are four houses in all: Gryffindor,

Gryffindors: Woo!

Switzerland/Snape: Ravenclaw,

Ravenclaws: Ow!

Switzerland/Snape: Hufflepuff,

France/Cedric: Find!

Switzerland/Snape: What? And Slytherin.

Slytherins: Yessssssss!

Switzerland/Snape: Now, tra….traditionally points are given for good behaviour and deducted for rule breaking. Example, 10 points from Gryffindor!

Gryffindors: What? Why?

Switzerland/Snape: For Miss Granger's excessive baby fat.

America and Prussia/Ron and Harry: Thanks Hermione.

Switzerland/Snape: Traditionally, the House with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we're doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Darks Arts, Professor Quirrell.

Prussia/Harry: Ow! Ah, ah!

Lithuania/Quirrell: House Cup, a time honoured tradition: for centuries…

Hungary/Draco: Go home terrorist!

Lithuania/Quirrell: For centuries, the four Houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honour and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from and what are the…roots of the competition?

Britain/Hermione: The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts' students.

Lithuania/Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.

Germany/Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.

America/Ron: Thanks Hermione.

Lithuania/Quirrell: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated, it was of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks, challenges. The winner would not only win the Cup but would also win eternal glory.

Britain/Hermione: Kind of like a House Cup or…no…like a Triwizard Tournament.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yes, kind of like the Triwizard Tournament except no, not like that at all. There are four houses, how could it be the Triwizard Tournament with 4 teams?

Britain/Hermione: Well, uh, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after 1 semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous but the rewards far out way the risks.

Britain/Hermione: No, I don't think you heard me,

I just said somebody died!

Germany/Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lop-sided mouth and quit interrupting, twenty more points.

America and Prussia/Ron and Harry: Thanks Hermione!

Germany/Dumbledore: God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points to Dumbledore.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yes, yes well it will be very dangerous but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the Professor of Dense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to…

Poland/Voldemort: Achoo!

Germany/Dumbledore: Did your turban just sneeze?

Lithuania/Quirrell: Um, sir, no.

Germany/Dumbledore: I could have just sworn I heard coming from your direction but your mouth wasn't moving.

Lithuania/Quirrell: No, that-that was simply a fart, excuse me.

Poland/Voldemort: Achoo!

Prussia/Harry: Ow! Ow! Oow! Holy Jesus, oh my…ow.

Poland/Voldemort: Achoo!

Lithuania/Quirrell: I simply farted once more.

Germany/Dumbledore: In accordance to the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from every house will be selected to compete so, Snape, will you do the honours for me?

Switzerland/Snape: Yes Headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw House, Miss Cho Chang.

Belgium/Cho: Oh my god I won, I can't believe it y'all.

Switzerland/Snape: Next from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.

France/Cedric: Well, I don't _find_ this surprising at all.

Belgium/Cho: I find it perfect that I get to spend more time with my little boyfriend.

France/Cedric: I as well, my darling. (kiss)

Switzerland/Snape: Next, from the Slytherins, Draco Malfoy.

Hungary/Draco: Ha! Ho! I finally beat you, didn't I Potter? What do you think of that huh? I'm the champion this time!

Germany/Dumbledore: Draco, would you sit down you little shit, champion is just a title.

Switzerland/Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor House, oh my. Well, isn't this curious? The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he might lose his life…

Latvia/Neville: If it's me, I just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors now, for when I lose…

Switzerland/Snape: Sit down you inarticulate bumble, it's Harry Potter.

America/Ron: Woo! Woo!

Germany/Dumbledore: Here they are folks, the four Hogwarts' champions. I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months and it could be anything….so let's get to it.

Students: Cho Chang! Cho Chang!

Hungary/Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy…

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 4**

Ron: Harry, you've got this tournament in the bag.

Harry: I don't know man, Cedric Diggory is pretty awesome NOT! He sucks! I'm totally going win this. Yeah!

Hermione: I don't know Harry.

Ron: Oh my god, Hermione shut up! Why do you have to rain on everyone's parade?

Hermione: Because Ron, this is dangerous.

Harry: Dangerous, oh come on Hermione, how dangerous could this be especially for me?

Hermione: Well, you're not invincible Harry. Somebody died in this tournament.

Harry: Uh, I'm the Boy-That-Lived not Died. God, what's the worst that can happen?

Hermione: And I don't about that Quirrell character. You know first we resurrects some horrible ancient tournament and then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt and you have to admit there was something really funky about the back of his head.

Harry: Come one think about it, Professor Quirrell is a professor and who hires the professors…

Ron and Harry: Dumbledore's

Harry: the smartest, most awesomest, most practical wizard, (Ron: beautiful) beautiful wizard in the whole world. Why would he possibly hire somebody who's trying to hurt me?

Hermione: I mean, what about Snape?

Harry: What about Snape?

Hermione: He's hated you for years and he hated your parents too, Harry everybody knows that, and he just so happens to pick your name out of the House Cup out of hundreds if not five potential Gryffindors.

Harry: Yeah, what a coincidence, we lucked out!

Hermione: No, Harry, I don't think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made a lot of enemies, ones you might not even know about.

Harry: Alright, so let me get this straight; you think this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me?

Hermione: I don't know…maybe! Anyway I just think that it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it.

Harry: Alright Hermione, if it means that much to you, I'll drop out.

Hermione: Oh thank you Harry!

Ron: Wait, wait, WHAT? The House Cup? What about all the eternal glory you could win? Come on!

Harry: Hey, eternal glory, already got enough. Besides, Neville will be a great champion…

Ron: No, no, no I do NOT want Shlongbottom to be my champion.

Hermione: Look all you have to do is, look! There's Dumbledore, why don't you just talk him now and tell him that you're dropping out?

Harry: Um, listen Hermione, Dumbledore and I are really really cool, we're super tight, I don't want him to think I'm being lazy or being disrespectful or anything so why don't you tell him? Just tell him I wanna work on school or something. Alright? Hey, you've got this one (taps her nose). You got it.

Hermione: Alright.

Harry: Don't worry about it.

Hermione: Dumbledore?

Germany/Dumbledore: Yes Granger?

Britain/Hermione: Um, I need to talk to you for a moment; it's about the, uh, House Cup Tournament. Um, well, first of all I think it's an awful idea but, um, second of all I don't think that Harry Potter should compete.

Germany/Dumbledore: Granger, why do you always have to be such a big stick in the mud, huh? Pray tell me why Harry Potter should not compete?

Britain/Hermione: Well, uh, because he…wants to study.

Germany/Dumbledore: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you.

Britain/Hermione: Uh, okay, well, he-he wants to focus on the OWLs.

Germany/Dumbledore: Why couldn't Harry have told me this himself? He thinks I'm cool, we're tight!

Britain/Hermione: No, Professor, I'm a really bad liar, okay? I-I think it's a ruse; a set-up and I even think that Snape might be trying to kill Harry Potter.

Germany/Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met. Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just about as much as he's trying to kill me, huh?

Switzerland/Snape: Oh why Professor Dumbledore, I just happen to be in the kitchen and I made you this delicious sandwich.

Germany/Dumbledore: Why thank you Severus! Do you see Granger, how thoughtful?

Switzerland/Snape: Here you are Professor, bomb appeti-oh I mean bon appetite. (beep beep beep beep)

Britain/Hermione: Um, is that sandwich ticking?

Germany/Dumbledore: It looked like it's licking; finger-licking good.

Britain/Hermione: Professor, I don't think you should eat that sandwich.

Germany/Dumbledore: What, Granger, you should listen to Snape more often you might even get a sandwich out of it. Granger, what the hell…GRANGER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-Boom-

You done gone exploded my sandwich!

Britain/Hermione: I'm sorry sir!

Germany/Dumbledore: Hey, even if I did believe Harry Potter was in danger he has to compete. You see that Cup? (Hermione: Yes!) It's enchanted; whosever name comes out of the Cup has to compete or the results would be bad.

Britain/Hermione: What do you mean bad?

Germany/Dumbledore: Try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

Britain/Hermione: A total photonic reversal!

Germany/Dumbledore: Yeah, so you see, he has to compete and Hermione if it makes you feel any better the last guy to die in the tournament was a Hufflepuff so, um, I'll keep my eyes open but nothing's gonna get past old Dumbledore. I gotta go make myself another sandwich though I don't know how it's going to be as good as the last one. The last one ticked!

Britain/Hermione: Because it was a bomb…Harry, I'm so sorry but I think you're going to have to compete in the House Cup Tournament but don't worry! I won't rest until I find out what the first task is.

America/Ron: And I'll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.

Prussia/Harry: Alright, you're awesome.

Hungary/Draco: Well, isn't this touching?

America/Ron: Oh my god, just butt out Malfoy!

Hungary/Draco: My father and I have a bet you know. He says you won't last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you won't last five minutes at Pigfarts.

Prussia/Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?

Hungary/Draco: Oh, never heard of it? Huh, figures, famous Potter doesn't even know about Pigfarts.

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy, don't act like you don't wanna talk about it. That's like the ninth time you've mentioned Pigfarts. What's Pigfarts?

Hungary/Draco: Pigfarts is only the greatest Wizarding School in the galaxy. It's where I'm being transferred next year.

Britain/Hermione: Malfoy, I've never heard of that.

Hungary/Draco: That's because Pigfarts is on Mars.

Prussia/Harry: You know Malfoy, we're trying to have a conversation here so can you just leave us alone?

Hungary/Draco: No, no, I'm not even here.

Prussia/Harry: Anyway, I think I know how we can find out what the first task is…Dumbledore…

Hungary/Draco: Dumbledore! What an old coot! He's nothing like Rumbleroar.

Italy/Goyle: Rumbleroar!

Prussia/Harry: Anways, as I was saying…

Hungary/Draco: Rumbleroar's the Headmaster at Pigfarts. He's a lion, who can talk.

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy,

If you don't mind, we're trying to have a conversation here. What, you're not even eating, get out of here.

Hungary/Draco: I can't help it if we can hear everything you say! We're the only ones in here.

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy, just get out of here please?

Hungary/Draco: Where are supposed to go?

Prussia/Harry: Uh, I don't know, uh, Pigfarts?

Hungary/Draco: Ha-ha, ha-ha, now you're just being cute.

I can't go to Pigfarts, it's on Mars. You need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship Potter? I bet you do, you know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died.

Look at this!

Look at this. Look at it, Rocket Ship Potter! Oh, Oh, Starkid Potter! Moon Shoes Potter, traversing the galaxy in intergalactic travels to Pigfarts.

Prussia/Harry: That's it, this is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don't care if you make fun of me but bring my parents into this it's a whole other story.

Hungary/Draco: Whoa, not's so fast Potter! Crabbe! Goyle!

Prussia/Harry: Oh, so you're just let…

Italy/Goyle: Back Off!

Prussia/Harry: Whoa, scary, scary…

Hungary/Draco: So, not's so tough now are you Potter? Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lolly-gagging ginger and his stupid Mudblood girlfriend.

Britain/Hermione: Oh, that is it Malfoy! Jelly-Legs Jinx!

Hungary/Draco: Oh come one!

Britain/Hermione: Take it back Malfoy.

Hungary/Draco: Take what back?

Britain/Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!

America/Ron: Yeah and all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend that's not even a little bit true.

Britain/Hermione: And say you're sorry for calling me a You-Know-What.

Hungary/Draco: I'm sorry…

Britain/Hermione: And you promise you'll never do it again?

Hungary/Draco: I promise!

Britain/Hermione: Right, now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it. Come on Harry, Ron, let's get out of here. Bedsides, you already ate all my lunch.

Prussia/Harry: Wow, thanks Hermione.

Britain/Hermione: Yeah, Unjellify!

America/Ron: That's like the most badass thing I've ever seen. Too bad no one was here to see it, though. It was like all this pent-up aggression like rawr and…

Italy/Goyle: Wow, that sucked royal hippogriff. We got beat by a girl, who is a nerd.

Hungary/Draco: I didn't mean what I said you know, Pigfarts is real. Am I, am I bleeding? Goyle?

Italy/Goyle: -sniff- No.

Hungary/Draco: I thought maybe…maybe a little…Wow. I've never been pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldn't call her a Mud…whatever.

Italy/Goyle: I can't believe I couldn't figure out the counter-curse was just Unjellify.

Hungary/Draco: Right, I'm not surprised. Come on, let's go watch _Wizards of Waverly Place._

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 5**

Lithuania/Quirrell: Fools! They're all fools. They think they're safe; they think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses…or should I say on the back of their heads?

Poland/Voldemort: -cool tongue thing-

-cough- I can't breathe in that damn turban.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I'm sorry my Lord, it's a necessary precaution, for if they knew you lived and when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest eating bugs and mushrooms and ugh, unicorn blood.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Until I found you and let yourself attach to my soul.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, nobody must know any of that.

Now, Quirrell, get me some water. Now Quirrell, pour it my mouth.

Lithuania/Quirrell: You're plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly my liege.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes-yes-yes, I'm done with the water. We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I'm sorry my Lord, you sneezed.

Poland/Voldemort: I know that! Get me some Nasonex you swine!

Wash that turban, it tickles my nose.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yes my Dark King…

Poland/Voldemort: Okay, just relax with the Dark King okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort, we're there. We've reached that point.

Lithuania/Quirrell: yes, yes my…Voldemort.

Poland/Voldemort: Now Quirrell, get us ready for bed. We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight in the Great Hall, he was so close! I could have touched him.

Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. I can taste it, it tastes like cool mints.

Lithuania/Quirrell: That's our Listerine Voldemort.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, excellent. Well, goodnight Quirrell.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Goodnight.

Poland/Voldemort: Okay-okay, I can't do this. We gotta roll over, I can't sleep on my tummy.

Lithuania/Quirrell: So? I always sleep on my back; I have back troubles. It's the only way I'm comfortable.

Poland/Voldemort: You roll over right now or I'll…I'll eat your pillow!

You'd be having a dream that you're eating a giant marshmallow but really you'll wake up and your favourite goose feather pillow will be missing.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Fine we'll compromise. We'll sleep on our side.

Poland/Voldemort: Okay, I guess I can do this.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Now, goodnight.

Poland/Voldemort: Goodnight Quirrell. Hey Quirrell?

How long have those robes been on that chair?

Lithuania/Quirrell: I think they're from last night. I just put them there for now.

Poland/Voldemort: Well, are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What's your plan for these?

Lithuania/Quirrell: I figured I'd just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the morning, okay?

Poland/Voldemort: Ah, no! No-no that's not okay! I can't go to sleep knowing there are dirty clothes on that chair. The chair's gonna start smelling like dirty clothes.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Look, I promise I'll put them away in the morning.

Poland/Voldemort: You put them away right now! I command you to get up and fold them at least! Make it into a neat pile.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Look, if we're going to be in this situation for a while we're going to have to learn to live with each other.

Now I've been single for all my life, I have some habits, and sometimes I leave laundry around.

Poland/Voldemort: Well I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place, Mudbloods have their place, and so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser!

Lithuania/Quirrell: Well, aren't we an odd couple?

(singing) You won't sleep on your tummy.

Poland/Voldemort: You won't sleep on your back.

Both: We're quite the kooky couple you'll agree.

Lithuania/Quirrell: We share some hands and fingers.

Poland/Voldemort: And yet the feeling lingers…

Both: We're just about as different as anyone can be.

Poland/Voldemort: You like plotting a garden and I like plotting to kill.

Lithuania/Quirrell: You think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!

Sipping tea by the fire is swell…

Poland/Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well. I like folding all of my ties.

Lithuania/Quirrell: And you have no friends, hey that's a surprise.

Both: As anyone can see when you look at you and me, we're different-different as can be.

Poland/Voldemort: You're a sissy, a twat, a girl! I'm the darkest of Lords.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I'm the brightest professor here. I've won several awards!

Poland/Voldemort: My new world's about to unfold.

Lithuania/Quirrell: You got beat by a two year old.

Poland/Voldemort: I'll kill him this time through and through.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Or you just might give him another tattoo.

Both: We really must agree when you look at you and me, we're different-different as can…

Poland/Voldemort: I'll rise again and I'll rule the world! But you must help me renew…for when our plan succeeds, (Quirrell: Prevails!) part of that world goes to you.

Lithuania/Quirrell: When I rule the world I'll plant flowers!

Poland/Voldemort: When I rule the world I'll have snakes.

Lithuania/Quirrell: And Jane Austen novels!

Poland/Voldemort: …and goblins and werewolves and a fleet of Dementors and giants and threstals and all my Death Eaters!

Both: When I rule the world! –evil laughter-

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 6**

-Prussia/Harry playing guitar with Britain/Hermione writing something-

Britain/Hermione: Harry, don't you think you should be trying to figure out the first task or something? You can actually die if you're not ready.

Prussia/Harry: What? Come on. I mean, can't you just do it for? Can't you just prepare all my stuff for me? What are you doing right now?

Britain/Hermione: I'm writing your Potions essay.

Prussia/Harry: Oh, well do that first 'cause that's due tomorrow. But after that, after that can you prepare for the first task please? You are the best (nose tap).

You got it, thanks Hermione. Hey Ginny, come here. I wanna show you something, come here.

Canada/Ginny: Hey Harry Potter,

Prussia/Harry: Listen, I wanna play you a song I'm working on. It's for a girl I really really like and I wanna let her know she's really special. So, I just wanna know what you think so just the purposes of now, 'cause I'm still working out the lyrics, I'm gonna put your name where her name should be…

I don't think it's really going to work out because…well…let me just give it a shot. (singing) You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really-really skinny…Ginny.

I'm the Mickey to your Minnie, you're the Tigger to my Winnie, Ginny.

I wanna take you to the city, gonna take you out to dinny, Ginny. You're cuter than a guinea pig, gonna take you up to Winnipeg, that's in Canada! Pretty Ginny, Gin… (talking) you know what…

This doesn't work for me at all. I mean, I don't know, how does it make you feel, emotionally?

Canada/Ginny: Wow! Wow-e Harry Potter!

Prussia/Harry: Don't you think it could, I don't know, make a girl fall in love with me?

Canada/Ginny: "I think it already has."

Prussia/Harry: Awesome, 'cause it's for Cho Chang.

Canada/Ginny: Oh yeah, she is beautiful.

Prussia/Harry: What are you, nuts? Beautiful, more like super- mega-foxy- awesome-hot! She's the best girl I've ever met. She's more attractive, more appealing, and far more interesting than any girl that I know, in my immediate group of friends.

Far more better and awesome… (guitar)

America/Ron: What's up Neville? (slap)

Latvia/Neville: Ah!

America/Ron: Move-move-move-move-move-move-move, awesome, hey Harry what's up? So, I was just off stage, hanging out with Hagrid and I saw, uh, these delivery wizards bringing in giant cages into the dungeons. I don't know what that's for.

Britain/Hermione: Giant cages, I better whatever's in those cages has something to do with the first task. Harry we have to find out what it is.

Prussia/Harry: Hey, hey guys, chill. I'm busy.

Britain/Hermione: Harry Potter…

America/Ron: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Canada/Ginny: No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

America/Ron: Whoa!

Britain/Hermione: Guys, now listen this could be a matter of life and death.

America/Ron: Well, it doesn't matter because it's after-hours, okay, and we can't leave Gryffindor House and we'll probably get in trouble if we do and even if we do, Shlongbottom over there will probably tell on us.

Britain/Hermione: Neville won't tell.

Latvia/Neville: Oh yes I certainly will!

America/Ron: So what're we going to do?

Britain/Hermione: It's simple guys, the Cloak.

America/Ron: Of course,

All Four: The Cloak.

Canada/Ginny: Wait what cloak?

America/Ron: Shut up!

Prussia/Harry: When I was a little boy at Hogwarts, I got a present, oh bye Neville, I got a present left to me at my first year at Hogwarts and, uh, it was left to me by my dad, my dad's that dead. My father is dead. It's from my dead father.

My Invisibility Cloak!

Canada/Ginny: Wow, oh boy wow-e Harry Potter, you have a real Invisibility Cloak. Oh-oh-oh-oh, you know what I would do if I had an Invisibility Cloak?

Prussia/Harry: I would, I would kick wiener dogs.

America/Ron: I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare people.

Britain/Hermione: I would sue it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror.

Prussia/Harry: That's emotional.

Canada/Ginny: Well, actually, I was gonna say that I would use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at my funeral.

Prussia/Harry: Okay, anyway, let's get out of here before Neville gets out of the bathroom.

America/Ron: Who-whoa-whoa-whoa, where do you think you're going?

Canada/Ginny: Um, with you guys?

America/Ron: No, no way, no kid sisters allowed, okay? Besides, there's only enough room under this cloak for two people so, um, come one Hermione, come on.

Canada/Ginny: (singing) The way his hair falls in his eyes makes me wonder if he'll ever see through my disguise and I'm under his spell. Everything has fallen, and I don't know where to land. Everyone knows who he is but they don't know who I am. Harry! Harry! Why can't you see what you're doing to me?

I've seen you conquer certain death. Even when you're just standing there, you take away my breath, and maybe someday you'll hear my song and understand that all along there's something more that I'm trying to say!

When I say Harry! Harry! Why can't you see what you're doing to me? What you're doing to me…

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 7**

Lithuania/Quirrell: Master, Master, the shipments for the first task of the tournament have just arrived!

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrell, I hear everything that you hear.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Isn't it wonderful Master, we made sure that Harry Potter's name was drawn from the Cup and soon he will be ours.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, it's really happening, isn't it Quirrell? You know, with the plan going so well I fell like maybe we should celebrate. What do yah say Quirrell? How's about we go out? I hear its karaoke night down at the Hogshead.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I don't' know, I have all these papers to grade and I've been giving so much attention to this revenge plan that I'm really behind.

Poland/Voldemort: Come on Quirrell, you've been working so hard all year. You deserve a night off.

Lithuania/Quirrell: But the papers…

Poland/Voldemort: Oh just give them all B-'s and be done with it!

Lithuania/Quirrell: Now that's evil.

Poland/Voldemort: Yeah, Yeah thanks, I am the Dark Lord. Come on, just a few drinks and we'll try to pick up some chicks.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I wouldn't know what to say I'm no good at that.

Poland/Voldemort: Come one, it'll be fun. You just move your lips and I'll do the talking. -Quirrell makes noise- Quirrell, man live a listen! I may just be a parasite on the back of your head, literally devouring your soul every time you take a breath, but I can see that you're too good a guy not to have a bit of fun every once in a while. You deserve this.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Well, if you put it that way, then yeah, let's just go wild tonight!

Poland/Voldemort does tongue thing.

Poland/Voldemort: That's the spirit Quirrell! Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic. Quirrell, we're gonna get you laid.

Seriously man, back when I had a body, woo, I had mad game with the bitches; just ask Bellatrix Lestrange.

America/Ron: Well, um, this cloak isn't as big as it used to be.

Britain/Hermione: Sh! Someone's coming.

Hungary/Draco: Did you just hear something?

Italy/Goyle: No, only quiet, maybe one raindrop.

Hungary/Draco: Doesn't matter, tell me Goyle, who do think is the ugliest girl in school?

Italy/Goyle: Uh, Buckbeak for sure.

Hungary/Draco: Crabbe?

Romano/Crabbe: Winky the House Elf.

Hungary/Draco: Good one, obscure! Care who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. Do you know what I'd give her on a scale of one to ten, with one-one being the ugliest and ten pretty, I would give her an eight. An eight point five, a nine, but not over a nine point eight!

There is always room for improvement. Not everyone's perfect, like me, it's why I am holding out for a ten because I'm worth it. Come on, let's go.

Prussia/Harry: Wow, what a bunch of jerks.

Britain/Hermione: Alright, forget them, where did you say you saw those crates being delivered?

America/Ron: I think they were being delivered to the auditorium so it should be at the end of this hallway to the left.

Prussia/Harry: Look!

Britain/Hermione: A goat?

Prussia/Harry: A goat, oh my god, I have to fight a goat. I don't think I can do that morally.

Switzerland/Snape: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time Headmaster.

Germany/Dumbledore: Feeding time, dragons don't wanna be fed, they wanna hunt!

Prussia/Harry: Did he just say dragons?

Switzerland/Snape: Did you just say did he just say dragons?

Germany/Dumbledore: I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to shut up, Potter.

Switzerland/Snape: Headmaster, do you really think it's wise to have children fight dragons?

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh Snape, I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore. Like here I am alive and well today and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow.

Switzerland/Snape: Well that's absurd.

Germany/Dumbledore: Severus, let's go to bed. Have you ever seen my room, I have some pretty kicking posters on my wall.

Switzerland/Snape: Well, I am rather tired.

Prussia/Harry: Ah man, I have to fight a dragon? This is bogus! How can I fight a dragon, I'm just a little kid?

America/Ron: Well alright, maybe it won't be that bad Harry, maybe you'll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or like…I don't know, maybe like Puff the Magic Dragon or something.

Britain/Hermione: Ron, this is serious, okay? Harry will die. Now look, there's still time alright, we just need to figure out a plan.

Prussia/Harry: Okay, we'll just head back to the Common Room, wait, where's the Invisibility Cloak?

America/Ron: I threw it over on that magical walking chair…oh.

Prussia/Harry: That's gonna be an issue, yeah.

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 8**

Poland/Voldemort is laughing drunkenly.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I thought walking home drunk was hard before.

Poland/Voldemort: We should have realized that with both of us drinking into one belly we'd get twice as drunk. Hey Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, Quirrell, you remember that girl you were talking, you remember that girl you were talking to while I was talking to her sister on my side?

Lithuania/Quirrell: Oh, so that's why she freaked out when we stood up.

Both: Because she didn't know that we were one person!

Lithuania/Quirrell: You know I haven't had this much fun since Nearly Headless Nick's Death Day Party of '91.

Poland/Voldemort: I haven't had this much fun since, yeah shit I can't ever remember having this much fun!

Lithuania/Quirrell: You never had fun, ever doing anything? Maybe that's why you're so evil?

Poland/Voldemort: Yeah, maybe, definitely to do with the fact that Muggles and Mudbloods make me sick to my stomach but uh, yeah I guess you could be right I guess. I mean it's kind of funny.

Lithuania/Quirrell: What is it Voldemort?

Poland/Voldemort: Oh it's just that I never-never ever really ever considered another reason for me being so evil because normally I just kill people that try to get me to open up you now. Oops! It's kinda nice to just talk.

Lithuania/Quirrell: You know I have to admit that I was kind of nervous when you demanded to attack yourself to my soul.

Poland/Voldemort: Yeah, I could sense that.

Lithuania/Quirrell: But like, now I think it's…kinda cool. It's like having a really close roommate or even a…

Poland/Voldemort: Yeah, like a slave, like a, like a Death Eater.

Lithuania/Quirrell: No man,

It's like having a friend.

Poland/Voldemort: I've never had a friend before.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Looks like you got one now.

Poland/Voldemort: Who would have thought at the beginning of this year we would feel like this towards each other? I guess everything is different between us now, huh?

Lithuania/Quirrell: I guess it's plain to see, when you look at you and me. We're different, different as can be.

Both: we simply guarantee when you look at you and me, we're different, different as can be.

Lithuania/Quirrell: It's a comedy of sorts, when you're bound to Voldemort.

Poland/Voldemort: And I'm happy as squirrel, as long as I'm with Mr. Quirrell.

Both: We'll lead him to the slaughter and we'll murder Harry Potter. We're different, different, different-different as can be.

Poland/Voldemort: Ah ha!

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 9**

Switzerland/Snape: The Hogwarts Champions shall now enter the champions' tent in preparation for the first task.

Prussia/Harry: Man, I can't believe I gotta skip lunch period for this stupid task.

Britain/Hermione: Hey Harry, today's the day, the day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes that I wrote for you on dragons?

Prussia/Harry: No.

Britain/Hermione: Why not?

Prussia/Harry: You kidding me, they were so boring.

Britain/Hermione: So you didn't prepare at all?

Prussia/Harry: No, but at least I have my wand…um dropped my…

Britain/Hermione: Here Harry.

Prussia/Harry: Hey, (nose tap) you're the best.

Britain/Hermione: Harry, just please don't die today. I don't wanna see my best friend get eaten by a dragon.

Prussia/Harry: Okay, relax, okay save the tears for my funeral.

France/Cedric: So tell me more about this Pigfarts, I find it to be very interesting.

Hungary/Draco: Well, while you're there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times because there's no atmosphere on Mars.

So, if the single docking bay door opens, you'll probably die.

France/Cedric: My, how dreadful

Hungary/Draco: Well, but the goods is, if you're a good house student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back.

France/Cedric: And he's the Headmaster Lion?

Hungary/Draco: Who can talk.

France/Cedric: Oh, well hello Harry how are you feeling today?

Prussia/Harry: Hey Cedric, trying to stay positive.

France/Cedric: Well good, I'm a fine day myself. Miss Granger.

Britain/Hermione: Hello.

Belgium/Cho: Sugar Pie!

France/Cedric: My darling.

Was that a kiss for good luck?

Belgium/Cho: No, that was being so cotton-picking cute! This one's for good luck.

Prussia/Harry: (mutters) I hate that guy.

Britain/Hermione: It's okay Harry, you're gonna be great.

Germany/Dumbledore: Hello-OW! God Granger, I thought you were a boggart. I'm terrified of those things.

And what the hell are you doing in the champions' tent, get out of here. Ten more points!

Prussia/Harry: Thanks Hermione!

Germany/Dumbledore: Are you kids ready to (singing) fight a dragon?

Of course not, you're just children. What the hell I'm thinking? Outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans. They'll either be cheering for you or the dragon but either way they're gonna be making some kind of noise. So, in order for the selection process to be fair, I am going to randomly select a card-board cut-out sized version of the dragon you will competing. For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon.

Pigment the Imaginary Dragon (Cho), the Reluctant Dragon (Draco), and for you Potter…the Hungarian Horntail the most terrifying you've ever seen your whole life. (Harry freaks out a little)

If there are no complaints than I'll…

Prussia/Harry: Hold on a second! This is terrifying, those are the cutest things I've ever seen.

Germany/Dumbledore: (Pigment the Imaginary Dragon) This thing is horrifying, just use your imagination. Disapparate!

America/Ron: My god, this competition is gonna suck all these dragons are wimps, Accio Double-Stuff. Look at that, OH MY GOD! A MONSTER!

Is that yours?

Prussia/Harry: Hm, yup.

America/Ron: Oh my god, it's awesome can I hold it? (takes the dragon) Oh my god, this thing is terrifying, I hope the real thing is smaller. Argh! Ferocious, what are you gonna do?

Prussia/Harry: I don't know, I'm not cut out for this…

Britain/Hermione: Ron, Ron you can't be in here. This is the champions' tent.

Switzerland/Snape: Miss Granger, what the devil are you doing in the champions' tent, ten points from Gryffindor.

America and Prussia/Ron and Harry: Ugh, thanks Hermione.

America/Ron: Hey, good luck buddy, bye Snape.

Switzerland/Snape: Bye…

Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.

France/Cedric: Alright fellas, wish me luck.

Belgium/Cho: I believe in you.

France/Cedric: That's all I needed to hear.

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy, tell you what? I'll let you switch dragons with me. I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me, I'll give you that opportunity. Come on, com on.

Hungary/Malfoy: Um, let think about…no.

Prussia/Harry: Come on, I'll give you my Gushers.

Hungary/Malfoy: Oh no, no, I have a Fruit By the Foot, I don't want Gushers.

Switzerland/Snape: Cho Chang, your dragon a waits.

Belgium/Cho: Well, I can imagine that this'll be very hard.

Switzerland/Snape: Then I imagine it won't. (both laugh and skip off stage)

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy, come on, I'll throw in my Teddy Grams with the Gushers, you can make little Gusher-Teddy Gram sandwiches.

Hungary/Draco: Um, alright, you throw in that pack of Bugles and you got yourself a deal.

Prussia/Harry: Absolutely not, no way.

Switzerland/Snape: Draco Malfoy…

Prussia/Harry: Professor Snape, is there any way that I can forfeit or switch dragons or even just take the day off? What are you doing?

Switzerland/Snape: I'm protecting you Potter. Welsh Green Backs can't stand the taste of Heinz tomato ketchup.

Prussia/Harry: But I'm not fighting a Welsh Green Back, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail.

Switzerland/Snape: Oh, why silly me, Heinz tomato ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love best of all. There you go Potter.

Prussia/Harry: What?

Germany/Dumbledore: And now Harry Potter will fight the terrifying Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying thing you'll ever see your whole life. It should be noted that this particular dragon hasn't been fed in two weeks.

Britain/Hermione: Come on Harry.

America/Ron: Harry! Woo!

Britain/Hermione: Harry, HARRY!

Prussia/Harry: AHHH! (everyone is screaming as the dragon tries to eat Harry) Oh my god, uh uh, Accio Guitar!

(singing) Hey Dragon, you don't' gotta do this. Let's re-evaluate our options, throw away our old presumptions 'cause really you don't wanna go through with this. I'm really not that special, the Boy-Who-Lived is only flesh and bone. The truth is in the end, I'm pretty useless without friends; in fact I'm alone, just like now…but anyhow, I spend my time at school trying to be this cool guy I never asked for. I don't know any spells, still manage to do well but there's only so long that can last for. I'm living off the glory of some stupid children's story that I had nothing to do with. I just sat there and got lucky so level with me buddy, I can't defeat thee, so please don't eat me. All I can do is sing this song for you, la-la-la-la-la!

Gilbird/Dragon: La-la-la-la-la!

Prussia/Harry: La-la-la-la-la!

Gilbird/Dragon: La-la-la-la-la!

Prussia/Harry: La-la-la-la-la!

Gilbird/Dragon: La-la-la-la-la!

Both: La-la-la-la-la!

Prussia/Harry: You never asked to be a dragon. I never asked to be a champion! We both just jumped on this bandwagon, when all we need is guitar jamming.

Prussia/Harry: So la-la-la-la-la!

Gilbird/Dragon: La-la-la-la-la!

Prussia/Harry: La-la-la-la-la!

Gilbird/Dragon: La-la-la—la—la-la…

Prussia/Harry: Goodnight Dragon.

1-2-3 I beat the dragon! (cheers)

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 10**

Switzerland/Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students, tonight is the Yule Ball so please pick me your Yule Ball Wreathe and give it to that special someone. (Ginny walks on) Ah, Ginger!

Canada/Ginny: Oh, hey Harry Potter!

Prussia/Harry: Oh hey Ginny.

Canada/Ginny: Fancy seeing you here?

Prussia/Harry: Uh it's the cafeteria so yeah…

Canada/Ginny: Um, so the Yule Ball is coming up...

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, I know it is, very soon.

Canada/Ginny: Well, were you thinking of going with anybody?

Prussia/Harry: I was! I was actually just waiting for the right time to ask somebody and I think, I think that time is about now. So, if you have something to say just say it.

Canada/Ginny: -Scream-

Prussia/Harry: Oh, is this for me? Ah, how did you know I would need a wreathe so I could ask Cho Chang out, you're the best!

Canada/Ginny: Uh, Harry Potter, just forget it. (Goes off crying)

Prussia/Harry: Alright I will! Cool!

Hey, hey Cho Chang listen, um I know the Yule Ball is come up and I was wondering if uh, maybe you wanted to go with me BUT just in case you're kind of on the fence about it, you should know that I play guitar and I beat a dragon's heart with it and so I think I can conquer yours. (Singing) You're tall and fun and pretty, you're really really skinny, Cho Chang! I'm the Mickie to your Minnie, the Tigger to my Winnie, Cho Chang! You're cuter than a guinea pig, gonna take you out to Winnipeg that's in Canada! Oh Cho Chang! (Normal) whatever.

Belgium/Cho: oh my, Harry Potter, bless your heart. Um, but I have to say no. You're a young strapping boy but Cedric Diggory already asked me and I have to go with him. Sorry. Come on girls, let's go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns and make fun of her because she can't go!

China and Ukraine/Friends: Yeah! (All leave)

America/Ron: Hey there little buddy how yah doing?

Prussia/Harry: Hey…

America/Ron: Is that a Yule Ball wreathe?

Prussia/Harry: Yeah…

America/Ron: Who you gonna ask? (Does Cho accent)

Prussia/Harry: I asked Cho Chang but she turned me down for Cedric Stupory.

America/Ron: That's so great I love him so much. They're such a cute couple…

Prussia/Harry: No, no, no, no…

America/Ron: I hate him (Prussia/Harry: Yeah), I hate him so much. Oh my god he pisses me off.

Ah man, that sucks dude, I don't know why she'd turn you down you're the coolest guy in school!

Prussia/Harry: I get it, I play guitar, I'm Harry Potter, and I'm awesome.

America/Ron: Reese's Pieces?

Poland/Harry: Yeah.

I don't get it man, maybe I'll just go stag.

America/Ron: Well, I'll probably go stag too. The only two girls I know who don't have dates are Ginny (thumbs down)

And Hermione.

Prussia/Harry: Oh my god, (thumbs down big time).

America/Ron: Yeah and I'm not going with my stupid sister.

Prussia/Harry: And I think of Hermione as a sister so that's out.

America/Ron: We are in such a puzzle.

Latvia/Neville: Hi, look at these strapping young men.

Both: Hey Neville.

Prussia/Harry: Hey Neville, want this Yule Ball Wreathe?

Latvia/Neville: Yeah, if you feel like parting with it, then I will take this wreathe.

Prussia/Harry: Hey Ron, let's go hang out with Hagrid, teach us how to dance and we can get in our dress robes.

America/Ron: that can only lead to disaster and hilarity, let's go!

Prussia/Harry: I just don't know about Hermione, I mean, who would want to go with her? She's so vile and hideous…

Italy/Goyle: Give that plant nerd!

Latvia/Neville: Ah!

Italy/Goyle: Ooo, Goyle rules!

Hungary/Draco: So anyways, it was reluctant to move at first but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down face, lassoed it with my Fruit by the Foot and beheaded it with a quick Slicing Charm. What, Goyle, what're you doing with that wreathe, what you're gonna ask somebody to the Yule Ball?

Italy/Goyle: No…dancing's for nerds.

Romano/Crabbe: and pretty girls.

Hungary/Draco: Right, you know the last girl I'd end up asking to the Yule Ball would be? That Hermione Granger, not even if we were the last two people on Earth and she looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown so that every time I looked at her I got butterflies in my tummy. Not even then…

You know, they don't even have dances at Pigfarts.

All the noise would disturb Rumbleroar's slumbering cubs.

Italy/Goyle: Dancing is for pansies.

Hungary/Draco: Hey you there what's your name?

Ukraine/Girl: Pansy.

Hungary/Draco: Perfect! You're going to the Yule Ball with me.

You see that dragon? Well, it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of its cage with an upside down face…

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yule Ball decorating crew! Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through. A last minute decoration…my Lord, the Yule Ball has finally arrived. I've brought the key!

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrell, I hear everything you hear!

Lithuania/Quirrell: I'm sorry.

Poland/Voldemort: No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped.

I'm just nervous, that's all.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Nervous, (Voldemort: No) why?

Poland/Voldemort: I don't wanna talk about it.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Hey, it's just me. You can tell me anything, you know that.

Poland/Voldemort: Yeah, yeah you're right, you're right. I'm just nervous because we've been planning this night for so long and I want everything to go perfectly, you know.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Don't worry, we've mapped out everything. We've anticipated every little problem and compensated for it. We've even prepared what you're going to say to Potter when you see him. So just cool down, relax. By the end of the night you'll have your revenge and your body back.

Poland/Voldemort: You're right, I'm being silly. But you know, Quirrell over the last year I've really grown attached to you, no pun intended.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yeah, I know what you mean.

But hey, we'll still hang out. Just because we won't be attached doesn't mean we'll be two completely different people, no pun intended.

Poland/Voldemort: Oh no, of course not! Quirrell, we should make plans... (Quirrell: Evil Plans?) Oh! Uh, no casual plans like um, we could go rollerblading on a Saturday and then see a movie that night.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yeah, that'll be great because we'll both be able to watch it for a change.

Poland/Voldemort: Yeah, yeah, I bet it'll be nice to sleep in our own beds, not have someone behind you all the time.

Lithuania/Quirrell: And have the privacy of my old life back again, solitude.

Poland/Voldemort: Know whatever happens tonight, man, it's been a blast.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Yeah, one crazy year! (Poland/Voldemort does weird tongue thing) Hey, promise we'll go rollerblading and see that movie.

Poland/Voldemort: Oh man, I promise. (Lithuania/Quirrell hugs himself)

Okay, Quirrell, let's go plant that key and split, pun intended!

Switzerland/Snape: Oh why professor Quirrell, what on earth are you doing in the Great Dance Hall, just moments before the dance?

Lithuania/Quirrell: Just decorating for the Yule Ball, last minute decorations, just one final touch…

Switzerland/Snape: A ladle?

Lithuania/Quirrell: A very special ladle for a very special night for a very special punch.

Switzerland/Snape: What's so special about it?

Lithuania/Quirrell: Let's just say there's Squirt in it.

Switzerland/Snape: Squirt! Isn't that not the favourite drink of one Harry Potter?

Lithuania/Quirrell: Is it? I had no idea. Well, we'd better be going (Snape: We?) I! I better be going loud music hurts my ears.

Switzerland/Snape: Okay well I'll see you later than.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Maybe you won't.

Switzerland/Snape: Or maybe I will.

Germany/Dumbledore: Excuse me, it's my fault, hey Severus!

Switzerland/Snape: Oh Headmaster.

Germany/Dumbledore: What're you doing here? You getting some punch or something?

Switzerland/Snape: Oh no, no, no, there's Squirt in it.

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh, only Harry Potter would drink that hog's shit, I'll stick to my Red Bull, thank you very much.

Switzerland/Snape: Well goodnight Headmaster.

Germany/Dumbledore: Severus, I saved this last dance for you.

Switzerland/Snape: Oh well I would Headmaster but you see, well an old friend is coming back into town tonight. (Giggles)

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 11**

Prussia/Harry: Hey Ron what's up?

America/Ron: Hey dude, guess…

Prussia/Harry: What, what's wrong?

America/Ron: Nothing, nothing it's just, you know, I heard Pavarti Patil telling Padma Patil that she had seen Hermione in the girls' locker room crying her eyes out in a bathroom stall.

Prussia/Harry: Crying?

America/Ron: I don't know isn't that like the saddest thing you've ever heard? I mean, I don't it's just that it was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that no guy would ever like her, you know because of her obnoxious personality, her ugly face and her misshapen body but you know, it's just that I figured she'd get in at least one night of happiness before she realized she's gonna be growing old alone, you know?

Hungary/Draco: Hey you two over here talking about Granger?

Prussia/Harry: Get out of here; this is none of your business. Why don't you go dance with Pansy over there?

Hungary/Draco: Hey, go get me some punch.

Ukraine/Pansy: Okay, um I should tell you there's Squirt in it.

Prussia/Harry: Oh, nice!

Hungary/Draco: Squirt? Never mind I'll stay dehydrated. Go powder your nose or something.

Ukraine/Pansy: I just fixed my make-up a little while ago.

Hungary/Draco: Trust me, you need more powder. Pain in the ass right?

So anyway, heard Granger's not around here, probably better too, no one would be able to keep their hummus and peach juice with that Muggle arse of hers dancing about.

America/Ron: God, why don't you just give her a break for once okay Malfoy?

Hungary/Draco: Why defending her Weasley? Have a crush?

America/Ron: No, no why all the insults Malfoy? Covering up a crush?

Hungary/Draco: Oh right, like I could ever have a crush on that stupid girl…

Belgium/Cho: Oh my gods, she looks beautiful bless her heart!

America/Ron: (singing) here I am, face-to-face, with a situation I never thought I'd ever see. Strange, how a dress can make a mess and make her nothing less than beautiful to me.

It seems like my eyes have been transfigured, something deep inside has changed. They've been opened wide but hold that trigger! This could mean…danger. I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I think I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love…with Hermione Granger.

Hungary/Draco: What, what the hell is this? You expect me to sing about her, I don't care about her! It's just a little make-up, Draco wake up! I'm mistaken…

She is the hottest girl I've ever seen. Now she's like a girl I've never seen, don't know why I'd ever be so mean. This could mean danger. I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love…with Hermione Granger.

Both: I wanna let her know (Hungary/Draco: I feel so queasy.)

Both: But I can't let it show (America/Ron: She's laugh, poor Weasley.)

Both: Come one

America/Ron: Ron

Hungary/Draco: Draco

Both: You've gotta let it go. You gotta let it go!

(Next couple lines are together)

America/Ron: Here I am face-to-face with a situation I never, ever thought I'd see. Strange, how a dress can take a mess and make her nothing less than beautiful to me! It seems like my eyes have been transfigured. Something deep inside has changed. They've been opened wide but hold that trigger.

Hungary/Draco: What, what the hell is this? I want to sing about her, sing about her. I want to make up, Draco wake up! I've been mistaken. She is the hottest girl I've ever seen. Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen. Don't know why I'd ever me so mean.

Both: This could mean…danger! I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love. I think I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love…with Hermione Granger, with Hermione Granger, with Hermione Granger…danger!

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 12**

America/Ron: Oh my god, I can't believe it.

Prussia/Harry: What?

America/Ron: I just-just can't believe she's dancing with every guy but me. That's so stupid, that's so stupid.

Prussia/Harry: Why do you even care man?

America/Ron: I know right, I don't care, I don't care and that's what I'm going to go tell her. I'm going to go say I don't care what you do and she's going to feel so damn stupid.

She's going to feel like such an idiot.

Prussia/Harry: Listen Ron, you're acting like a real jerk, maybe you should take it easy on the Butterbeer.

America/Ron: No, no.

Britain/Hermione: Hey guys!

Prussia/Harry: Hermione, you look great. You look wonderful.

Britain/Hermione: Oh, thanks! Yeah, yeah you know I used to think looks weren't important and now I think they're more important than anything.

It's just that I'm having so much fun dancing with everyone…

America/Ron: Wow Hermione, when did you become so shallow? When?

Britain/Hermione: What is wrong with you Ron?

America/Ron: Nothing, nothing's wrong with me but why don't you just go ask Shlongbottom to dance huh? Go do it.

Britain/Hermione: You know what, maybe I will.

America/Ron: I showed her, showed her good. (Drink)

Prussia/Harry: Wait a second, wait a hot second! I know what's going on here.

You've got a crush! Alright, Ron, listen to me pal, just a little advice: call me crazy but girls don't really like it when you're angry at them, much less if you shout at them. Now, maybe what you should do is go over there and tell her how much you care about her. Okay, maybe you should ask her dance?

America/Ron: No because then she'd know that I like her and you always know that you don't' tell a girl you like her because it makes you look like an idiot.

Prussia/Harry: I know you'll look like an idiot, any time you tell a girl that you like her you look funny it's inevitable but listen, it's something you have to do. You have to look forward and not look back. I mean we look like idiots anyway we're wizards. We're wearing robes, if we dressed like this in the Muggle world, we would get our asses kicked. You have nothing to lose, just ask her and I bet, you know, she probably wants to dance with you just as much as you wanna dance with her.

You just gotta…You just gotta give it a-a chance. There could be something you've never seen before you know, you just gotta go and find something special that was there the whole time and you just got the guts to see anything.

America/Ron: Where're you going? I'm still mad and sad.

Prussia/Harry: Hold on. This is me taking his own advice pal. Hey Ginny.

Canada/Ginny: Oh, hey Harry.

Prussia/Harry: Can I sit down?

Canada/Ginny: Um yeah sure.

Prussia/Harry: So, um, how's Hogwarts?

Canada/Ginny: You know its okay. I, actually I was really excited to come here but I just don't think I belong.

Prussia/Harry: Oh I know what you mean.

Canada/Ginny: Um no, you don't, You're Harry Potter.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, I know. For like eleven years I was this dumb kid who got the crapped kicked out of me and lived under the staircase and all of the sudden it's like you're a wizard! You have all these power and everyone thinks I'm cool all of the sudden and it's weird it's kind of isolating…sorry. Here I am complaining about being famous. I'm sorry.

Canada/Ginny: No, I understand. It's like when you first got here and nobody wanted to get to know you because they thought that they knew you already but eventually you'll find people who'll want to get to know you for the real you.

Prussia/Harry: You know Ginny, I already feel like I have found someone and I've taken them for granted. Tell you what, come on. Wanna dance? It's the whole point of the evening.

Canada/Ginny: Okay.

Prussia/Harry: I gotta warn you though; I've learned all my best moves from Hagrid so I'm not that great.

Canada/Ginny: Oh, I'm sure you're fine. Wow, Harry Potter, I don't care what anybody says, you're the best dancer there ever was.

Prussia/Harry: I have a confession to make Ginny. These shoes right here, there magical enchanted dancing shoes.

Canada/Ginny: Wow-e Harry Potter!

Prussia/Harry: Ginny, I'm just messing with you. I'm just awesome at dancing.

America/Ron: Wah! When you dance with Neville is when you really cross the line. Okay, take this beat it, get out of here.

Britain/Hermione: What is your…

America/Ron: Come here COME HERE!

Britain/Hermione: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Why are you being so mean to me?

America/Ron: _I'm not being mean to you._

Britain/Hermione: Ow! Yes you are! You know every day; everyone is always trying to put me down and the one day I feel like I actually feel like a person you're trying to ruin it!

America/Ron: Holy shit…

Britain/Hermione: What's wrong with you Ron?

Hungary/Draco: Hey Weasley! (Rolls) The lady said no.

Britain/Hermione: .too. You know what? I'm so sick of both of you! (Slaps them both)

Hungary/Draco: What did you say to her?

America/Ron: Nothing!

Hungary/Draco: I'm bleeding.

America/Ron: I'm bleeding. Looks at this.

Hungary/Draco: Look this…

America/Ron: Look at this. (Both show each other the blood)

Prussia/Harry: Ginny, Ginny I'm feeling kind of dizzy.

Canada/Ginny: Well maybe we should stop spinning. It's from all thus spinning huh?

Prussia/Harry: We have stopped spinning. (Makes out with Canada/Ginny)

Wait, no! No, I can't do this. You're Ginny Weasley, you're my best friend's little sister. You're Ron Weasley's sister, I'm sorry Ginny. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

Hey Cho, hey! Come on, dance with me I'm Harry Potter, let's go.

France/Cedric: Excuse me; I believe I was dancing with the lady.

Prussia/Harry: I know I'm…-lips thing-I'm cutting in.

France/Cedric: Well, I find that to be very rude.

Prussia/Harry: Alright Cedric, well why don't we find out what the lady has to say about it?

Belgium/Cho: Oh, boys there's no need to fight over little ol' me. But by the way, Cedric thinks you cheated on the dragon's task.

Prussia/Harry: Cheated? Are you kidding me, that thing was trying to eat me. I was in its mouth!

France/Cedric: Exactly, what went on in there? I'd like to find out.

Prussia/Harry: Alright, that is it Diggory, we are going to duel it. Let's go.

Belgium/Cho: Oh Godric's Hollow, all this excitement is making me thirsty.

Prussia/Harry: Well, oh Cho, I can get you something to drink. I can get you some punch!

France/Cedric: No, I'll get the punch.

Prussia/Harry: No, I'll get the punch.

France/Cedric: Fine, have the punch. (Punches Prussia/Harry)

Belgium/Cho: You did it!

Prussia/Harry: Cedric Diggory, I'm going to kill you! (Grabs special ladle, France/Cedric grabs it and they are transported to graveyard)

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 13**

France/Cedric: Where are we?

Prussia/Harry: I don't know Cedric, someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction got a little goofed up.

France/Cedric: Well, it seems clear to me now that the punch ladle was a Portkey and now thanks to you we've both been transported to some mystery location.

Prussia/Harry: Brilliant Cedric, you're a Hufflepuff. Why don't you find a way out of this place okay?

France/Cedric: Harry I think I found something. It appears to be a headstone. We must be in some sort of graveyard. Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thomas Riddle, Riddle me this, eh Potter?

Prussia/Harry: Cedric, I don't know about this place. I think we gotta get out of here.

France/Cedric: Harry, you're a Gryffindor, where's your sense of adventure?

Prussia/Harry: God! Cedric, you're so annoying okay! You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're the spare guy all the time. You're a spare dude. You're such a spare.

Poland/Voldemort: Kill the spare!

Lithuania/Quirrell: Avada Kedavra! (Harry jumps out of the way, spell hits Cedric)

France/Cedric: So many regrets, I'm dead! (Dies)

Prussia/Harry: Oh my wizard god!

Lithuania/Quirrell: Not so fast, Petrificus Totalus!

Prussia/Harry: Professor Quirrell, you just killed Cedric!

Lithuania/Quirrell: Not I Potter, but perhaps you'd like to see who did. He's dying to see you.

Prussia/Harry: AH! (Tries to grab scar but is unable to because he's frozen)

Poland/Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, it's good to see you again.

Switzerland/Death Eater: The cauldron is ready my Lord.

Prussia/Harry: Cauldron, what are you guys going to do, eat me? Gross!

Poland/Voldemort: As delicious a dish as I think you'd make Potter, I'd need a stomach of my own to digest you. I haven't got one of those, yet.

Switzerland/Death Eater: Detention Potter!

Prussia/Harry: Detention? This guy's almost as big an asshole as Snape.

Lithuania/Quirrell: It worked!

Poland/Voldemort: Ha-ha! (Tries to regain footing and get used to his body) (Singing) When I was a boy, an orphan boy, I'd loved to move my feet. I'd hear a tune and start to swoon. My life would seem complete.

The other boys would laugh and jeer; but I'd catch 'em tapping their toes and when I'd start to sway, they'd get carried away…and oh how the feeling grows. I'd take my foot, my little foot, and with that foot oh how I'd start to shake. I'd take two feet, two tiny feet. Hey look, that's neat! It's coming true! Oh boy I get to dance again Wahoo!

To dance again, I've been waiting all these years to dance again and now at once a chance appears, to hear the beat so on your feet. It's time to dance again, come on Potter! Imperio!

You take your foot, your little foot. Hey look, your foot! See how it starts to shake.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Oh, try his arms! How 'bout a twirl? He's like a girl! (Toss Prussia/Harry to the side like trash) How overdue…I get to finally dance again with you.

Lithuania and Poland/Quirrell and Voldemort: To dance again, I've been waiting all these years to dance again and now at once a chance appears. Its lovely swaying, the music's playing. Come on let's dance again!

Poland/Voldemort: Everybody!

Death Eaters: I take my foot (Poland/Voldemort: You take your foot), my little foot (Take that little foot) and oh my foot (Let me hear it now!) Look how it starts to shake…oh Voldy's back! (Hello World!) For the attack (I'm gonna get'cha) He'll take over the world its true, but first there's something he's gotta do!

Everyone but Prussia/Everyone but Harry: He'll (I'll) dance again…he's (I've) been waiting all these years to dance again and now at once a chance appears. Everybody make way (for a pas de bourrée.) It's time to dance, it's time to dance, it's time to dance again!

Poland/Voldemort: Woo!

* * *

**Act 1 Scene 14**

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Oh my Dark Lord! You look fabulous.

Poland/Voldemort: Bellatrix Lestrange!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Oh my liege, how it's going to be like the old days when we do nothing but torture, murder and make love.

Poland/Voldemort: Ha, the old days are back baby! –Motorboats Seychelles/Bellatrix-

Seychelles/Bellatrix: I can't tell you what it was like without you.

Poland/Voldemort: Well, I'm never going again because I've conquered death and my first pleasure will to be to kill Harry Potter! The next, to take over the Ministry of Magic and rule the world for all eternity!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: And you will my Lord, but not yet. For now we must stick to the plan. We blame Potter's murder on Quirrell so that your return may remain a secret. The Death Eaters are prepared to take on the entire Ministry of Magic, much less Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I'm sorry. What was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter's murder?

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Oh ho, you shall refer to him as my Lord, my liege, or my Dark Lord!

Poland/Voldemort: No-no-no-no Bellatrix, it's cool. Quirrell's cool, over the last year he's proven himself to be a very good fr…

A very good servant to the will of the Dark Lord.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Oh I see so you're just going to make your Sally Hemings is that it?

Poland/Voldemort: No, no Quirrell that, that came out wrong. It's not like that.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Isn't it?

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Ah, silence slave, Crucio! –Laughs-

Poland/Voldemort: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: What is the matter? He is your pawn! You are his Queen.

It is an honour to serve the Dark Lord, no matter what the task!

Poland/Voldemort: Are you alright?

Lithuania/Quirrell: Did you really know the whole time that you would blame Potter's murder on me?

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, yes I knew but things have changed over the last year. I feel differently now,

Lithuania/Quirrell: Don't touch me!

Poland/Voldemort: Way to explain this, it's like the movie _She's All That._ You remember we watched that together. Well, remember how at the end Freddy Prince Jr. turns out to be good.

Lithuania/Quirrell: No, I didn't see the ending because you were watching it while you were on the back of my head, SUCKING MY SOUL!

Poland/Voldemort: Well I wish there was another way but I've got to take over the world.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Well there it is! I'll let you know now that it's gonna be pretty hard to make that rollerblading date from Azkaban.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Death Eaters, take him away.

And now you have what you waited for for so long.

Poland/Voldemort: What?

Seychelles/Bellatrix: You're chance to kill Harry Potter.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes, kill POTTER, ha whoa where'd he go?

Prussia/Harry: You're not killing me today Voldemort but I'll tell you what, I can get you some punch! (Travels back to Hogwarts with Cedric's body)

Canada/Ginny: Oh my Rowling, what happened Harry Potter?

Germany/Dumbledore: Harry, Harry what the hell you doing over here? You missed that raffle.

Switzerland/Snape: What happened in that graveyard? Uh!

Prussia/Harry: It's Voldemort! It's Voldemort, he's back!

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 1**

Seychelles/Person 1: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Harry Potter, the Boy Who Beat Voldemort now Says He's Back?

Belgium/Person 2: Prophet! Get Your Daily Prophet! Harry Potter vs. Voldemort: Round 2!

China/Person 3: Minister Of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, Makes a Statement!

France/Minister: I've heard these Voldemort rumours and I for one simply don't believe it.

Belgium/Person 2: Voldemort Talks about It on His New Floo-Tube Channel.

Poland/Voldemort: I'm gonna find Harry Potter and I'm gonna -_-_-ing_-_ in his mouth!

Belgium/Person 2: Also Does a Review of _17 Again_.

Poland/Voldemort: Ah, it was a little slow at the beginning but it's Zac Efron. It's Zefron!

France/Minister: I have seen these so-called posts and I still don't believe it. This is a ruse! You all have been hoodwinked!

Italy/Person 4: Professor Quirrell Confesses to Murder of Hogwarts Student Cedric Diggory, Receives Life in Azkaban. –jumbled noise as they exit stage-

Prussia/Harry: Ron, this totally sucks man.

America/Ron: This is horrible.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah I know, I mean look at this. It's terrible, "Harry Potter vs. Voldemort: The Fight of the Century."

America/Ron: No, not that, it's Hermione. It's just like, I can't get her out of my head and every time I look at her I have these pains in my chest and I just know it's her fault, that bitch.

I'm just not cut out for this Harry, I'm not.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah man, I know what you mean. It's like when you're trying to save the world and the whole world is just against you and…

America/Ron: No-no-no-no-no, this isn't about you.

Why does every conversation we have, have to turn into Potter Talk?

Prussia/Harry: It isn't Potter Talk…

America/Ron: No, I'm miserable and all you can do is talk about yourself. You're like the most self-absorbed guy I know. If you were miserable, I would be there for you but you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it. So-so good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after because me, I am never going to be happy again.

So I'm just going to go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.

Britain/Hermione: Were you just talking to Ron?

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, I was trying to tell him about Voldemort…

Britain/Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?

Prussia/Harry: Well, yeah he said something…

Britain/Hermione: Was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?

Prussia/Harry: Um yeah, I heard about that, listen I was wondering maybe you heard about a little something, I don't know, that Voldemort's Back! Cedric Diggory is dead, Professor Quirrell was crazy and now I have to save the world! Did you hear about that Hermione?

Britain/Hermione: Actually I have heard those things Harry, about a thousand times but never had they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude Harry Potter, you're acting like Garfield on a Monday.

Prussia/Harry: Well don't you think I have a right to be a little stressed out?

Britain/Hermione: No, no I don't. You know what, this is just like with the dragon okay. I stressed out, I told you to prepare and yet you didn't do anything and you were fine. You know you just played your little guitar and I mean I don't know what you're crying about Harry. This is just like when you defeated Voldemort when you were a baby.

Prussia/Harry: Hermione, come on, you're the friend that's supposed to tell me to go to the library and try to figure this stuff out.

Britain/Hermione: You know what Harry? I don't do that anymore.

Hungary/Draco: Read it and weep Potter, heard Voldemort's back and he's trying to kill you. What do you think about that Moon-shoes?

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy, I honestly don't see why you're so happy about this. If Voldemort is back, which he is, you might as well kiss Hogwarts good bye.

You might as well kiss the planet good bye.

Hungary/Draco: Kiss the planet good bye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts are you?

Prussia/Harry: Malfoy, you're the last person I want to talk to okay?

Hungary/Draco: You know what, as soon as you're out of the way, I'll be the coolest kid in school.

Britain/Hermione: Malfoy, that will never happen. Everybody hates you.

Hungary/Malfoy: Oh right, okay this coming from Hermione Stranger.

Ukraine/Pansy: She's right Malfoy, she's cooler than you now.

Belgium/Cho: Yeah, even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you.

Latvia/Neville: Take this, Expelliarmus! (Draco's trousers drop to reveal diaper)

Hungary/Draco: Ignore it, ignore it! Stop it.

Switzerland/Snape: What the devil is going on here? Draco Malfoy, pull those trousers up at once.

Hungary/Draco: Professor, I was just…

Switzerland/Snape: I don't want to hear it. I need to see you in my office, now.

Hungary/Draco: This is all your fault Potter. You'll pay for this, you'll all pay! (runs with trousers around his knees)

Prussia/Harry: Nice Neville, you're the man. Hey Ginny, what's up? I hope you have something to say about Voldemort.

Canada/Ginny: No.

Prussia/Harry: Whatever. No, don't bother.

Canada/Ginny: Um, hey Harry, so we kissed at the Yule Ball and well, I thought we were gonna be together forever? But we're not.

Prussia/Harry: Hey, that uh, pretty much sums it up.

Canada/Ginny: What's going on?

Prussia/Harry: Ginny, this is what's going on. Don't you get it? Everyone is in danger who is dear to me. We can't be together because if Voldemort is back, which he is, then you're in mortal peril. Don't' you get it? It's just like the Spider-man movie, did you see that?

Mary-Jane and Peter Parker can't be together.

Canada/Ginny: The whole point of Spider-man 2 was that Mary-Jane and Peter Parker could be together in the end.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah I know but the point of Spider-man 3 is everything sucks and it falls to shit! Ginny, what I'm trying to say is I don't want my life to be like Spider-man 3. I hated that movie. I'm sorry, it's just my little way of saying we can't be together. I'm sorry Ginny.

Canada/Ginny: I'm such an idiot. –goes off crying-

Prussia/Harry: I need a Butterbeer.

Germany/Dumbledore: Hey, psst, Potter, it's me, it's me.

Prussia/Harry: Who are you?

Germany/Dumbledore: It's Dumbledore.

Prussia/Harry: Oh.

Germany/Dumbledore: Listen, Harry, I've got some very important things I have to tell yah.

Prussia/Harry: Oh, about Voldemort?

Germany/Dumbledore: Yes, it's absolutely crucial for you to know but I can't get into it right now. You need to meet me at my inner office at ten o'clock and come by yourself. Bring that uh, Invisibility Cloak of yours. Don't go blabbing your mouth about this to anybody. I don't what the spies to hear, they could be anywhere, even inside of Hogwarts.

From now on the only persons you can trust Harry are me and Severus Snape.

Prussia/Harry: Listen Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this but uh, I am not so sure about Snape. I think, uh I'm pretty sure he's working for Voldemort.

Germany/Dumbledore: What? That's stupid, you're stupid.

Prussia/Harry: No-no, I'm positive that night in the graveyard some Death Eater cuts off his hand and Snape shows up without a hand, what is that?

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh cock-a-maybe, Snape has ensured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident.

Prussia/Harry: Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?

Germany/Dumbledore: 'Cause I love him.

Prussia/Harry: Professor, I…

Germany/Dumbledore: Hey, I don't wanna hear anything else about it. There is no way that Severus Snape is, was or shall be a servant Voldemort's.

* * *

**Act 2 Part 2**

Switzerland/Snape: All Hail Lord Voldemort!

France/Death Eater 1: Severus Snape, what are you doing here?

Italy/Death Eater 2: Got tired of being on Dumbledore's lap?

France/Death Eater 1: I ought to Jelly-Legs Jinx you right now.

Switzerland/Snape: Don't be goofy with me, I'm here to see Voldemort.

Italy/Death Eater 2: How do we know this isn't some Order of the Phoenix practical joke?

France/Death Eater 1: I though you deserted the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord lost his body?

Italy/Death Eater 2: Or were you always a spy for Dumbledore?

France/Death Eater 1: Slumber-snore.

Italy/Death Eater 2: Bumble-sore.

France/Death Eater 1: I heard you had your Dark Mark laser-surgically removed.

Switzerland/Snape: Oh, well if you two know so much about me, you should write a biography, _Snape: The Double Agent!_ (shows a mark) That's right, I've always been a servant of Voldemort's. I've simply been working undercover finding out valuable information such as the inner workings of Hogwarts, the roster of the Order of the Phoenix, and finding out what exactly a true Hufflepuff is anyway.

I've seen things no Slytherin should see. So if you are done putting each other's feet in each other's mouths, I would like to see my master.

France/Death Eater 1: Of course, right away Severus.

Switzerland/Snape: Good, I'll be in the drawing room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Then, after sneaking into the Department of Mysteries, we'll enchant the…

France/Death Eater 1: excuse me…

Seychelles/Bellatrix: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Excuse me, I was in the middle of plotting.

Where was I? The statues will occupy the guards in the Main Lobby while you and I sneak into the Minister's office, where you will be one Killing Curse away from complete control of the entire Wizarding World! How does that sound my Lord? My Lord? Voldemort.

Poland/Voldemort: Uh yeah, Gringotts, that's great. Polyjuice Potions, that's always very classy. I'm sorry what are we talking about?

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Did you hear anything of my evil plan?

Poland/Voldemort: Well, um, the details are a little fuzzy but uh, you did have very evil tone.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: He's all yours.

Poland/Voldemort: What? Bellatrix come back. No, it's, don't be like that! Now two people are mad at me!

What?

France/Death Eater 1: Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and infortunes access to you.

Poland/Voldemort: Severus Snape, see him in.

Switzerland/Snape: Is that a new body my Lord? You look absolutely ravishing.

Poland/Voldemort: Severus, for such a super-secret spy you're a terrible liar. I'm a wreck! Better have some good news.

Switzerland/Snape: My Lord, you know for years we have been trying to get Death Eaters into the castle? (hooks Voldemort's throat and the Dark Lord flinches and glares at him and he withdraws his hook) For years we have been trying to sneak Death eaters onto the grounds of Hogwarts, well I think I finally discovered a way how.

Poland/Voldemort: Well, by all means Snape tell me.

Switzerland/Snape: I can't.

Poland/Voldemort: Can't, tease! Why not?

Switzerland/Snape: I made an Unbreakable Vow not to let any Death Eaters in.

Poland/Voldemort: Great, Unbreakable Vows, I hate those.

Switzerland/Snape: I know but I had to do it in order to convince Dumbledore of my loyalty.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes Snape I understand. Well if you can't help me, what do you propose we do?

Switzerland/Snape: Well I can't tell you but I've brought along someone who can.

Hungary/Draco: All Hail Lord Voldemort.

Poland/Voldemort: HAHAHAHA! Lucius Malloy's boy?

Hungary/Draco: Malfoy…Malfoy…

Poland/Voldemort: Are you serious? Help from a child, you've got to be kidding me? –still laughing- Don't make me laugh I'm pissing!

Hungary/Draco: Oh, if this homemade Dark Mark won't convince you, then at least hear me out.

Poland/Voldemort: Okay, okay, okay, how do you propose we get my Death Eaters into your little daycare center and don't suggest the giant slide or a trampoline because we've already tried those.

Hungary/Draco: The vents, you're Death eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts.

Poland/Voldemort: Duh! The vents! Erg, how do we find these vents?

Hungary/Draco: Oh I'll tell you how to get to the vents but first we discuss the subject of payment.

Poland/Voldemort: Ah, the catch, there's always a catch. There's nothing in this world so cruel and demanding as the soul of a child. What do you want Malloy?

Hungary/Draco: I want a galaxy-traversing rocket ship with enough fuel to get me to Mars.

Poland/Voldemort: What do you want with a rocket ship? What business do you have on Mars?

Hungary/Draco: Let's just say (rhyme singing) Pigfarts, Pigfarts, here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts, yum yum yum!

Switzerland/Snape: No-no-no-no-no my Lord, with all due respect my Lord there is one tiny flaw in that flawless plan, Albus Dumbledore.

Poland/Voldemort: Ah, you're right Snape. Normally I'd say let's kill him but I haven't been feeling so evil lately. (glares at Hungary/Draco patting him)

Poland/Voldemort: So here's how it's gonna break down Milfoy. I need your guarantee that you'll lead my Death Eaters into Hogwarts. I will simultaneously be attacking the Ministry of Magic. Now I need you to promise that by the end of the siege of Hogwarts, Dumbledore will be dead-leave Harry Potter for me, but Dumbledore must die. Do we have a deal?

Hungary/Draco: We shall shake on it (spits in hand) an Unbreakable Vow.

Poland/Voldemort: -spits in hand- By the end of tomorrow night, Albus Dumbledore will be dead?

Hungary/Draco: Yes and I'll have my rocket ship?

Poland/Voldemort: When the technology is available.

Hungary/Draco: And you have to be my slave for a whole day starting now! (hands are released and Vow is made)

Poland/Voldemort: No! You little shit! He got me. He got me oh that is so embarrassing. That's the second time that that's happened. It's why I hate Unbreakable Curses.

Hungary/Draco: Oh there are so many things I'm going to have you do for me. You're going to clean my room, and lay out my knickers, and you're going to tape _Wizards of Waverly Place_for me!

Poland/Voldemort: Oh I hate chores!

Hungary/Draco: I'll be busy with a murder. Sometimes…hey.

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 3**

Britain/Hermione: harry, why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?

Prussia/Harry: Well, he's got some information to tell us about Voldemort. Did you bring the Invisibility Cloak?

Britain/Hermione: I got it right here.

America/Ron: Alright Harry, this better be good because I don't' have a snack and I'm missing Wizards of Waverly Place for this okay. So what do we have to do that is so damn,(gets handed a snack by musician) oh my god thank you. I love Hogwarts.

Prussia/Harry: Hogwarts is amazing.

America/Ron: You want one?

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, (piano thing and Harry does a cock-the-hip thing)

Britain/Hermione: You know what, I am leaving.

Prussia/Harry: Oh no-no-no-no-no you're not. No you're not. When I said I needed your help I meant the both of you. So you guys got to get over these hurt feelings before someone gets hurt okay.

So come on.

Germany/Dumbledore: (seductively) Hello Harry, how are…(drops act) oh god damn it! I told you to come by yourself.

Why did you have to bring the fans?

Prussia/Harry: Ron and Hermione are my best friends and if this information is as important as you say it is then they have a right to know.

Germany/Dumbledore: Well, I've been wrong before. Get in here hotcakes. I was talking to Weasley.

America/Ron: Thanks.

Germany/Dumbledore: Sorry the place is such a sty. (Zac Efron poster is visible)

America/Ron: Oh my god, that is a boss Zefron poster.

Prussia/Harry: It's awesome.

Germany/Dumbledore: Isn't he just the greatest? Whenever I see him, he seems like such a charismatic humanitarian.

Prussia/Harry: You think you like him? Wrong because I love him the most; Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anyone else in the whole world.

Anyway, that's not what we're here to talk about.

Britain/Hermione: Right.

Prussia/Harry: We're here to talk about Voldemort.

Germany/Dumbledore: It's not necessarily about Zefron, even though I love him the most, but uh about the Dark Lord. If you want to defeat this guy you're going to have to know about Horcruxes.

Prussia, America & Britain/The Trio: What's a Horcrux?

Germany/Dumbledore: Horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic that a wizard can create. It's actually when a wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts into something else.

America/Ron: Why would anybody ever want to do that?

Germany/Dumbledore: If you have a Horcrux, you can never truly die. Your body can be dead but your spirit can live on.

Britain/Hermione: It makes sense now Harry! Everyone knows that the night your parents were killed that Voldemort was destroyed but somehow he survived. He must have had a Horcrux!

Germany/Dumbledore: He didn't just have one Horcrux, he had six of them!

I already killed the first five for you so don't worry about that. But you guys have to find the last one with this.

Britain/Hermione: Sword of Godric Gryffindor!

Germany/Dumbledore: That's right.

Britain/Hermione: Godric Gryffindor was one of the four Founders of Hogwarts. If anything can destroy a Horcrux, that sword is it.

America/Ron: This thing is so damn awesome. Oh my god, every wizard should have a sword, not this stupid drumstick. (starts play fighting with the sword on his own)

Prussia/Harry: You know, we know what a Horcrux is but how can we find it? Where are they? Where's the last one?

Germany/Dumbledore: You find them with this. Looks like G-unit bling (America/Ron takes it and drops the sword) but it's actually a Horcrux seeking medallion.

Harry: Wait, that's a Horcrux seeking medallion? That sounds a little too convenient.

Germany/Dumbledore: You don't have trouble with a Time Turner but you have trouble with a Horcrux seeking medallion?

Britain/Hermione: wait, so if he has this piece of bling, then why are Ron and I even here?

America/Ron: Yeah, Voldemort isn't any of our business.

Germany/Dumbledore: Hermione Granger (glares at America/Ron), when one of you gots a problem then that means all three of you has got a problem. What would Zac Efron say in a time like this? (singing) We're all in this together. (talking) Anyways, you just got to find the Horcrux and you've got to destroy it.

It's the only way to beat the Dark…what is going on? This is…oh! It must be the Death Eaters. They're coming to kill me. Kids, get your beards on.

Britain/Hermione: We don't have any beards!

Germany/Dumbledore: I thought I told you to bring beards!

Prussia/Harry: No, we have the Invisibility Cloak!

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh, well put that on but it's not a beard.

China/Death Eater A: Hey, are you Dumbledore?

Germany/Dumbledore: No, you see I've got this beard on.

China/Death Eater A: Well, have you seen him?

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh I thought I saw someone over there by that bureau but I could have just been imagining what I would look like without this beard.

China/Death Eater A: Alright everyone, spread out and look for Dumbledore. (all three Death Eaters search office) He's got to be around here somewhere.

Germany/Dumbledore: Be careful with the Zac Efron poster, it's an antique.

China/Death Eater A: Why do you care so much about Zefron?

Germany/Dumbledore: I don't I just appreciate his charms and hair.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah but everyone knows I like him best!

Ukraine/Death Eater B: What was that?

Italy/Death eater C: I was I could say that it was me because I feel that I love Zefron the most but it was definitely a voice from within this room.

Ukraine/Death Eater B: Is it an invisible man?

Italy/Death Eater C: Could the predator be in the room?

China/Death Eater A: Begin an invisible man search! (Dumbledore glances at the trio)

Germany/Dumbledore: Alright it's me. It's Dumbledore.

Ukraine/Death Eater B: Dumbledore, where's you come from?

Germany/Dumbledore: The man with the beard turned me in.

Ukraine/Death Eater B: Now we've got you just where we want you.

Germany/Dumbledore: Yes, but what I don't understand is how?

Italy/Death Eater C: We had the help from a man on the inside. Someone who trusted, someone you may have even loved.

Prussia/Harry: Slughorn?

Britain/Hermione: Lockhart?

Germany/Dumbledore: Aberforth my brother?

Hungary/Draco: No, it was me.

Germany/Dumbledore: Malfoy, you little shit.

Hungary/Draco: That's right Dumbledore. I betrayed everyone and now I'm going to kill you.

Germany/Dumbledore: No you're not. Draco, if you were going to kill me you would have done so already.

Hungary/Draco: No-no-no, not necessarily true. I just wanted to offer you one more game of Connect-Four before I offed you.

Germany/Dumbledore: Draco, there are other options. You know it's time that you looked inside yourself and figure out what it is you really want.

Hungary/Draco: I want Hermione Granger…and a rocket ship.

Germany/Dumbledore: Then why didn't you just take the girl out to a Happy Meal and go to space camp? Come on, murder leads to a life of despair and desperation. I know you're going to do that right thing, okay. That a boy!

Switzerland/Snape: What the devil is going on here?

China/Death Eater A: Snape, we've got Dumbledore cornered.

Switzerland/Snape: Well, what are we waiting for? Kill him! Do it Draco.

Hungary/Draco: I don't think I can.

Switzerland/Snape: Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!

Germany/Dumbledore: I don't understand. I gave you my letterman jacket.

Switzerland/Snape: It never fit. (curses Germany/Dumbledore)

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I could have shrunk it with magic. Severus, please don't kill me!

Switzerland/Snape: Avada Kedavra! (Germany/Dumbledore chokes a bit and dies…Death Eaters cheer while the students are in shock)

Prussia/Harry: I hate Snape, I hate Snape, I hate Snape, I hate Snape. I hate him I'm gonna kill him.

Britain/Hermione: It's not your fault Harry!

Prussia/Harry: No, it is my fault, don't you understand? Everybody is dying because of me. First Cedric and now Dumbledore, I can't do it anymore!

America/Ron: Come on, let's go to the Burrow.

Prussia/Harry: No!

Don't you get it? I have to do this by myself. I did it once when I was a baby, I can't have you guys be near me you're too much a risk.

Britain/Hermione: No, we don't care about the risk!

Prussia/Harry: No, you don't understand, you have to get away from me.

America/Ron: You can't mean that?

Prussia/Harry: I do. Leave me alone! (runs off)

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 4**

Poland/Voldemort: Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic!

France/Minister: I still don't believe you're back.

Poland/Voldemort: Believe this Fudge, Avada Kedavra!

France/Minister: A heart-attack, surely…(cringes in pain again and dies)

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Wohoo! Yes, the Ministry has fallen! Yes, without the Minister, you'll be the King of All Magic!

Mhmm, Voldemort, right here, right now on the Minster's desk!

Poland/Voldemort: I'm gonna get yah! I'm gonna get yah! Come here Trixie! (chases her around the desk in foreplay)

You wanna try something new?

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Oh so new!

Poland/Voldemort: Get on the desk. (Seychelles/Bellatrix lays on the desk) Now sit up, bitch. (sits up)

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Yes, command me my Lord. (Poland/Voldemort feels her up and then sits with his back to hers)

Poland/Voldemort: That's nice.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: So what do we do now?

Poland/Voldemort: Anything we want, hang out mostly. We can watch a movie, how about _She's All That_, I haven't seen the beginning of it.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Are you feeling okay my Lord?

Poland/Voldemort: Of course I am Quirrell!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Alright, that's the dozenth time you've called me that.

Poland/Voldemort: No I uh, I called you a squirrel. I called you a squirrel.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: No, you're thinking of that pawn that we sent to Azkaban.

Poland/Voldemort: He's not a pawn. More of a man than you'll ever be.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: I can't do this. If I'm going to be evil with all of you, then I have to be evil with all of you.

Poland/Voldemort: Evil with all of me? What does that mean? I'm all right here.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: No, there are pieces of you missing.

Poland/Voldemort: Are you talking about my Horcruxes? 'Cause if it weren't for those I wouldn't even be here right now!

Prussia/Harry: (singing) I can't remember Dad and I can't remember Mom. Aunts and uncles aren't quite the same but I had him and life seemed fair. Yes, I had him. He was there to give me strength, show concern, ask for nothing in return. Say Hello, talk me through, do the things that fathers should do…and I'm missing you! I'm just missing you.

Lithuania/Quirrell: There it is, he's gone and he's hung me out to dry. The joy he said he felt, well, I guess it was a lie but when I had him my life was fine. When I had him, he was mine. He'd share his thoughts, be a friend, stick with until the end. Watch a movie, roller skate, fill the world with fear and hate…

Both: And I'm missing you! I'm just missing you. Now I'm all alone, now you're gone for good. Now I'm stuck right here wishing I understood.

Prussia/Harry: You gave me hope when my spells weren't right.

Lithuania/Quirrell: You gave me someone to hold every night…and I'm missing you.

Prussia/Harry: I'm just missing you.

Lithuania/Quirrell: I'm just missing you.

Prussia/Harry: I'm just missing you.

Poland/Voldemort: Shit.

Ukraine/Death Eater: My Dark Lord, news from Severus Snape, Dumbledore is dead and the Dementors have control the castle. Hogwarts is yours my dark Lord.

Poland/Voldemort: Excellent! Prepare my flying machine. Looks like I'm going back to Hogwarts.

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 5**

Canada/Ginny: Harry!

Prussia/Harry: Ginny, what are you doing here? Get out of here.

Canada/Ginny: No, there's no place to go, the Death Eaters are all over the castle.

Prussia/Harry: I know and they're looking for me and if they find me you're going to be with…and you're going to get in trouble. Get out of here!

Canada/Ginny: What are you going to do?

Prussia/Harry: I don't know Ginny, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.

Canada/Ginny: You have to do something. I don't' know what you can do but you can to do it. You're Harry Potter…(Prussia/Harry: NO!) You're the Boy-Who-Lived!

Prussia/Harry: No Ginny, you don't get it! If you guys get it, I'm just a twelve year old kid.

Ginny, I'm sorry but I'm alone. It's hopeless. Alright?

Canada/Ginny: (singing) I've been alone, surrounded by darkness and I've seen how heartless the world can be. I've seen you crying. You felt like it's hopeless. I'll always do my best to make you see. 'Cause Harry you're not alone, 'cause you're here with me and nothing's ever gonna bring us down. 'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you and you know it's true.

It don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through. Now I know it ain't easy,

Prussia/Harry: No it ain't easy.

Canada/Ginny: But it ain't hard trying.

Prussia/Harry: It's so hard trying.

Canada/Ginny: Every time I see you smiling and I feel you so close to me. Tell me,

Both: 'Cause baby you're not alone, 'cause you're here with me and nothing's ever gonna bring us down 'cause nothing can keep me from loving you and you know it's true. It don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through.

Prussia/Harry: Well I still have trouble, I trip and stumble trying to make sense of things some times. I look for reasons, but I don't need 'em. All I need is to look in your eyes and I realize…

America/Ron: Hey Harry.

All Four: "Baby, you're not alone 'cause you're here with me and nothing's gonna ever take us down. 'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you and you know it's true. It don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through."

Prussia/Harry: You guys, I'm so glad you came back, sorry for when I shouted, 'cause it don't matter what'll come to be,

All Four: Our love is all we need…

America/Ron: To make…

Britain/Hermione: To make…

Canada/Ginny: To make…

Prussia/Harry: To make…

All four: It through.

Britain/Hermione: Okay, now that we have that four-part harmony out of the way, we gotta look for that Horcrux.

America/Ron: Well, it could be anywhere. If I had a Horcrux, I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all of his jewels.

Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about Horcruxes.

Britain/Hermione: Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, to drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion.

Prussia/Harry: Well, medallion says that's dumb so we're not going to do that. But it does say it's in one convenient place, get this, Hogwarts.

America/Ron: That's awesome I love Hogwarts.

Prussia/Harry: Even better, it's in Dumbledore's office.

America/Ron: That's bitchin'.

Prussia/Harry: So let's go, wait a second. Wait a second, hold the phone how did you get here? Death Eaters are all over Hogwarts.

Canada/Ginny: Oh, I had help.

America/Ron: From who? (Canada/Ginny screams and Hungary/Malfoy walks out)

America/Ron: Malfoy!

Canada/Ginny: No-no-no, he's really nice now.

Hungary/Draco: Oh yeah, I've just wanted to say that song you guys sang was really beautiful (Gryffindors say thanks in various ways) and um, while I was backstage, I was working out my high fifth and thought maybe I could join you but you wrapped it up before I could chime in there. Maybe if you do a reprise I could have a little go at it. So, but as Ginny said, I'm really nice now and I just feel awful about what happened but I mean, could you argue that this was my fault?

America/Ron: Absolutely.

Prussia/Harry: Of course.

Britain/Hermione: Yes.

Hungary/Draco: Yeah, that would be a safe argument. But let me ask you one question: do you think I'm happy about this?

America/Ron: Oh my god, Malfoy just because you're upset doesn't mean you're off the hook.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, furthermore do you wanna kick your own ass or should we do it for you?

Hungary/Draco: Well, I guess if you're giving me the option, I'll kick my own ass. First, I should teach you how to get into Dumbledore's office. It's ironically the same way the Death Eaters got in.

Britain/Hermione: Okay, why don't you boys head off to Dumbledore's office, okay, and Ginny and I will take the Invisibility Cloak and we'll see if we can contact the Order of the Phoenix. We haven't really seen them the whole play.

Britain/Harry: That's a good plan, don't touch me, let's get out of here, let's go.

America/Ron: Hey Hermione, come down stage. Um, listen uh shit, uh, alright hey, so I've been acting like a real jerk-ass lately. You know that and uh, I'm sorry. It's just seeing you dance with everyone at the Yule Ball just made me kind of jealous. I was jealous.

Britain/Hermione: "You were jealous?"

America/Ron: That's the third time I've said I was jealous.

Britain/Hermione: Okay, Ron we don't really have to talk about this right now.

America/Ron: Well, what if the Death Eaters get us? What if we don't' come back you know?

Britain/Hermione: Ron, don't say that (America/Ron grabs her face and kisses her)

America/Ron: Whoa. (smell each other's breathe, America/Ron sprays stuff in her mouth) It's ungodly. (puts gum in her mouth) Here take two. Chew it. (smells breathe again and Britain/Hermione feels him up and they do weird tongue kiss thing and end up on the floor) (America/Ron acts like He-man) Let's go kill Voldemort!

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 6**

Hungary/Draco: Do you not see this Zefron poster?

America/Ron: Yeah, we know Malfoy.

Prussia/Harry: We already know about it.

America/Ron: Malfoy, it's not that big of a deal, can we just look for some Horcruxes please? Is this thing of pencils a Horcrux?

Prussia/Harry: (with medallion) No, (Hungary/Malfoy with drawer) Nope.

America/Ron: Is this a Horcrux?

Prussia/Harry: Nope.

Hungary/Draco: Pack of doughnuts?

Prussia/Harry: Nope.

America/Ron: Those are snacks, those are snacks (takes the doughnuts and put in pocket) Is this a Horcrux? (sword)

Prussia/Harry: No.

America/Ron: This could take forever, so many things in this room. The only thing with real value, is that Zefron poster.

Prussia/Harry: Wait a second, you don't think, no. Anything relating to Zac Efron would never be evil.

America/Ron: Not even close.

Prussia/Harry: That's impossible…(Poland/Voldemort pops into poster) Ah! Ron, kill it. Kill it Ron, it's the last Horcrux! Kill it.

Hungary/Draco: Don't kill it, it's Zefron.

America/Ron: I know, he's so charismatic!

Poland/Horcrux: Don't kill me, I'm not your enemy. Potter is the enemy.

America/Ron: No, Harry's my friend.

Britain/Horcrux: But you have to get your head in the game Weasley. He will betray you, take that which you want the most.

Prussia/Harry: It's a lie Ron don't listen to him, he's lying!

Poland/Horcrux: I know your thoughts Ron Weasley, I know what you truly desire. Hello Ron! (Horcrux goes from Poland/Voldemort to Britain/Hermione)

America/Ron: Oh my god Hermione, you've lost weight.

Britain/Horcrux: That's right, I'm in shape for Harry Potter.

America/Ron: Wait, what, Harry?

Britain/Horcrux: That's right, as long as Harry's around you'll always be second best; least loved. But if Harry Potter were gone then we could be together forever.

Prussia/Harry: Ron, it's not true Ron.

America/Ron: Yeah, Harry's my friend.

Britain/Horcrux: But don't you want me Ron? (Ron: Yes.) Don't you love me Ron? (Ron: Yes) Then you know what you have to do Ron.

America/Ron: Yes, I must kill Harry.

Britain/Horcrux: That's right.

Prussia/Harry: Ron, no! It's a trick Ron. Don't listen to her. Listen, stop it, Hermione's one of my best friends. I would never do anything to hurt you or her.

Britain/Horcrux: Lies Weasley, all lies.

Prussia/Harry: Ron, it's not true, you're my best friend!

Come on, I'm your best friend. NO, Ron please!

America/Ron: ARGH! –stabs poster-

Prussia/Harry: Do it again. –hits poster again-

(America/Ron collapses and then opens doughnuts)

Hungary/Draco: (picking up poster) Oh a little bit of tape and it's fine.

Prussia/Harry: Ron, you had me going there for a minute there buddy.

America/Ron: Yeah, sorry about that pal, it's just everything she was saying you know, I couldn't...I don't know.

Prussia/Harry: What?

America/Ron: Even if that's how she did feel about you and me, well it wouldn't matter. You're my best friend. I would never do anything to hurt you. -both are choking on emotion-

I mean 'cause I love you.

Prussia/Harry: I love you too man. –hug-

Hungary/Draco: Well then listen chaps, as fun as this was, I thought destroying the Horcrux would be much harder.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah me too.

America/Ron: When you think about it? Horcruxes are just kind of stupid.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Wands down boys! (Hermione is in her clutches and Ginny in a Death Eater's)

Hungary/Draco: How did you idiots get captured? You were invisible!

Britain/Hermione: Sorry!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Do it Potter or they die!

Prussia/Harry: Well, it looks like we have our backs against the wall with nowhere to go. Put your swords down, and wands. (they all drop their weapons)

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Ah, look at Baby Potter, giving orders to his itty bitty diaper friends.

Prussia/Harry: I'm not a baby. I'm not a baby, I'm twelve.

Switzerland/Snape: What the devil is going on here? Whoa, déja-vous.

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Welcome Snape, I love it! We have Potter and his friends at last.

Britain/Hermione: Oh, you are a very mean person!

America/Ron: Yeah, Dumbledore trusted you!

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, you're a big fat traitor Snape.

Switzerland/Snape: Oh, a traitor am I Potter? You're exactly right. I am a traitor because I'm about to betray someone. Right now…hi-yah! (Cuts a Death Eater's hand off, freeing Canada/Ginny)

Bat-Bogey Hex!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Expelliarmus! Serpentsortia! (students cringe)

Switzerland/Snape: My wiener!

Prussia/Harry: Snape, no!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Oh, don't even think about moving unless anyone of you wants a snake to the wiener. Now come on Potter, you're coming with me. Only the Dark Lord has the right to kill you. Come on! (Harry starts to follow)

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: Kids!

Canada and America/Ginny and Ron: Mom?

Prussia/Harry: Mrs. Weasley?

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Who the hell are you?

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: I'm Molly Weasley and those are my kids. Avada Kedavra!

Seychelles/Bellatrix: Uh, that's not fair.

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: Die, bitch.

America/Ron: Holy shit, Mom you just killed Bellatrix. I thought you were going to tuck in her shirt or make her do the dishes.

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: (clap) Stupid kids! (America & Canada/Ron and Ginny grab their ears)

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Even the unforgivable can be considered forgivable sometimes.

Canada/Ginny: What are you doing here?

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: I came here with the Order of the Phoenix; Lupin, Tonks, Mad-eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother Fred.

America/Ron: Oh great, where are they?

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: They're all dead.

Canada/Ginny: Fred? No.

Ukraine/Mrs. Weasley: Anyway, just came here to save your lives, go back to what you were doing. Disapparate!

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 7**

Prussia/Harry: Snape, Snape! Um, Expelliarmus! -snake is taken off his genitals-

America/Ron: Die, die, die! –stomps snake to death-

Britain/Hermione: Oh, Harry, this does not look good. That is a coral snake and coral snake is a highly poisonous snake.

Switzerland/Snape: She's right. It's too late for me now. Before I go, I need to tell you there is another Horcrux!

Britain/Hermione: How can that be? All the Horcruxes have been destroyed.

Switzerland/Snape: No, there's a seventh one.

America/Ron: I really hope it's not an Ashley Tisdale poster, I can't do that.

Switzerland/Snape: Check the medallion.

Prussia/Harry: It doesn't say anything.

Switzerland/Snape: Give it to Granger.

Britain/Hermione: Wait a minute, it says there's one right here but I don't understand.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah.

Switzerland/Snape: Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parents, he tried to destroy you but his body was destroyed instead. When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the whole and attached itself to you. Voldemort can never truly die until all of the Horcruxes have been destroyed.

Britain/Hermione: But, if Harry's a Horcrux, I mean, does that mean Harry has to be destroyed?

Prussia/Harry: There's got to be another way.

Switzerland/Snape: No, Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch very carefully. (dies)

Hungary/Draco: He didn't even do anything.

Prussia/Harry: It's because he's dead you dumb motherfu…

Poland/Voldemort: People of Hogwarts, my Death Eaters have taken the castle and your Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is dead. Continue to resist and you will be killed one-by-one. But, there need not be war between us, you've all fought so valiantly and I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world order (as my slaves). Give up now and be forgiven. I command my Death Eaters to stand down. Now, Harry Potter, I speak directly to you. If you do not wish for those close to you to continue to suffer and die on your behalf, you will come face me yourself. I'll be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest for one hour. At the end of that hour, if you have not come to face me, if you have not turned yourself in, the battle recommences. This time, Potter, I'll shall enter the play myself and I will find you and I will murder every last man (America/Ron reacts), woman (Britain/Hermione reacts), and child (Hungary/Draco: No.) who tries to conceal you from me. Voldemort out, bitches.

Britain/Hermione: Alright guys, don't worry. We still have an hour. Okay, we just need to come up with a plan.

Prussia/Harry: There's no plan Hermione. I know what I have to do. I have to die.

Canada/Ginny: No-no-no, there's gotta be another way.

Britain/Hermione: Well, maybe there's something in this book you know? We could find some sort of enchantment that'll nullify the…

Prussia/Harry: No-no-no, Hermione, forget about it. There's only one thing to do; I have to die. I love you all, except you Draco. I can't fucking stand you.

Bye.

Canada/Ginny: Harry?

America/Ron: Harry!

China/Death Eater: He's not coming my Lord.

Poland/Voldemort: It seems that way. Well, Death Eaters, it looks like we're going back to seize the castle. This is what Potter has chosen. Funny, I-I expected…I expected him to come. It seems I was mistaken.

Prussia/Harry: You weren't.

Poland/Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived. Crucio! (Harry drops in pain)

Crucio! You're not even going to fight back? (Prussia/Harry throws his wand) You're weak. Weak, just like your parents. They did not deserve to live in this world, in My world. Prepare to join them, prepare to die. Avada Kedavra!

China/Death Eaters: Wohoo! Whoa! Voldy! Voldy! You've done it my Lord. Potter is dead, no one shall ever question your powers again.

Poland/Voldemort: Yes…

China/Death Eater: Doesn't this please you my Lord?

Poland/Voldemort: (checking Prussia/Harry's body) Yeah, yeah it's great. It's great. I just thought it might make me feel less empty inside.

Well Death Eaters, let's go back to Hogwarts to tell them what has become of their hero.

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 8**

Germany/Dumbledore: Hey Harry.

Prussia/Harry: Whoa!

Dumbledore, what? Where am I? I thought I was dead, I got shot by Voldemort.

Germany/Dumbledore: Let's just say you're somewhere between our world and theirs.

Prussia/Harry: What, did I survive?

Germany/Dumbledore: It wouldn't be the first time Potter. Take a seat.

Prussia/Harry: Alright.

Germany/Dumbledore: Harry, have you ever heard of a…sit down…ever heard of a love shield?

Prussia/Harry: Uh, no but it sounds like it's kind of fruity.

Germany/Dumbledore: A love shield is anything but fruity. It's when somebody loves you so much that if they were ever willing to give their life for you, that love literally becomes a shield which surrounds your body, protects you from any form of Dark Magic.

Prussia/Harry: So, that happened to me? I have a love shield.

Germany/Dumbledore: Harry, it's time for you to learn all the things you should have learned all these seven years ago.

Which really would have helped you along the way. The love shield protects you the first time, Voldemort accidently turned you into the seventh Horcrux, on the night you already knew about.

Prussia/Harry: That's when my parents died.

Germany/Dumbledore: Exactly and when he tried to kill you the second time, he was actually unknowingly killing the piece of himself inside of you and I've known the whole time.

Prussia/Harry: You knew this whole time, you bastard.

Germany/Dumbledore: Hey, hey, they don't call me the greatest wizard that ever lived for nothing. Harry, it is time for you to get your cute little butt back there and fight him as a mortal man. Except this time, he'll be a mortal man too.

Prussia/Harry: Dumbledore, I get what you're saying. I know what I have to do.

Germany/Dumbledore: Good boy.

Prussia/Harry: Hey, before I go, um so your clairvoyant now right? You can see the past, present, and future all at the same time?

Germany/Dumbledore: Yeah.

Prussia/Harry: Can you tell me how Lost ends?

Germany/Dumbledore: Harry, there are some questions even I can't answer.

Prussia/Harry: Thanks man.

Germany/Dumbledore: Hey, no problem, third door on your left there.

Italy/Rumbleroar: Are you ready to go Dumbledore?

Germany/Dumbledore: Sure am Rumbleroar.

Italy/Rumbleroar: And you're sure that you don't want to let Harry Potter know that you're really still alive?"

Germany/Dumbledore: Eh, no, Pigfarts has been a closely guarded secret for hundreds of years. Better to keep it that way.

Italy/Rumbleroar: I suppose you're right. Do you have your spacesuit Dumbledore?

Germany/Dumbledore: Oh, thank you for reminding me. Ready to go Rumby?

Italy/Rumbleroar: I sure am, to Pigfarts! RUMBLEROAR!

Poland/Voldemort: People of Hogwarts, it's me. Harry Potter is dead. He was killed while running away, trying to save himself,

While you laid down your lives for him. The battle is won. My Death Eaters outnumber you. Continue to resist and be slaughtered. Come out of the castle, kneel before me and you may be spared.

America/Ron: Okay, uh, you guys barricade the door. Go do it right now. (students barricade door) Cho, you go see if Neville's dead. Um, you guys, go get snacks!

Oh shit, we barricaded the door. Um, me, I will-will…(pulls out a cigarette and throws it away) quit. Well, there's only one thing we can do. We're going to fight.

Hungary/Draco: Come on, I'm tired. Can't we just be Death Eaters?

America/Ron: No, no we can't just be Death Eaters. Okay? We are gonna fight and we are gonna fight so hard, that we're gonna win. (singing) He thinks that we're finished. He thinks that we're done. He thinks that it's over, his battle is won! Ha! He thinks that we're finished, no, but we aren't through. Stop and think my friends what would Harry do for you?

Britain/Hermione: Harry never gave up the fight. Harry stood up for what is right. Well, now it's our turn.

Both: Our turn! Make a joyful sound, Voldemort is going down!

America/Ron: Come on!

Britain/Hermione: Get up guys.

America/Ron: Get in a line!

America, Britain & Canada/Ron, Hermione, and Ginny: We must unite so we can fight, turn the battle around. Time's running out, it's time to shout! Voldemort is going down.

Britain/Hermione: Can't you feel the fire burning? Now it's time to be a man, a great big-muscley-super big-super hot man!

(Students: AH!)

Everyone: We won't be pushed around anymore. We'll be a force you cannot ignore. We'll be an army for Dumbledore! For Dumbledore! We must unite, so we can fight, turn the battle around. Time's running out, it's time to shout! Voldemort is going down.

Prussia/Harry: Guys, I'm alive! (everyone goes crazy) Hey, I know how to defeat Voldemort. Everybody follow me okay?

Everyone: We must unite so we can fight, turn the battle around. Time's running out, it's time to shout. Voldemort is going…

Prussia/Harry: We must unite, so we can fight!

Everyone: Voldemort is going down!

America/Ron: Yeah!

* * *

**Act 2 Scene 9**

America/Ron: No, it's cool we barricaded it. He can't get in, we barricaded the door. It's alright, it's impossible. (Freak out when Voldemort comes through the wall)

Poland/Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! (curses the barricade) WHAT? (sees Harry) Potter, how many times do I have to kill you boy?

Prussia/Harry: Apparently, more than once but it's all over Voldemort. You can't kill me this time. Nobody help me, I've got to do this by myself.

Poland/Voldemort: He doesn't mean that. It's not how he operates, is it boy? Who are you going to use as a human shield this time Potter?

Britain/Hermione: Ron! (America/Ron had stepped forward but Hermione drew him back)

Prussia/Harry: Nobody, because this time it's just you and me because all the Horcruxes are gone. I destroyed them all.

Poland/Voldemort: What? Even my Zefron poster?

Prussia/Harry: Especially the Zefron poster.

Poland/Voldemort: NO! Curse you Potter you'll die for that.

Prussia/Harry: No I won't because you can't kill me.

And you can't kill any of these people.

Poland/Voldemort: What the fuck are you on about?

Prussia/Harry: You don't know what the stakes are Voldemort, I was prepared to die to save these people.

Poland/Voldemort: But you didn't!

Prussia/Harry: But I meant to and that's what did it. I've done what my mother did for me for these people. I've given them magical sanctuary so you can't hurt me or these people ever again.

Poland/Voldemort: So, what? Who cares about these children, it's you I want dead Potter. What's to stop you from dying when I strike?

Prussia/Harry: Just one thing, think of all the people you've hurt, all the lives you've destroyed-all the people you've killed okay. Try a little slice of remorse pie.

Poland/Voldemort: What?

Prussia/Harry: There's gotta be one person, one thing in your life you miss, that you regret.

Poland/Voldemort: Well, maybe there's one…NO! There isn't! The jokes on you Potter. I don't care about anybody.

Prussia/Harry: I know, that's what makes you such a piece of shit. You see at Hogwarts, we all stick together. We love one another, we're friends. My love is protecting these guys and their love is all I need to protect me from you.

Poland/Voldemort: Let's put that theory to the test Potter. Avada Kedavra!

Prussia/Harry: Expelliarmus! (Poland/Voldemort Dies)

Belgium/Cho: Well, Chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it y'all. (everyone cheers)

America/Ron: WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (Prussia/Harry stops making out with Canada/Ginny on the floor and looks at America/Ron annoyed)

Prussia/Harry: What?

America/Ron: Listen, hey, I just want to let you guys know that I'm totally cool with it. Go right ahead. Come on Hermione, make out with me. (lick each other quickly)

Britain/Hermione: Well guys, I guess that ties up all the loose ends.

Prussia/Harry: Yeah, that's cool.

Britain/Hermione: Oh, except for the House Cup tournament.

Latvia/Neville: Kids, kids, look at this. I found Dumbledore's will.

Prussia/Harry: Dumbledore's will?

Latvia/Neville: Yeah, it says –Upon my death, that Gryffindor wins the House Cup! It also says that Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and Toon Town goes to the Toons! (everyone cheers)

Prussia/Harry: Hey, I guess all the professors are dead so, Butterbeers on me!

China/Dementor: Clean to go.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Thank You.

China/Dementor: You know, while I was devouring every single one of your happy thoughts, they all seemed to be about a certain friend of yours. Wanna talk?

Lithuania/Quirrell: No, that's behind me now.

China/Dementor: Sorry, well did you hear the news? Voldemort is dead! Yeah, good luck getting off this impenetrable island!

Lithuania/Quirrell: Dead? (drops in agony and cries)

Poland/Voldemort: Hey you.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Voldemort, is it really you?

Poland/Voldemort: What's left of me.

Lithuania/Quirrell: But I just heard that you were…

Poland/Voldemort: Destroyed? Yeah, but Quirrell, there's a part of me that's still here and I can't go on to the next plane without it. It's a part of me that can't be destroyed because it's right…here. (points to Quirrell's heart)

Lithuania/Quirrell: In my heart? So you came back?

Poland/Voldemort: I came home.

Lithuania/Quirrell: And you don't want to kill Harry Potter anymore?

Poland/Voldemort: No, because I learned something when I had my body back Quirrell. I learned that life is really messy, complicated, and doesn't turn out the way you think it will and that, you think killing people might make them like you but it doesn't.

It just makes people dead. I got killed by a two year old and it's really embarrassing and people are always like –When you gonna come back Voldemort?- or –When you gonna take over the world?- It's me, it's all on me! And I'm sitting there by myself and no it in there and I saw to myself, maybe with Quirrell things would be okay.

Lithuania/Quirrell: Is okay good?

Poland/Voldemort: Quirrell, okay is wonderful. (run to each other and go back-to-back)

Everyone: Baby you're not alone, 'cause you're here with me and nothing's ever gonna bring us down, 'cause nothing can keep me from loving you and you know it's true. It don't' matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through. (they bow and the screen goes back to the symbol)

* * *

**AN: OMG this took me SO long. If you have any queries on casting, put it in your review or PM me. Also, for the VP series, I've gone by actor, instead of character. I will do more musicals, currently working on Avenue Q. I also work the material available, so while things like Starkid shows and Legally Blonde will have full scripts, others, like Avenue Q and Book of Mormon will just have songs.**

**Merci. DBM out. **


	2. Avenue Q

_**Avenue Q**_

**The Avenue Q theme**

Company:

The sun is shining,  
It's a lovely day,  
The perfect morning for a kid to play  
But you've got lots of bills to pay-  
What can you do?

You work real hard  
And the pay's real low,  
And every hour goes oh so slow  
And then at the end of the day there's nowhere to go...

But home to Avenue Q!  
You live on Avenue Q!  
Your friends do too!  
You are twenty-two  
And you live on Avenue Q!

You live on Avenue Q!  
You live on Avenue Q!

* * *

**What do you do/It Sucks to be me**

Denmark/Princeton:

What do you do  
With a B.A in English?  
What is my life going to be?

Four years of college,  
And plenty of knowledge  
Have earned me this useless degree

I can't pay the bills yet  
'Cause I have no skills yet  
The world is a big scary place

But somehow I can't shake  
The feeling I might make  
A difference to the human race!

Norway/Kate  
Morning, Brian!

America/Brian  
Hi, Kate Monster.

Norway/Kate  
How's life?

America/Brian  
Disappointing!

Norway/Kate  
What's the matter?

America/Brian  
The catering company laid me off.

Norway/Kate  
Oh, I'm sorry!

America/BRIAN  
Me too! I mean, look at me!  
I'm ten years out of college, and I  
always thought -

Norway/KATE MONSTER  
What?

America/Brian  
No, it sounds stupid.

Norway/Kate  
Aww, come on!

America/Brian  
When I was little  
I thought I would be...

Norway/Kate  
What?

America/Brian  
A big comedian  
on late night TV  
But now I'm thirty-two  
And as you can see  
I'm not

Norway/Kate  
Nope!

America/Brian  
Oh Well,  
It sucks to be me.

Norway/Kate  
Nooo.

America/Brian  
It sucks to be me.

Norway/Kate  
No!

America/Brian  
It sucks to be broke  
and unemployed  
and turning thirty-three.  
It sucks to be me.

Norway/Kate  
Oh, you think your life sucks?

America/Brian  
I think so.

Norway/Kate  
Your problems aren't so bad!  
I'm kinda pretty  
And pretty damn smart.

America/Brian  
You are.

Norway/Kate  
Thanks!  
I like romantic things  
Like music and art.  
And as you know  
I have a gigantic heart  
So why don't I have  
A boyfriend?  
Fuck!  
It sucks to be me!

America/Brian  
Me too.

Norway/Kate  
It sucks to be me.

America/Brian  
It sucks to be me.  
It sucks to be Brian...

Norway/Kate  
And Kate...

America/Brian  
To not have a job!

Norway/Kate  
To not have a date!

Both  
It sucks to be me.

America/Brian  
Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you  
settle something for us?  
Do you have a second?

Germany/Rod  
Ah, certainly.

Norway/Kate  
Whose life sucks more?  
Brian's or mine?

Prussia and Germany/Nicky and Rod  
Ours!

Germany/Rod  
We live together.

Prussia/Nicky  
We're as close  
As people can get.

Germany/Rod  
We've been the best  
of buddies...

Prussia/Nicky  
Ever since the  
Day we met.

Germany/Rod  
So he knows lots  
Of ways to make me  
Really upset.  
Oh, every day is  
An aggravation.

Prussia/Nicky  
Come on, that's  
an exaggeration!

Germany/Rod  
You leave your  
clothes out.  
You put your feet  
On my chair.

Prussia/Nicky  
Oh yeah?  
You do such anal  
Things like ironing  
Your underwear.

Germany/Rod  
You make that very  
Small apartment  
We share a hell.

Prussia/Nicky  
So do you,  
That's why I'm in hell too!

Germany/Rod  
It sucks to be me!

Prussia/Nicky  
No, it sucks to be me!

Norway/Kate monster  
It sucks to be me!

America/Brian  
It sucks to be me!

All  
Is there anybody here  
It doesn't suck to be?  
It sucks to be me!

Japan/Christmas eve  
Why you all so happy?

Prussia/Nicky  
Because our lives suck!

Japan/Christmas eve  
Your lives suck?  
I hearing you correctly? Ha!  
I coming to this country  
For opportunities.  
Tried to work in  
Korean deli  
But I am Japanese.  
But with hard work  
I earn two Master's Degrees  
In social work!  
And now I a therapist!  
But I have no clients  
And I have an  
Unemployed fiancé'!  
And we have lots  
Of bills to pay!  
It suck to be me!  
It suck to be me!  
I say it  
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-  
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-  
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-  
Suck!  
It suck to be me!

Denmark/Princeton  
Excuse me?

America/Brian  
Hey there.

Denmark/Princeton  
Sorry to bother you, but I'm  
looking for a place to live.

Japan/Christmas eve  
Why you looking all  
the way out here?

Denmark/Princeton  
Well, I started at Avenue A,  
but so far everything is out  
of my price range. But this  
neighbourhood looks a lot cheaper!  
Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!

America/Brian  
You need to talk to  
the superintendent.  
Let me get him.

Denmark/Princeton  
Great, thanks!

America/Brian  
Yo, Gary!

Cuba/Gary  
I'm coming'! I'm coming'!

Denmark/Princeton  
Oh my God!  
It's Gary Coleman!

Cuba/Gary  
Yes I am!  
I'm Gary Coleman  
From TV's  
Diff'rent Strokes  
I made a lotta money  
That got stolen  
By my folks!  
Now I'm broke and  
I'm the butt  
Of everyone's jokes,  
But I'm here -  
The Superintendent!  
On Avenue Q -

ALL  
It sucks to be you.

Norway/Kate  
You win!

ALL  
It sucks to be you.

America/Brian  
I feel better now!

Cuba/Gary  
Try having people  
stopping you to ask you  
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"  
It gets old.

ALL  
It sucks to be you  
On Avenue Q  
(Sucks to be me)  
On Avenue Q  
(Sucks to be you)  
On Avenue Q  
(Sucks to be us)  
But not when  
We're together.  
We're together  
Here on Avenue Q!  
We live on Avenue Q!  
Our friends do too!  
'Til our dreams  
Come true,  
We live on Avenue Q!

Denmark/Princeton  
This is real life!

All  
We live on Avenue Q!

Prussia/Nicky  
You're gonna love it!

All:

We live on Avenue Q!

Cuba/Gary :

Here's your keys!

All:

Welcome to Avenue Q!

* * *

**If You Were Gay**

Germany/ROD: Ahhhh, an afternoon alone with my favourite book: "Broadway Musicals of the 1940's". No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?

Prussia/NICKY: Oh, hi Rod!

Germany/ROD: Hi, Nicky.

Prussia/NICKY: Uh, hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smilin' at me, and talkin' to me...

Germany/ROD: mmm, that's very interesting.

Prussia/NICKY: ...mmmhmm, he was being real friendly. And, I think he was coming on to me. I think he might have thought I was gay.

Germany/ROD: Ahem...So, uh, why you tellin' me this? Why should I care? I don't care? What did you have for lunch today?

Prussia/NICKY: Well, you don't have to get all defensive, Rod...

Germany/ROD: I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE! Why do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I am trying to read.

Prussia/NICKY: Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.

Germany/ROD: Well, I do not want to talk about it, Nicky. This conversation is over.

Prussia/NICKY: Yeah, but Rod...

Germany/ROD: OVER!

Prussia/NICKY: Well, okay. But just so you know...

If you were gay  
that'd be okay  
I mean 'cause hey  
I'd like you anyway

Germany/ROD: Argh.

Prussia/NICKY:  
Because you see  
if it were me  
I would feel free to say  
That I was gay  
...but I'm not gay.

Germany/ROD: Nicky, please, I am trying to read...What?!

Prussia/NICKY:  
If you were queer

Germany/ROD:  
Oh, Nicky.

Prussia/NICKY:  
I'd still be here

Germany/ROD:  
Nicky, I am trying to read this book.

Prussia/NICKY:  
Year after year

Germany/ROD:  
Nicky!

Prussia/NICKY:  
Because you're dear to me

Germany/ROD:  
Argh!

Prussia/NICKY:  
And I know that you

Germany/ROD:  
What?

Prussia/NICKY:  
Would accept me, too

Germany/ROD:  
I would?

Prussia/NICKY:  
If I told you today,  
"Hey, guess what, I'm gay".  
...but I'm not gay.

I'm happy just being with you

Germany/ROD:  
High Button Shoes, Pay Joey...

Prussia/NICKY:  
So what should it matter to me  
What you do in bed with guys?

Germany/ROD:  
Nicky, that is gross!

Prussia/NICKY:  
No, it's not  
If you were gay

Germany/ROD:  
Argh.

Prussia/NICKY:  
I'd shout horray!

Germany/ROD:  
I am not listening.

Prussia/NICKY:  
And here I'd stay

Germany/ROD:  
LA LA LA LA LA!

Prussia/NICKY:  
But I wouldn't get in your way

Germany/ROD:  
AAAAH!

Prussia/NICKY:  
You can count on me  
To always be  
Beside you everyday  
To tell you it's okay  
You we're just born that way  
And as they, it's in your DNA  
You're gay.

Germany/ROD:  
I AM NOT GAY!

Prussia/NICKY:  
If you were gay.

Germany/ROD:  
ARGH!

* * *

**Purpose**

Denmark/Princeton:  
Purpose.  
It's that little flame  
That lights a fire  
Under your ass.  
Ha!  
Purpose.  
It keeps you going strong  
Like a car with a full  
Tank of gas.

Everyone else has a purpose,  
So what's mine?

Oh look.  
Here's a penny.  
It's from the year I was born.

It's a sign!

Ha! Ba ba ba ba doo doo doo doo doo.

I don't know how I know,  
But I'm gonna find my purpose.  
I don't know where I'm gonna look,  
But I'm gonna find my purpose.

Gotta find out.  
Don't wanna wait.  
Got to make sure that my life will be great.  
Gotta find my purpose.  
Before it's too late.

Ensemble:  
He's gonna find his purpose.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Whoa ooh oh.

Denmark/Princeton and Ensemble:  
I'm [He's] gonna find my [his] purpose.

Ensemble:  
He's gonna find his purpose.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Yeaaah yeah yea.

Denmark/Princeton and Ensemble:  
I'm [He's] gonna find my [his] purpose.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Could be far.  
Could be near.  
Could take a week  
A month  
A year  
At a job.  
Or smoking grass.  
Ha!  
Maybe at a pottery class.  
Could it be?  
Yes it could.  
Something's coming.  
Something good.

I'm gonna find my purpose.  
Yeah.

Ensemble: You're gonna find your purpose.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Whoa ooh oh.  
I'm gonna find it!

What will it be? Where will it be?  
My purpose in life is a mystery.  
Gotta find my purpose.  
Gotta find me.

Ensemble:  
You're gonna find your purpose.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Whoa ooh oh.  
I'm gonna find my purpose.

Ensemble:  
Your're gonna find your purpose.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Pur- pur- purpose  
Yeah yeah.  
I gotta find me!

* * *

**Everyone's a little bit Racist**

(Warning: May be considered offensive)

Denmark/Princeton:  
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Sure!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Uh huh.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Right.

Denmark/Princeton:  
You're both Monsters.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Yeah.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Are you two related?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
What?! Princeton, I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Well, it's a touchy subject.  
No, not all Monsters are related.  
What are you trying say, huh?  
That we all look the same to you?  
Huh, huh, huh?

Denmark/Princeton:  
No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry,  
I guess that was a little racist.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
I should say so. You should be much more  
careful when you're talking about the  
sensitive subject of race.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, look who's talking!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
What do you mean?

Denmark/Princeton:  
What about that special Monster School you told me about?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
What about it?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Could someone like me go there?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
No, we don't want people like you-

Denmark/Princeton:  
You see?!

You're a little bit racist.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Well, you're a little bit too.

Denmark/Princeton:  
I guess we're both a little bit racist.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...

Denmark/Princeton:  
But I guess it's true.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Between me and you,  
I think

Both:  
Everyone's a little bit racist  
Sometimes.  
Doesn't mean we go  
Around committing hate crimes.  
Look around and you will find  
No one's really colour blind.  
Maybe it's a fact  
We all should face  
Everyone makes judgments  
Based on race.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Now not big judgments, like who to hire  
or who to buy a newspaper from -

Norway/Kate Monster:  
No!

Denmark/Princeton:  
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican  
busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Right!

Both:  
Everyone's a little bit racist  
Today.  
So, everyone's a little bit racist  
Okay!  
Ethnic jokes might be uncouth,  
But you laugh because  
They're based on truth.  
Don't take them as  
Personal attacks.  
Everyone enjoys them -  
So relax!

Denmark/Princeton:  
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Okay!

Denmark/Princeton:  
There's a plan going down and there's only  
one parachute. And there's a rabbi, a priest...

Norway/Kate Monster:  
And a black guy!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kate?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Uh...

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You were telling a black joke!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
I don't.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, of course you don't - you're black!  
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Now, don't you think that's a little racist?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Well, damn, I guess you're right.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
You're a little bit racist.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Well, you're a little bit too.

Denmark/Princeton:  
We're all a little bit racist.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
I think that I would  
Have to agree with you.

Denmark and Norway/Princeton/Kate Monster:  
We're glad you do.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
It's sad but true!  
Everyone's a little bit racist -

All right!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
All right!

Denmark/Princeton:  
All right!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
All right!  
Bigotry has never been  
Exclusively white

All:  
If we all could just admit  
That we are racist a little bit,  
Even though we all know  
That it's wrong,  
Maybe it would help us  
Get along.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, Christ do me feel good.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Who?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Jesus Christ.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
But, Gary, Jesus was white.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
No, Jesus was black.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
No, Jesus was white.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
No, I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black-

Denmark/Princeton:  
Guys, guys...Jesus was Jewish!

America/Brian:  
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Racism!

America/Brian:  
Cool.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
BRIAN! Come back here!  
You take out lecycuraburs!

Denmark/Princeton:  
What's that mean?

America/Brian:  
Um, recyclables.  
Hey, don't laugh at her!  
How many languages do you speak?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Oh, come off it, Brian!  
Everyone's a little bit racist.

America/Brian:  
I'm not!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh no?

America/Brian:  
Nope!

How many Oriental wives  
Have you got?

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
What? Brian!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Brian, buddy, where you been?  
The term is Asian-American!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
I know you are no  
Intending to be  
But calling me Oriental -  
Offensive to me!

America/Brian:  
I'm sorry, honey, I love you.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
And I love you.

America/Brian:  
But you're racist, too.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Yes, I know.  
The Jews have all  
The money  
And the whites have all  
The power.  
And I'm always in taxi-cab  
With driver who no shower!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Me too!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Me too!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
I can't even get a taxi!

All:  
Everyone's a little bit racist  
It's true.  
But everyone is just about  
As racist as you!  
If we all could just admit  
That we are racist a little bit,  
And everyone stopped being  
So PC  
Maybe we could live in -  
Harmony!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Evlyone's a rittle bit lacist!

* * *

**The Internet is for Porn**

(Warning: May be considered offensive)

Norway/Kate:  
The internet is really really great

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
For porn

Norway/Kate:  
I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait

Korea/Trekkie:  
For porn

Norway/Kate:  
Huh?  
There's always some new site,

Korea/Trekkie:  
For porn!

Norway/Kate:  
I browse all day and night

Korea/Trekkie:  
For porn!

Norway/Kate:  
It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light

Korea/Trekkie:  
For porn!

Norway/Kate:  
Trekkie!

Korea/Trekkie:  
The internet is for porn

Norway/Kate:  
Trekkie!

Korea/Trekkie:  
The internet is for porn,

Norway/Kate:  
What are you doing!?

Korea/Trekkie:  
Why you think the net was born?  
Porn porn porn

Norway/Kate:  
Treee—kkie!

Korea/Trekkie:  
Oh hello Kate Monster

Norway/Kate:  
You are ruining my song

Korea/Trekkie:  
Oh me sorry, me no mean to

Norway/Kate:  
Well if you wouldn't mind please being quiet for a minute so I can finish?

Korea/Trekkie:  
Me no talkie

Norway/Kate:  
Good!

I'm glad we have this new technology

Korea/Trekkie:  
For porn

Norway/Kate:  
Which gives us untold opportunity

Korea/Trekkie:  
For por—oops, sorry

Norway/Kate:  
Right from you own desktop

Korea/Trekkie:  
For -

Norway/Kate:  
You can research browse and shop  
Until you've had enough and your ready to stop

Korea/Trekkie:  
For porn!

Norway/Kate:  
Trekkie!

Korea/Trekkie:  
The internet is for porn!

Norway/Kate:  
Noooo

Korea/Trekkie:  
The internet is for porn!

Norway/Kate:  
Trekkie!

Korea/Trekkie:  
Me up all night hugging me horn to porn, porn, porn!

Norway/Kate:  
That's gross you're a pervert

Korea/Trekkie:  
Ah, sticks and stones Kate Monster

Norway/Kate:  
No really, you're a pervert  
Normal people don't sit at home and look  
At porn on the internet

Korea/Trekkie:  
Ohhhh?

Norway/Kate:  
What?!

Korea/Trekkie:  
You have no idea  
Ready normal people?

Normal people:  
Ready- ready -ready

Korea/Trekkie:  
Let me hear it!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
The internet is for porn!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Sorry Kate

Korea and guys/ Trekkie and guys:  
The internet is for porn!

Denmark/Princeton:  
I masturbate!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
All these guys unzip their flies  
For porn, porn, porn!

Norway/Kate:  
The internet is not for porn!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
Porn!, porn, p-

Norway/Kate:  
Hold on a second!

Now I know for a fact that you, Rob, check your portfolio and trade stocks online

Germany/Rob:  
That's correct.

Norway/Kate:  
And Brian, you buy things on

America/Brian:  
Sure!

Norway/Kate:  
And Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay

Cuba/Gary:  
Yes I do!

Norway/Kate:  
And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.

Denmark/Princeton:  
True!

Korea/Trekkie:  
Oh, but Kate-  
What you think he do . . .after? hmm?

Denmark/Princeton:  
. ..yeah

Norway/Kate:  
Eeewwwww!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
The internet is for porn!

Norway/Kate:  
Gross!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
The internet is for porn!

Norway/Kate:  
I hate porn

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
Grab your dick and double click

Norway/Kate:  
I hate men!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
For porn, porn, porn!  
(harmonizing) porn, porn, porn, porn

Norway/Kate:  
I'm leaving!

Korea and guys/Trekkie and guys:  
Porn, porn, porn, porn  
Porn, porn, porn, porn

Norway/Kate:  
I hate the internet!  
Trekkie and guys  
Porn, porn, porn, porn

Korea/Trekkie:  
The internet is for

Korea and some/Trekkie and some:  
The internet is for

Korea and guys/Trekkie and all:  
The internet is for porn!

Korea/Trekkie:  
Yeah!

* * *

**Mix Tape**

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Princeton.

He likes me.  
I think he likes me.  
Does does he 'like me' like me,  
Like I like him?  
Will we be friends,  
Or something more?  
I think he's interested,  
But I'm not sure.

Come in!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Hiya, Kate!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Princeton! Hi!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs  
yesterday, and I kept coming across songs  
I thouht you'd like, so I made you this tape.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Oh, that's so sweet!  
Can I get you a drink? Or a snack?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Go right ahead.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, thank you!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
A mix tape.  
He made a mix tape.  
He was thinking of me,  
Which shows he cares!  
Sometimes when someone  
Has a crush on you  
They'll make you a mix tape  
To give you a clue.  
Let's see...  
"You've Got A Friend"  
"The Theme From 'Friends'"  
"That's What Friends Are For"

Shit!  
Oh, but look!

"A Whole New World"  
"Kiss The Girl"  
"My Cherie Amour"

Oh, Princeton! He does like me!

"I Am The Walrus"  
"Fat Bottomed Girls"  
"Yellow Submarine"  
What does this mean?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Hey Kate, you might wanna not go in there for a while.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Princeton, thank you for this tape.  
I was just looking at side A. Great songs!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, well, did you get to side B yet?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
No, not yet.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, it's great! Check it out.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Yeah?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Right here...

Norway/Kate Monster:  
"Stuck On You"

Denmark/Princeton:  
"Love Me Do"

Norway/Kate Monster:  
"My Heart Will Go On"

I loved "Titanic"!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Uhh, it was all right.

"She's Got A Way"

Norway/Kate Monster:  
"Yesterday"

Denmark/Princeton:  
"Goodnight Saigon!"

From the Russia concert!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Oh. Great.

"Through The Years"

Denmark/Princeton:  
"The Theme From 'Cheers'"

Norway/Kate Monster:  
"Moving Right Along"

Nice tape.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, there's one more...

"I Have To Say I Love You In A Song"

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Princeton, that's so sweet!  
I've never gotten such a nice present from a guy.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Awww. Well, I'm glad you like it.  
But, I have to go now. I'm gonna make one  
for Brian and Christmas Eve and Gary and  
Nicky and Rod and Trekkie Monster and everyone!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Oh.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, and, uh -

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Yes?

Denmark/Princeton:  
What are you doing tonight?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Grading term papers. But it's kindergarten,  
so they're very short. Why?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Everyone's going to hear this singer at the  
Around The Clock Cafe. Do you want to go with me?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Like, a date?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Sure! A date. It'll be a blast.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
I'd love to come!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Okay! Well, I'll see you then.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Okay!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Okay, bye.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Bye!  
He likes me!

* * *

**I'm not Wearing Underwear Today**

America/Brian:  
I'm not wearing underwear today,  
No I'm not wearing underwear today  
Not that you probably care  
Much about my underwear  
Still none the less I gotta say  
That I'm not wearing underwear today

Japan/Christmas Eve: Get a job!

America/Brian: Thank you..honey.

* * *

**Special**

France/LUCY:  
I can make you feel  
special.  
When it sucks to be you.  
Let me make you feel  
special.  
For an hour or two.

Your life's a routine  
that repeats each day.  
No one cares who you are  
or what you say.  
And sometimes you feel  
like you're nobody,  
but you can feel like  
somebody with me.

Denmark/PRINCETON  
Wow!

France/LUCY  
Yeah, they're real.

When we're together  
the earth will shake  
and the stars will fall  
into the sea.  
So come on, baby,  
let down your guard.  
When your date's in  
the bathroom,  
I'll slip you my card.  
I can tell just by looking  
that you've got it hard  
For me! For me!  
For me! For me!  
For me! For me!  
I can tell just by looking  
that you are especially  
hard for me!

* * *

**You Can be as Loud as the Hell You Want**

(Warning: Explicit puppet sex)

Veneciano/Bad Idea Bear #1:  
Take her home!

Romano/Bad Idea Bear #2:  
She's wasted!

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
Yaaay!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!  
That's the spot - that's the spot - okay, a little lower -  
okay, now to the left - no, my left - ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me like this  
before - you can't put your finger there -  
OOH! PUT YOUR FINGER THERE!

Both:  
Oh, yeah!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You can be as loud as  
The hell you want  
When you're making love

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
When you're making love!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You can be as loud as  
The hell you want  
When you're making love!

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
When you're making love!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You can be as loud as  
The hell you want  
When you're making love!

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
When you're making love!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You can be as loud as  
The hell you want...

Norway and Denmark/Kate Monster/Princeton:  
Ahhhhhhh!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Gary Coleman! You hear what?  
Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Are we being too loud?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Yeah are we bothering someone?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Oh, no, not at all, kids!  
You keep doing what you're doing.

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
Yeah! Louder!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You're not allowed to be loud  
At the library  
At the art museum  
Or at a play  
But when you and your partner  
Are doing the nasty  
Don't behave like you're  
At the ballet!  
Cause you can be as loud as  
The hell you want  
When you're making love

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
Making sweet, sweet love

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
You can be as loud as  
The hell you want  
When you're making love

Italy/Bad Idea Bears:  
Loud as the hell!  
Loud as the hell you want!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Don't let the neighbours  
Stop you from havin' fun,  
They'll have peace and quiet  
When you're good and done.

All:  
Be as loud as  
The hell you want  
When you're making love!  
Loud as the hell you want...

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Faster, Princeton!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Brian, slow down! This not a race!

All:  
Loud as the hell you want...

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh, yeah!

America/Brian:  
Who's your daddy?

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
What? Brian!

All:  
Loud as the hell you want...  
Loud as the hell you want...

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Smack it and lick it and rub it and suck it!

All:  
Loud as the hell you want...

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Yes! Work your mama!

All:  
Loud as the hell you-

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Oh yeah, that's it!

America/Brian  
Ooh, babe!

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

All:  
Loud as the hell you-  
Loud as the hell you-  
Loud as the hell you-  
Loud as the hell you-  
Loud as the hell you-  
Loud as the hell you-  
Loud as the hell you-  
Want!

* * *

**Fantasies Come True**

Germany/Rod:  
It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake?

Prussia/Nicky:  
Is that a unicorn?

Germany/Rod:  
Uh. He's talking in his sleep again

Prussia/Nicky:  
No I'll wear the purple shoes and who painted the kitten?

Germany/Rod:  
Maybe I should just shake him.

Prussia/Nicky:  
I love you Rod.

Germany/Rod:  
What did you say?

Prussia/Nicky:  
I love your little laugh.

Germany/Rod:  
Nicky, are you awake?

Prussia/Nicky:  
Take off your shirt.

Germany/Rod:  
Oh, Nicholas. Have you been shy all this time?  
Have we been hiding from each other?  
I wonder,  
All those nights I lay in bed  
Thoughts of you running through my head.

Prussia/Nicky:  
I know put my earmuffs on the cookie.

Germany/Rod:  
But I never thought the things in my head  
Could really happen in my bed.

Prussia/Nicky:  
You look like David Hasselhoff.

Germany/Rod:  
All those years I missed the signs,  
Couldn't read between the lines.  
Who'd have thought I would see the day  
Where I'd hear you say  
What I heard you say  
And now I find  
What was always in my mind  
Was in your mind too  
Who knew  
Fantasies come true  
And now I see  
That what I'd always dreamed of  
Was meant to be  
You and me  
Me and you  
Fantasies come true

(musical interlude)

Germany/Rod:  
You and me lived in fantasy  
But soon will be a reality.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Kate, that was amazing.

Norway/Kate:  
Your amazing.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Heh, I want you to have this.  
It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck.  
It's from the year I was born, see.  
Who knows, maybe it'll bring you good luck.  
It did for me, I found you.  
I want you to know  
The time that we've spent  
How great it's been  
How much it's meant.

Norway/Kate:  
Gosh, I don't know what to say.  
I'm really glad you feel that way,  
Cuz I'm afraid that I like you more  
Than I've ever liked any guy before.

Denmark/Rod:  
Cause now

Norway/Kate:  
Cause now

Germany/Rod:  
My love

Norway/Kate:  
My love

Norway and Denmark/Kate and Rod:  
I'm getting what I've always been dreaming of

Germany/Rod:  
So are you

Norway/Kate:  
Ooh baby

Norway and Germany/Kate and Rod:  
Fantasies come true

Norway/Kate:  
And now

Germany/Rod:  
And now

Norway/Kate:  
I swear

Germany/Rod:  
I swear that

Norway and Germany/Kate and Rod:  
When you want me I'm gonna be right there

Germany/Rod:  
To care

Norway/Kate:  
To care

Norway and Germany/Kate and Rod:  
For you.

Norway/Kate:  
That's what I'm gonna do

Germany/Rod:  
Make your fantasies

Norway/Kate:  
Fantasies

Norway and Germany/Kate and Rod:  
Come true

Germany/Rod:  
Fantasies come true

Prussia/Nicky:  
Uh hey, Rod, buddy, hey you're talking in your sleep

Germany/Rod:  
I thought you were talking in your sleep.

Prussia/Nicky:  
No, I'm just coming to bed,  
You're dreamin' is all

Germany/Rod:  
Oh!

Prussia/Nicky:  
Sounded like a nice dream though.

Germany/Rod:  
Yes, it was a nice dream.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Goodnight!

Germany/Rod:  
Goodnight, Nicky.

* * *

**My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada**

(Warning: Contains mild sexual innuendo)

Germnay/ROD:  
Ohhhh...  
I wish you could meet my girlfriend, my girlfriend who lives in Canada.  
She couldn't be sweeter  
I wish you could meet her,  
My girlfriend who lives in Canada!

Her name is Alberta  
She live in Vancouver  
She cooks like my mother  
And sucks like a Hoover.

I e-mail her every single day  
Just to make sure that everything's okay.  
It's a pity she lives so far away, in Canada!

Last week she was here, but she had the flu.  
Too bad  
'Cause I wanted to introduce her to you  
It's so sad  
There wasn't a thing that she could do  
But stay in bed with her legs up over her head!  
Oh!

I wish you could meet my girlfriend,  
But you can't because she is in Canada.  
I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her,  
So soon I'll be off to Alberta!  
I mean Vancouver!  
Shit! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancou-

She's my girlfriend!  
My wonderful girlfriend!  
Yes I have a girlfriend, who lives in Canada!

And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!

* * *

**There's A Fine, Fine Line**

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
There's a fine, fine line  
between a lover, and a friend.  
There's a fine, fine line  
between reality, and pretend;  
And you never know 'til you reach the top  
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line  
between love,  
and a waste of time

There's a fine, fine line  
between a fairy tale, and a lie.  
And there's a fine, fine line  
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".  
I guess if someone doesn't love you back  
it isn't such a crime

But there's a fine, fine line  
between love,  
and a waste of your time

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.  
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.  
For my own sanity I've got to close the door  
And walk away...  
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line  
between together,  
and not.  
And there's a fine, fine line  
between what you wanted,  
and what you got.  
You gotta go after the things you want  
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line  
between love,  
and a waste of time.

* * *

**There's Life Outside Your Apartment **

America/Brian:  
Princeton!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Yeah.

America/Brian:  
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks.  
What's up with that?

Denmark/Princeton:  
I went to work for a temp agency, and they  
fired me for being too depressing on the phone.  
I maxed out my cards, I'm two months behind  
in rent, I totally messed up my personal life.  
Oh, and Brian - I still haven't found my purpose!

America/Brian:  
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying!  
Everyone's getting together to mess around the city today.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Have fun!

America/Brian:  
When I say everyone, that includes you!

There is life outside your apartment.  
I know it's hard to conceive.  
But there's life outside your apartment.  
And you're only gonna see it if you leave.

There is cool shit to do,  
But it can't come to you,  
And who knows, dude  
You might even score!

There is life outside your apartment.  
But you gotta open the door!

Denmark/Princeton:  
No, thanks, I'm staying in!

America/Brian:  
Don't tell me I gotta force you.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Sorry!

America/Brian:  
All right, everyone! He's resisting!

All but Denmark/All but Princeton:  
There is life outside...  
There is life outside...  
There is life outside...  
There is life outside your apartment!  
There's a pigeon  
Squashed on the street.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Ew.

America/Brian:  
There's a girl passing by

Prussia/Nicky:  
No I think it's a guy

All but Denmark/All but Princeton:  
And a homeless man  
Who only wants to  
Buy something to eat!

Sorry, can't help you.

We could go to the zoo!

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
Pick up girls at NYU!

America/Brian:  
We could sit in the park smoking pot!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Or not.

All but Denmark/All but Princeton:  
There is life outside your apartment.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot.

All:  
There is life outside your apartment.  
I know -  
There is life outside your apartment.

Canada/Voice #1:  
I'm gonna jump!

All:  
Don't do it!

Canada/Voice #1:  
Okay.

All:  
There is cool shit to do  
But it can't come to you  
So come on -

Iceland/Voice #2:  
Get out of the way asshole!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Fuck you!

All:  
There is life outside your apartment.  
Oh, you never know  
What's around the bend.  
You could win the lotto  
Or make a friend...

Guys:  
Take her home to see your apartment!

France/Lucy:  
Do you wanna feel special?  
I can see that you do.  
Well, I can make you feel  
Special.  
If you let me feel you.

Guys:  
She'll feel you!

France/Lucy:  
Where's your pad?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Not too far.

Guys:  
We could call you a car.

Denmark/Princeton:  
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

All:  
There is life outside your apartment.

Denmark and France/Princeton/Lucy:  
But now it's time to go home.

All:  
There is life outside your apartment.

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
Me going home now.

Denmark and France/Princeton/Lucy:  
It's time to go home!

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
That's where me gonna go!

France/Lucy:  
I can make you feel special

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
That's where me gonna go!

All:  
There is life outside your apartment.

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
Me going home now,  
That's where me gonna go!

Denmark and France/Princeton/Lucy:  
But now it's time to go home

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
For porn!

* * *

**The More You Ruv Someone**

Norway/KATE:  
Why can't people get along and love each other Christmas Eve?

Japan/CHRISTMAS EVE:  
Ha! You tink gedding arong same as ruvving?  
Sometimes ruv - right where you hating most Kate Monster

Norway/KATE  
Huh?

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
The more you ruv someone  
The more you want to kir dem  
The more you ruv someone  
The more he make you cly  
Though you at cly for making peace wid dem and ruvving  
That's why you ruv so strong you rite to make him die  
The more you ruv someone  
The more he make you cwazy  
The more you ruv someone  
The more you wishing him dead  
Sometime you rook at him  
And only see fat and razy  
And wanting baseball bat for hitting him on his head  
Ruv

Norway/KATE  
Love

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
And hate

Norway/KATE  
And hate

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
Dey like two brudders

Norway/KATE  
Brothers

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
Who go on a date

Norway/KATE  
Who ... what?

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
Where one of dem goes odder one foddows  
You inviting ruv  
He also bringing sorrow

Norway/KATE  
Ah, yes

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
The more you ruv someone  
The more you want to kir dem

Norway/KATE  
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
Ruvving and kiring fit like hand in glove

Norway/KATE  
Hand in gloves

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
So, if a someone you are wanting so to kir dem  
You go and find him  
And you get him  
And you no kir dem  
Cos chances go ...

{together}

Japan/CHRISTMAS  
He is your ruv

Norway/KATE  
He is my love

* * *

**Schadenfreude **

Cuba/Gary:  
Right now you are down and out  
And feelin' really crappy.

Prussia/Nicky:  
I'll say.

Cuba/Gary:  
And when I see how sad you are,  
It sorta makes me happy.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Happy?

Cuba/Gary:  
Sorry Nicky.  
Human nature-  
Nothing I can do.  
It's Schadenfreude  
Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Now that's not very nice Gary.

Cuba/Gary:  
I didn't say it was nice,  
But everybody does it.  
'Dya ever clap when a waitress falls  
And drops a tray of glasses?

Prussia/Nicky:  
Yea.

Cuba/Gary:  
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters  
Fallin' on their asses?

Prussia/Nicky:  
Sure.

Cuba/Gary:  
Don't you feel all warm and cozy  
Watching people out in the rain?

Nicky:  
You bet.

Cuba/Gary:  
That's

Both:  
Schadenfreude.

Cuba/Gary:  
People taking pleasure in your pain.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Oh. Schadenfreude, huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?

Cuba/Gary:  
Yup. It's German for 'happiness at the misfortune of others'.

Prussia/Nicky:  
'Happiness at the misfortune of others'  
That is German!  
Watching a vegetarian  
Being told she just ate chicken.

Cuba/Gary:  
Or watching a frat boy  
Realize just what he put his dick in.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Being on an elevator when somebody  
Shouts 'Hold the door!'

Cuba/Gary:  
Oh yea!

Both:  
No!  
Schadenfreude…

Cuba/Gary:  
Fuck you lady!  
That's what stairs are for!

Prussia/Nicky:  
Ooh- How about:  
Straight A student's getting B's…

Cuba/Gary:  
Exes getting STDs…

Prussia/Nicky:  
Waking doormen from their naps…

Cuba/Gary:  
Watching tourists reading maps…

Prussia/Nicky:  
Football players getting tackled…

Cuba/Gary:  
CEOs getting shackled…

Prussia/Nicky:  
Watching actors never reach…

Both:  
The ending of their Oscar speech!  
Schadenfreude!  
Schadenfreude!  
Schadenfreude!  
Schadenfreude!

Cuba/Gary:  
The world needs people like you and me  
Who've been knocked around by fate  
'Cause when people see us  
They don't want to be us  
And that makes them feel great

Prussia/Nicky:  
Sure.  
We provide a vital service to society.

Both:  
You and me!  
Schadenfreude  
Making the world a better place  
Making the world a better place  
Making the world a better place to be!

Cuba/Gary:  
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!

* * *

**I Wish I Could Go Back To College**

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
I wish I could go back to college.  
Life was so simple back then.

Prussia/NICKY:  
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
I wish I could go back to college.  
In college you know who you are.  
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!  
I am totally gonna go far!"

ALL:  
How do I go back to college?  
I don't know who I am anymore!

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!  
Ohhh...  
I wish I could just drop a class...

Prussia/NICKY:  
Or get into a play...

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
Or change my major...

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
Or fuck my T.A.

ALL:  
I need an academic advisor to point the way!  
We could be...  
Sitting in the computer lab,  
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,  
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,  
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
I wish I could go back to college!

ALL:  
How do I go back to college?!  
AHHHH...

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
I wish I had taken more pictures.

Prussia/NICKY:  
But if I were to go back to college,  
Think what a loser I'd be-  
I'd walk through the quad,  
And think "Oh my God..."

ALL:  
"These kids are so much younger than me."

* * *

**The Money Song**

Prussia/Nicky:  
Help the homeless!  
Help the homeless!  
Ooh! Hey Princeton!

Give me a quarter!  
Here in my hat!  
Come on, Princeton!  
It's as easy as that!  
Helping others brings you  
Closer to God.  
So give me a quarter...

Denmark/Princeton:  
I don't have any change.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Hmmm...okay.

Give me a dollar.

Denmark/Princeton:  
That's not what I meant.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Give me a five.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Are you kidding?

Prussia/Nicky:  
The more you give.  
The more you get.  
That's being alive!  
All I'm asking you  
Is to do what  
Jesus Christ would do.  
He'd give me a quarter,  
Why don't you?

Denmark/Princeton:  
All right, all right, here you go.

Prussia/Nicky:  
Ahh, thanks!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Take care.  
Whoa!

Prussia/Nicky:  
What's the matter?

Denmark/Princeton:  
I feel generous!  
I feel compassionate!

Prussia/Nicky:  
You do?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Yeah! I feel like a new person - a good person!  
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

Prussia/Nicky:  
That's what I've been trying to tell you-

Denmark/Princeton:  
All this time I've been running around thinking  
about me, me, me - and where has it gotten me!  
I'm gonna do something for someone else!

Prussia/Nicky:  
Me?

Denmark/Princeton:  
No - Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that  
stupid Monster School she's always talking about!

Give me your money!

Prussia/Nicky:  
What?

Denmark/Princeton:  
I need it for Kate!

Prussia/Nicky:  
I need it to eat!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Come on, Nicky!

Prussia/Nicky:  
Aww, get lost!

Denmark/Princeton:  
It'll make you feel great!

Prussia/Nicky:  
So would a burger!

Denmark/Princeton:  
When her dream comes true,  
It'll all be partly  
Thanks to you  
So give me your money!

Prussia/Nicky:  
I'd like to, but I can't.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Give me your money!

Prussia/Nicky:  
I'd like to, but I need it!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Give me your money!

Prussia/Nicky:  
I'd like to, but I'm homeless!  
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!  
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!  
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!  
Okay, here you go.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Thank you!

Prussia/Nicky:  
Suddenly,  
I am feeling  
Closer to God.  
It's time to stop begging  
It's time to start giving!  
What can I give to Rod?

Something he'll like so much he'll take me back.  
Ooh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!

Denmark/Princeton:  
That's the spirit!

Both:  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Hey boys, what's the hat for?

Prussia/Nicky:  
Ooh, we're collecting money!

Denmark/Princeton:  
It's for Kate! We're raising money to help build her dream school!

Give us your money!

Prussia/Nicky:  
You'll be glad that you did!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
That's just what my parents told me  
When I was a kid.

Shit.

Prussia/Nicky:  
But giving feels so great...

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
And I bet it wouldn't hurt  
Your chances with Kate.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, that too.

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
I'll give you a dollar.

Denmark/Princeton:  
You're a gentleman  
And a scholar.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!

America/Brian:  
Honey, don't tell THEM that!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
We get about 2,000 bucks!

America/Brian:  
Uh, yeah, so - thanks, everybody!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
We rich!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Give us your money!

Prussia/Nicky:  
Give us your money!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Give us your goddamn money!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Give us the dough!

Prussia and Cuba/Nicky/Gary Coleman  
Give us the dough!

Denmark, Prussia and Cuba/ Princeton/Nicky/Gary Coleman  
We're raising money  
For a Monster School  
But we've got a ways to go.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Sounds like you've  
Got money to burn

Prussia/Nicky:  
And it's not like money  
That you had to earn.

Denmark, Prussia and Cuba/Princeton/Nicky/Gary Coleman:  
So give us your money -

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
A monster school?

America/Brian:  
Sounds like a good cause.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Give me your wallet.

Denmark/Princeton:  
Oh my gosh! I don't know how to thank you guys.  
I mean, Kate will be so grateful!  
That kind of money is such a great start...

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Yeah, $15.

Denmark/Princeton:  
$15?

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Every little bit help. **(OMG HUGE NEON TESCO LOLS)**

Prussia/Nicky:  
Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!

All:  
Hey!  
Give us your money!  
All that you've got!  
Just fork it on over...

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Or some Europeans  
Will get shot!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Hey!

All:  
It's time to pass the hat

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
And there's nothing you can do 'bout that

All:  
So give us your money!  
Give us your money!  
Give us your money!  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!  
Every time you  
Do good deeds  
You're also serving  
Your own needs.  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!  
When you give  
To a worthy cause  
You'll feel as jolly  
As Santa Claus.  
When you help others,  
You can't  
Help  
Helping yourself!

**School For Monsters**

* * *

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
How much do we get?

Denmark/Princeton:  
Boy, it's not very much at all, is it?

America/Brian:  
Never say never, Princeton, there's still  
One more person we have to hit up!

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
NO! NO! NO! Go away. Me busy.

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
But it for good cause.

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
What in it for me? Go away!

Denmark/Princeton:  
I guess Kate'll never get her school for Monsters.

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
What you say?

America/Brian:  
Kate wants to open a school for Monsters.

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
School for Monsters?  
Me never hear of that.

School for Monsters!  
School for lonely little monsters!  
When me little,  
Going to school,  
Other children  
Think me not cool,  
Poking and pulling  
At me fur...  
Now me have therapist,  
And work on this with her.  
But me no need me therapy  
If Monster School a reality!

Here!  
Me give you $10,000,000!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Trekkie! where did you get all that money?

Korea/Trekkie Monster:  
In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!

All:  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!  
When you help others,  
You can't help helping yourself!  
Every time you  
Do good deeds  
You're also serving  
Your own needs.  
When you help others,  
You can't  
Help  
Helping yourself!

* * *

**There's A Fine, Fine Line Reprise**

Norway/Kate Monster:  
The Monsterssori School...I don?t even know where to start!

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
Do you know who get idea and collect  
All the money and buy building for you?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Was it you?

Japan/Christmas Eve:  
No. It Princeton.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Princeton? For me?

Denmark/Princeton:  
You said you couldn?t make your dreams come  
True by yourself, so I shot for the stars.

You've gotta go after the things you want  
While you're still in your prime.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
There's a fine, fine line  
Between love...

Thank you Princeton.

Denmark/Princeton:  
So will you take me back, Kate?

Norway/Kate Monster:  
I'll be so busy now, with all of the contractors  
And inspections and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks...

Denmark/Princeton:  
Well, I could help you.

Norway/Kate Monster:  
Can we take it one day at a time?

Finland/Newcomer:  
What do you do  
With a B.A. in English?

Oh, look! A "for rent" sign!  
Oh, my God! You're Gary Coleman!

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Yes, I am!

Finland/Newcomer:  
Say, can you tell me where to find the super?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
I am the super.

Finland/Newcomer:  
Well, listen - I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent?

Cuba/Gary Coleman:  
Oh, sure!

Denmark/Princeton:  
Wait a minute!  
Wait a minute, that's it!

Norway/Kate Monster:  
What?

Denmark/Princeton:  
My PURPOSE!  
Look at this kid, here, all fresh faced and new  
and not knowing anything! He has no idea  
what he's in for! He thinks the hard part's over,  
but it's not! And maybe he needs a little help! Maybe  
my purpose is to take everything I'm learning  
and put it - put it into a MUSICAL!

America/Brian:  
Are you high?

Finland/Newcomer:  
And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything.  
Fuck you!

* * *

**For Now**

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
Why does everything have to be so hard?

Cuba/GARY COLEMAN:  
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

Japan/CHRISTMAS EVE:  
Lots of people don't.

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
Well, who does, really?  
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

America/BRIAN:  
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

Cuba/GARY COLEMAN:  
Take a breath,  
Look around,

America/BRIAN:  
Swallow your pride,

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
For now...

America, Norway, Cuba and Japan/BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:  
For now...

Prussia/NICKY:  
Nothing lasts,

Germany/ROD:  
Life goes on,

Prussia/NICKY:  
Full of surprises.

Germany/ROD:  
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

Japan/CHRISTMAS EVE:  
You're going to have to make a few compromises...  
For now...

Korea/TREKKIE MONSTER:  
For now...

ALL:  
But only for now! (For now)  
Only for now! (For now)  
Only for now! (For now)  
Only for now!

France/LUCY:  
For now we're healthy.

America/BRIAN:  
For now we're employed.

Italy/BAD IDEA BEARS:  
For now we're happy...

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
If not overjoyed.

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...

Cuba/GARY COLEMAN:  
For now...

Korea/TREKKIE MONSTER:  
For now...

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
For now...

ALL:  
But only for now! (For now)  
Only for now! (For now)  
Only for now! (For now)  
Only for now!

Only for now!  
(For now there's life!)  
Only for now!  
(For now there's love!)  
Only for now!  
(For now there's work!)  
For now there's happiness!  
But only for now!  
(For now discomfort!)  
Only for now!  
(For now there's friendship!)  
Only for now (For now!)  
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)  
Is only for now! (Your hair!)  
Is only for now! (George Bush!)  
Is only for now!

Don't stress,  
Relax,  
Let life roll off your backs  
Except for death and paying taxes,  
Everything in life is only for now!

Prussia/NICKY:  
Each time you smile...

ALL:  
...Only for now

Norway/KATE MONSTER:  
It'll only last a while.

ALL:  
...Only for now

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
Life may be scary...

ALL:  
...Only for now  
But it's only temporary

Ba-dum ba-dum  
Ba-dum ba-dum  
Ba dum ba-dum  
Ba-da da da da  
ba-da da-da da da-da  
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da  
ohhhh-

Denmark/PRINCETON:  
Everything in life is only for now.

* * *

**OMAKE for Tori Renee Carriedo Vargas **

**I Won't Say I'm In Love**

[Romano/Meg:]  
If there's a prize for rotten judgement  
I guess I've already won that  
No man is worth the aggravation  
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

[Axis/Muses:]  
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'  
He's the Earth and heaven to you  
Try to keep it hidden  
Honey, we can see right through you  
Girl, ya can't conceal it  
We know how ya feel and  
Who you're thinking of

[Romano/Meg:]  
No chance, no way  
I won't say it, no, no

[Axis/Muses:]  
You swoon, you sigh  
why deny it, uh-oh

[Romano/Meg:]  
It's too cliche  
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson  
It feels so good when you start out  
My head is screaming get a grip, girl  
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out  
Oh

[Axis/Muses:]  
You keep on denying  
Who you are and how you're feeling  
Baby, we're not buying  
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling  
Face it like a grown-up  
When ya gonna own up  
That ya got, got, got it bad

[Romano/Meg:]  
Whoa: No chance, now way  
I won't say it, no, no

[Axis/Muses:]  
Give up, give in  
Check the grin you're in love

[Romano/Meg:]  
This scene won't play,  
I won't say I'm in love

[Axis/Muses:]  
You're doin flips read our lips  
You're in love

[Romano/Meg:]  
You're way off base  
I won't say it  
Get off my case  
I won't say it

[Axis/Muses:]  
Girl, don't be proud  
It's O.K. you're in love

[Romano/Meg:]  
Oh  
At least out loud,  
I won't say I'm in love

* * *

**Review Replies**

**TRCV- Wow, no offence, but you seem _so _American. See above, but I won't do the whole show, since technically it's not a musical.**

**ATN- Thank You! For the musicals, it goes somewhat like this: DEFINITELY, NEVER, never heard of it, maybe.**

**Axel8r- Stop stalking me, creeper! (I know this guy, so don't worry)**

**Send me your casting queries! Next: Legally Blonde!**


	3. Legally Blonde

**_Legally Blonde_**

**Omigod you Guys**

Latvia/MARGOT:  
Dear Elle, He's a lucky guy.  
I'm like gonna cry, I got tears comin out of my nose!  
MAD PROPS! He's the campus catch,  
You're a perfect match,  
Because you both got such great taste in clothes,  
Of course he will propose!

Finland/SERENA:  
Dear Elle, honey mozel-top,  
future taking off bring that ring back and show it to me!

Estonia/PILAR:  
Four carets, a princess cut,  
Are you psyched or what?  
I just wish I could be there to see…

Latvia, Finland and Estonia/MARGOT, SERENA, & PILAR:  
When he gets down on one knee!

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod! Omigod you guys,  
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize.  
If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies.  
Omigod you guys!  
Omigod this is happening, our own homecoming Queen and King.  
Finally she'll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size,  
Omigod you guys!  
Omigod!

Estonia/PILAR:  
Okay, everybody signed.  
Good now fall in line and we'll start the engagement parade.

Finland/SERENA:  
Like candles in single file,  
Don't forget to smile.  
Lose the gum Kate, you look like the maid,  
Now prepare to serenade!  
Shhh!

DELTA NU'S:  
(whisper and slowly get louder)  
Omigod! Omigod you guys,  
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize.

Finland/SERENA:  
Shh!

DELTA NU'S:  
If there ever was a perfect couple this one quali—

Finland/SERENA:  
Shh!

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod!

Finland/SERENA:  
Guys I'm Serious!

France/A DELTA NU:  
Elle and Warner were meant to be!

Not once ever has he hit on me!

Finland/A Delta Nu  
SHUT UP!

Latvia/MARGOT:  
They're just like that couple from titanic,  
Only no one dies.

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod!

Iceland/A DELTA NU:  
2, 3, 4—

DELTA NU'S:  
Daughter of Delta Nu,  
Soon to be fiancé',  
Now that a man chose you,  
Your life begins today.  
Make him a happy home,  
Waste not his hard-earned wage,  
And so he does not roam,  
Strive not to look your age.  
Still in your hour of need,  
Let it be understood no man can supersede,  
Our sacred bond of sisterhood.  
Omigod! Omigod you guy—

Finland/SERENA:  
(spoken) Guys, she's not here.

DELTA NU'S:  
What?  
Where is she?  
Where could she be?!  
OMIGOD!

Latvia/MARGOT:  
Bruiser, where is Elle?

Hanatamango/BRUSIER:  
(Barks)

Latvia/MARGOT:  
She doesn't have an engagement outfit.

Hanatamango/BRUSIER:  
(Barks)

Latvia/MARGOT:  
She's totally freaking out.

Hanatamango/BRUSIER:  
(Barks)

Latvia/MARGOT:  
She's trapped in the old valley mill?!

Hanatamango/BRUSIER:  
(Barks)

Latvia/MARGOT:  
O, woops, sorry.  
The Old Valley Mall!

DELTA NU'S:  
OMIGOD! Mass Emergency!  
Don't take the freeway!  
Hey, wait for me!  
No one should be left alone to dress  
And to accessorize. Omigod! You guys!  
OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!

Poland/ELLE:  
(spoken) It's almost there but—  
(sung) This dress needs to seal the deal,  
make a grown man kneel,  
but it can't come right out and say bride.  
Can't look like I'm desperate,  
Or like I'm waiting for it,  
I gotta leave Warner his pride,  
So bride is more implied.

Finland/SERENA:  
(spoken) There she is!

Poland/ELLE:  
Omigod! Omigod you guys!  
All this week I've had butterflies,  
Every time he looks at me it's totally proposal eyes,  
Omigod you guys!  
So help me dress for my fairy tale,  
Can't wear something I bought on sale.

Finland/SERENA:  
Love is like forever,  
This is no time to economize.

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod you guys!

Seychelles/SHOPGIRL:  
(spoken) Blondes make commission SO easy.  
Excuse me miss, have you seen this?  
It just came in.  
It's perfect for a blonde.

Poland/ELLE:  
(spoken) Right, with a half looped-  
stitch on china silk?

Seychelles/SHOPGIRL:  
(spoken hesitantly) Uhuh.

Poland/ELLE:  
But the thing is, you can't use a  
half looped stitch on china silk- it'll pucker.  
And you didn't just get this in because I saw it in last May's VOGUE.

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod! Omigod you guys!

Poland/ELLE:  
I'm not about to buy last year's dress at this year's price.

DELTA NU'S:  
Elle saw right through that sales girl's lies.

Poland/ELLE:  
(spoken)It may be perfect for a  
blonde, but I'm not that blonde.  
(sung) I may be in love,  
but I'm not stupid, lady I've got eyes.

Italy/MANAGER:  
Omigod! Elle Woods, sorry our mistake.  
Courtney take your break.  
Just ignore her she hasn't been well.  
Try this latest from Milan go on try it on.  
I take care of my best clientele.  
It's a gift from me to Elle!

Poland/ELLE:  
Omigod! Omigod you guys!  
This one's perfect, and it's just my size!  
See dreams really do come true you never have to compromise.  
Omigod!

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod! Omigod you guys!  
Let's go home before someone cries.  
If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies.  
Because we love you guys.

Poland/ELLE:  
No, I love you guys!

DELTA NU'S:  
Omigod!

Poland/ELLE:  
Omigod!

ALL:  
Omigod! you guys!  
(spoken)OMIGOD!

* * *

**Serious**

Austria/WARNER:  
We both know why we're here  
I see it in your eyes  
I guess it calms my fear  
To know it's not a surprise  
I thought one look at you  
Looking like a dream come true  
Would leave me speechless like you always do

But now we're wide awake  
We've got some plans to make  
Let's take some action, baby

So, baby, give me your hand  
I've got some dreams to make true  
I've got the future all planned  
It's time to get serious  
Time to get serious with you

Poland/ELLE:  
I never thought that I-

Austria/WARNER:  
(spoken) Uh, honey, I'm not finished.

Poland/ELLE:  
(spoken) Oh, sorry!

Austria/WARNER:  
Since I was two or three

Poland/ELLE:  
Mmmm

Austria/WARNER:  
My life was planned out neat

Poland/ELLE:  
Mmmm

Austria/WARNER:  
I'd get my law degree

Poland/ELLE:  
Yeahh

Austria/WARNER:  
And then win my senate seat

Poland/ELLE:  
Mmmm

Austria/WARNER:  
A big white house back east

Poland/ELLE:  
Oh, ohh

Austria/WARNER:  
All of the amenities

Poland/ELLE:  
Yeahh

Austria/WARNER:  
Three kids

BOTH:  
At least, just like the Kennedys

Austria/WARNER:  
Here's where our lives begin

Poland/ELLE:  
Our lives begin

Austria/WARNER:  
Just where do you fit in?

Poland/ELLE:  
Fit me in!

Austria/WARNER:  
I'll break it down now, baby  
So, baby, give me your hand

Poland/ELLE:  
Oo, whoaa, here's my hand, here's my hand

Austria/WARNER:  
I've got some dreams to make true

Poland/ELLE:  
We both have dreams to make true

Austria/WARNER:  
I'll know that you'll understand

Poland/ELLE:  
Oh yes, I understand

BOTH:  
It's time to get serious  
Time to get serious

Austria/WARNER:  
With you  
Serious

Poland/ELLE:  
Serious

Austria/WARNER:  
Gotta wake up and take our journey  
Serious

Poland/ELLE:  
Serious

Austria/WARNER:  
I'm telling you as a future attorney

Poland/ELLE:  
Oh, oh

Austria/WARNER:  
You want the moon and sky  
Then take it, don't be shy

Poland/ELLE:  
Heyy

Austria/WARNER:  
Baby, that's why you and I

Poland/ELLE:  
I, you and I

Austria/WARNER:  
Should break up!

Poland/ELLE:  
Hey, baby, I'll give you my hand, we-  
(Spoken) WHAT? You're breaking up with me?  
I thought you were proposing!

Austria/WARNER:  
(Spoken) Elle, if I'm gonna be a senator when I'm thirty,  
I'm gonna need somebody

Serious  
Less of a Marilyn, more of a Jackie  
Serious  
Somebody classy and not too tacky

Poland/ELLE:  
(Spoken) What?!

Austria/WARNER:  
Okay, that came out wrong

Poland/ELLE:  
(Sobs)

Austria/WARNER:  
Baby, let's both be strong

Poland/ELLE:  
(Sobs)

Austria/WARNER:  
I mean, we've known all along

Poland/ELLE:  
(Spoken) Just shut up! What does that mean, I'm not a Jackie?  
I'm not serious? But I am seriously in love with you.

Austria/WARNER:  
Baby, my future's all planned  
I've got some dreams to make true  
I thought that you'd understand  
It's time to get serious  
Time to get serious

(Spoken) Check, please.

* * *

**What You Want**

Poland/Elle:  
Wait a minute. This is the kind of girl Warner wants. Someone serious. Someone lawyerly. Someone who wears black when nobodies dead! Girls- I have a completely brilliant plan.  
(Sung)What you want, Warner  
What you want is me  
But you need to see me in a brand new domain  
Well its plain, Warner  
In a different setting  
You will see your getting  
all of this plus a brain  
I'll meet you there at Harvard with a book in my hand  
Big sturdy book  
big wordy book  
full of words I'll understand  
and right there is where you'll see it too  
What you want is right in front of you

All:  
What you want  
Its clear  
What you want  
Right here  
What you want is right in front of you, front of you  
What you want  
Its clear  
What you want  
Right here  
What you want is right in front of you, front of you

Poland/Elle:  
Step 1 he's off to Harvard law  
So I get in there too

Delta Nu Girls:  
Step 2

Poland/Elle:  
make him reassess  
impress him with my high IQ

Delta Nu Girls:  
Step 3

Poland/Elle:  
we throw a wedding

All:  
and invite all delta nu

Sweden/Kate:  
That's great. Nice plan  
Now can we think this through  
(spoken) Harvard law school

Poland/Elle:  
I have a 4.0 average

Sweden/Kate:  
Yea in fashion merchandising. What makes you think you can do this.

Poland/Elle:  
Love  
I'm doing this for love  
and love will see me through yes  
with love on my side I can't lose  
and Harvard can't refuse  
a love so pure and true  
don't lawyers feel love too

Sweden/Kate:  
Even if they do  
what you want sweetheart is no easy thing  
if you're going to swing it it will wreck your senior spring  
yes its true  
First you'll need an LSAT score of more than 174  
so no more parties for you  
you'll need a killer essay  
or do not even hope  
and glowing letter from your betters  
Any chance you know the pope  
oh no too bad  
cause that would be a coup  
and you got a lot of work in front of you

All:  
What you want

Poland/Elle:  
Yes I know

All:  
What you want

Poland/Elle:  
Even so

All:  
What you want is right in front of you front of you  
What you want

Delta Nu Girls:  
Girl you go

All:  
What you want

Sweden/Kate:  
No really go

All:  
What you want is right in front of you front of you

Germania/Dad:  
Law school

Poland/Elle:  
Yes Daddy law school

Germania/Dad:  
God why. Law school is for boring, ugly, serious people and you button are none of those things.  
(sung) What you want button, hey you just say the word  
but what you wants absurd  
and costs a whole of of smack  
and hell why button  
when you can stay right here  
pursue a film career

Rome/Mom:  
How about a nice Burkin bag

Germania/Dad:  
yes, the east coast is foreign  
there's no film studios  
its cold and dark  
No valet parking  
all the girls have different noses  
Christ, button it's like the damn frontier  
Mom and Dad:  
Tell me what's out there that you can't get right here

Poland/Elle:  
Guys, Love  
I'm going there for love  
a love I have to win  
I can live without sun or valet  
I can't just walk away  
betray what might have been

Germania/Dad:  
Fine OK  
I'll pay your way if you get in

All: What you want

Rome and Germania/Mom and Dad:  
Make the grades

All:  
What you want

Rome and Germania/Mom and Dad:  
and its paid

All:  
What you want is right in front of of you front of you

Latvia/MARGOT:  
(spoken) hey everybody its spring fling beer bash extreme

Boys:  
Extreme

Sweden/Kate:  
Not for you. Time to study. GO

Latvia/MARGOT:  
This year's theme- Jamaica me Crazy!

Cuba/Reggae:  
What you want you wanna be out because the sun she warm  
What you want you wanna be study stuck inside your dorm  
what you want you wanna be partying with us all night long  
what you want you wanna be strong

All:  
be strong

Sweden/Kate:  
134 not good enough try again

Cuba/Reggae:  
What you want you wanna be groovin bump and shake the room  
What you want you wanna be provin something and to whom  
what you want you wanna be wonderin where your youth is gone  
what you want you you wanna hold on

Sweden/Kate: hold on, 151 still not Harvard material. Once again Go

Poland/Elle:  
(sung) Love, I'm doing this for love  
and that how I'll survive  
Here you go I said no go away  
right here is where I'll stay  
until that happy day  
that day I hear him say

Sweden/Kate: 175

All: 175

Poland/Elle: 175

All: 175 175

China/Professor #1:  
(Spoken)Gentlemen, Harvard law grants admission to Adam Cohen and Sundeep Padomadon. And now Miss Elle Woods- who was kind enough to send in a head shot.

Japan/Professor #2:  
We should admit her for reasons of um...

Korea/Professor #3:  
Multiculturalism

Japan/Professor #2:  
Multiculturalism

China/Professor #1:  
Oh gentlemen get a hold of yourselves. Oh look at that oh what a shame. She didn't bother sending in a personal essay.

Estonia/Pilar:  
How's this for a personal essay

All:  
What you want

Japan/Professor #2:  
Goodness me

All:  
What you want

China/Professor #1:  
security

All:  
What you want is right in

China/Professor #1:  
Who are you?

Poland/Elle:  
(Sung)I'm hat you want  
Harvard, I'm the girl for you  
And to prove it true,  
We all flew here on Jet blue

Poland/Elle:  
(Spoken)Thank you

America/Pilot:  
(Spoken)Thank you

Ensemble:  
(Sung)This is what Elle woods inspires  
In everyone that hires her,  
And Harvard should too

China/Professor #1:  
(Shouted)This is not a personal essay!

Poland and Ensemble/Elle+ ensemble:  
(Sung)No, an essay's so boring and so much does not fit,  
So we're appearing live right here,  
Making sure that you must admit that,  
Elle woods should join the chosen few,  
Harvard, what you is right in front of – (cheer team breaks into dance)

Poland/Elle:  
(Yelled)And now some legal jargon!  
Exhibit A!  
Time for my cross!  
I object!  
May I approach!

All:  
Uh Huh, Oh Yea, Go Elle, HO

China/Professor #1:  
(Blows whistle loudly and dance team stops)  
(spoken)Now see here Ms. Woods, You can't just barge in here with singing, and dancing, and ethnic movement! This is a very flashy presentation, but I still don't see one reason to admit you!

Poland/Elle:  
How about love?  
You ever been in love?  
'Cause if you have you'll know  
That Love never accepts a defeat  
No challenge it can't meet  
NO place it cannot go!  
Don't say no to a woman in love!  
Don't laugh when I say love!  
Don't think that I'm naïve!  
'because even a person who's smart  
Can listen to their heart  
Can listen and believe (Dancers in back waving flags and swaying)  
So believe in what love can achieve  
Do you Believe?

Japan/Professor #2:  
I Do!

Poland/Elle:  
Do you believe?

Korea/Professor #3:  
Me too!

Ensemble:  
Yes we believe in love how bout you

China/Professor #1:  
Welcome to Harvard!

Ensemble:  
What you want

Poland/Elle:  
That was fun

Ensemble:  
What you want

Poland/Elle:  
Let's go girl!

Ensemble:  
What you want is right in front of you front of you  
what you want

Poland/Elle:  
everyone

Ensemble:  
What you want

Poland/Elle:  
way to step up

Ensemble:  
What you want is right in front of you front of you!  
What you want  
What you want  
What you want  
What you want!

**The Harvard Variations**

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Hello. I'm Emmett Forrest.  
Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law.  
Uh, let's go around and share a bit about yourselves.

Canada/AARON  
(spoken) Aaron Sholtz.

(sung) I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes  
I write financial software codes  
But that's a challenge I've outgrown  
How many yachts can one man own?

Some say that I'm a pompous creep  
Somehow I don't lose that much sleep  
Why bother with false modesty?  
Harvard's the perfect place for me

STUDENTS  
Pretty impressive, good to know

Lithuania/EMMET  
Welcome to Harvard

Sundeep  
What's up?

Bulgaria/ENID  
Yo!

Turkey/SUNDEEP  
(spoken) Sundeep Pagrowell Pommadon, but you may call me "your majesty."

(sung) In my country  
My word was law  
But then I flee  
Because of stupid "coup d'état"

But here I learn  
I make new friends  
And soon return  
In bullet-proof Mercedes Benz

STUDENTS  
Pretty impressive, good to know  
Welcome to Har-

Bulgaria/ENID  
(spoken) ENID HOOPES!

(sung) I did the peace corps overseas  
Inoculating refugees  
In family clinics that I built myself  
From mud and trees

I fought to clean up their lagoons  
And save their rare endangered loons  
And led a protest march against insensitive cartoons

STUDENTS  
Pretty impressive, good-

Bulgaria/ENID  
But now I'm on the legal track  
Because this country's out of whack  
And only women have the guts to go and take it back

We'll make the government come clean  
And get more people voting green  
And really stick it to the phallocentric war machine

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) I love your top! It is so fatigue chic!  
Anyone know where I can find Criminal Law 101 with Professor Callahan and  
Warner Huntington the Third?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) It's in Houser. Over there, second building on the left.

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Thanks!

Canada/AARON  
I won a Fulbright and a Rhodes  
I write financial software codes  
Harvard's the perfect place for me

Turkey/SUNDEEP  
In my country  
My word was law  
But then I flee  
Harvard's the perfect place for me

Bulgaria/ENID  
I did the peace corps overseas  
Inoculating refugees  
Harvard's the perfect place for me

STUDENTS  
Harvard's the perfect place for-

Poland/ELLE  
Warner!

STUDENTS  
Ha-a-a-a-a

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Scuse me!

STUDENTS  
Ha-a-a-a-a

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Pardon me!

STUDENTS  
Ha-a-a-a-a

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Comin' through!

STUDENTS  
Harvard's the perfect place for me!  
Pretty impressive, good to know  
Welcome to Harvard

Austria/WARNER  
(spoken) Elle?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Omigod, Warner? I totally forgot you go here!

* * *

**Blood in the Water**

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Now when you choose a law career

The moment you embark

There is that joke you're bound hear

A lawyer is a shark

Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb

Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some

The rest are chum

Our topic is blood in the water

Kids, it's time you faced

Law school is a waste

Oh yes, unless you acquire a taste for

Blood in the water

Dark and red and raw

You're nothing until the thrill of the kill

Becomes your only law

(spoken) Mr. . . . Shultz , hypothetical question.

Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud?

(sung) A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it

Off to your client, all she saved since she was born

Well he promised to invest it, but he spent it

On prostitutes and heroine and porn

Canada/STUDENT:

(spoken) No, I would not want to take that case!

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Wrong! This one is a win unless you're lazy

Grandma's broke; she'll have some hack from legal aid!

Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy

Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid

Look for the blood in the water

Read your Thomas Hobbs

Only spineless snobs

Will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs

Yes, blood in the water

Your scruples are a flaw

(spoken) Ms. . . . Hupes, hypothetical question.

Would you be the right lawyer for the following client?

(sung) Say they offer you a bundle for defending

A famous hit man for the mafia elite

Seems he missed his chosen prey

Killed a nun and drove away

Running over three cute puppies in the street

Bulgaria/STUDENT:

(spoken) What, you think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man?

Russia/CALLAHAN:

(spoken) Oh, you lesbians think you're so tough

Bulgaria/STUDENT:

(spoken) But-

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Oh dear, I fear my comment has offended

Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak

Your employment will be very quickly ended

When they see how your emotions make you weak

So what's my point? I run a billion dollar law firm!

And I hire four new interns every year

From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect

And those four will have a guaranteed career

Do you follow me?

So I wanna see . . . What?

STUDENTS:

Blood in the water

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Exactly, let the games begin

STUDENTS:

Hm-mm-mm-mm

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Four of you will win

STUDENTS:

Hm-mm-mm-mm-ooh-ooh-ooh

Russia/CALLAHAN:

But just those four with the dorsal fin

Yes, blood in the water

So fight and scratch and claw

(spoken) Yes, Miss, uh

Poland/ELLE:

(spoken) Woods, Elle Woods

Russia/CALLAHAN:

(spoken) Someone's had their morning coffee.

Would you summarize the case of State of Indiana v. Hurn in your reading?

Poland/ELLE:

(spoken) Oh, I wanted to answer the puppy question?

Russia/CALLAHAN:

(spoken) But I'm asking you about the assigned reading.

Poland/ELLE:

(spoken) Okay, who assigns reading for the first day of class?

Russia/CALLAHAN:

(spoken) You have guts, Ms. Woods. Ms. . . . Kenzington

(sung) Let's say you teach a class at Harvard Law School

A position that you're justly proud about

But a girl on whom you call hasn't read the case at all

Should you let it go or-

Hungary/VIVIENNE:

(spoken) No! I'd throw her out!

Russia/CALLAHAN:

All right, then.

You have heard your classmate

You have just been killed

She cut your throat, so grab your coat

Yes, you've got guts but

ALL:

Now there's spilled your

Blood in the water

Russia/CALLAHAN:

So would you please withdraw

And if you return

Be ready to learn

Or is it unfair?

Oh, wait I don't care!

That's just how I rule

In life and in school

With fear and shock and gall

Russia/CALLAHAN:

You're nothing until

STUDENTS:

Blood in the water

Russia/CALLAHAN:

The thrill of the kill

STUDENTS:

Blood in the water

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Becomes your only law

STUDENTS:

Blood in the water

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Your only law

STUDENTS:

Blood in the water

Russia/CALLAHAN:

Your only law

STUDENTS:

Blood in the water

BLOOD IN THE WATER!

* * *

**Positive**

Finland/SERENA:

Honey whatcha cryin at?

You're not losing him to that

Both her hair and shoes are flat

Why is she so rude?

Latvia/MARGOT:

Wipe your tears, it's no big thing

You were meant to wear his ring

Cheer-up, chin-up

It's time to bring

GREEK CHORUS:

A happy attitude

Latvia/MARGOT:

Keep it positive

As you slap her to the floor

GREEK CHORUS:

Keep it positive

Finland/SERENA:

As you pull her hair and call her whore

Estonia/PILAR:

You can take her in a fight

Latvia/MARGOT:

You and he will reunite!

GREEK CHORUS:

You know we're right

We're positive

KILL HER!

Poland/ELLE:

Girls, girls!

Violence is never wise

Not the way to win back guys

Anyway she's twice my size

who's gotta plan B?

Estonia/PILAR:

Me!

Look at her, she's like a nun

Show him you are way more fun

Bust out the lap dance

and you won

You off the hizzle, gee!

Poland/ELLE:

what?

GREEK CHORUS:

Keep it positive

Latvia/MARGOT:

Yeah! Let out your inner freak!

GREEK CHORUS:

Keep it positive

Estonia/PILAR:

Miss Prissy Pants won't last a week

Finland/SERENA:

You will whet his appetite

Latvia/MARGOT:

You and he will reunite

GREEK CHORUS:

You know we're right

We're positive

We're positive

We're positive

We're posi...

Poland/ELLE:

(Spoken)

Omigod... You're making me sick.

Hungary/VIVIENNE:

(Spoken)

Are we? Warner, let's take this back to my place.

GREEK CHORUS:

Hey, hey, hey!

We're positive

That he loves you and not her

You're hotta'

And I bet ya smarter!

She don't know the real him

You feel him

So don't her her steal him

Wake him up like sleepin beauty

Turn his head with your red hot booty

You bring the noise if we bring the funk

It's positively time to shake your junk

shake, shake, shake, shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake,shake, shake,

Whoo

(DANCE BREAK)

Poland/ELLE:

(Spoken)

Girls, how is this helping? He's not even here!

He left while we were shaking "junk"! Wait!

(Sung)

Girls I'm positive

That we've taken this to far

No I'm positive

This is Harvard not a stripper bar

All this trashy carryin' on

Thats the reason that he's gone

I need a salon

GREEK CHORUS:

WHOO!

Poland/ELLE:

Girls I'm

ALL:

Positive

Poland/ELLE:

Try not to get upset

But I'm

ALL:

Positive

Poland/ELLE:

That it's time for me to go brunette

GREEK CHORUS:

what!?

Poland/ELLE:

Being blonde and being hot

That got me exactly squat!

Gotta to show him I've got more to give

GREEK CHORUS:

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Poland/ELLE:

No I'm positive

GREEK CHORUS:

Positive

Poland/ELLE:

I'm positive

GREEK CHORUS:

Positive

Poland/ELLE:

I'm positive

GIRLS:

Positive

Positive

Poland and Greek Chorus/ELLE AND GREEK CHORUS:

Positive!

* * *

**Ireland**

Britain/PAULETTE

(spoken)

Elle, do you know the number one reason behind all bad hair decisions?

Love!

(sung) You're lost without your love

Your heart is on the floor

I can help you

I've been there before!

When I need to relax

I just put on some tracks

From this CD I bought for the store

(Celtic chanting)

(spoken) Isn't that relaxing? It's called CELTIC MOODS!

(sung) When I'm lonely or feeling dejected

I play this and it never fails

I pretend like I'm in Ireland

With Enya and the whales

When my telephone gets disconnected

Or I spend every night alone

I pretend like I'm in Ireland

Where the Irish bagpipes drone

Smell the grass as a rainstorm is endin'

People smile while I stroll past their farms

With a redheaded sailor named Brendan

And we dance without moving our arms

In a bar once I met this guy Dewey

And he bought me like 14 beers

And he told me that he was from Ireland

So I lived with him 10 years

If I squinted he looked like my sailor

Through my boozy delusional fog

But he dumped me for some slut named Kayla

Took my trailer and took my dog

In Ireland they know how to love you

You embrace in the misty Irish breeze

And if your Irish boy tires of you

You're allowed to shoot him in the knees

Hey, you look like that poster for Ireland

Long blonde hair and the sweet sunny face

Oh no wait that's the poster for Sweden

Oh screw it. I'll never see either place!

But a girl sweet as you has a future

You have hope as each new day dawns

Girls like you always get to see Ireland

Give my love to the leprechauns

* * *

**Ireland (Reprise)**

Britain/PAULETTE  
(spoken) Elle, if a girl like you can't win back her man,  
then there is no hope for the rest of us! You go and you fight for him!

(sung) The Irish fear nothing and no one  
They keep fightin' 'til everyone's dead  
I'm not sure where this metaphor's goin'  
I just felt like it had to be said

There's a guy at that party who loves you  
Something most of us only dream of  
You go out there and you get some Ireland  
The country of whiskey and love

* * *

**Serious (Reprise)**

Austria/Warner(spoken):  
I still can't believe you're here, back at UCLA i never would have guessed!  
Sometimes i miss the old days  
(singing) That party senior year I thought we ruled the world

Poland/Elle:  
You funnelled all that beer  
and I held your head when  
you hurled

Austria/Warner:  
We were like Gods back then  
walking among common men  
Tell me why can't things be  
that way again?

Poland/Elle:  
Dreams don't just dissapear  
keep on dreaming and here

Austria/Warner(spoken):  
What?

Poland/Elle:

Like senior year but funner  
You've got your all planned

Austria/Warner:  
Yes I do Yes I do

Poland/Elle:  
What if i'm standing there too?

Austria/Warner:  
Wait now i'm not following you

Poland/Elle:  
i'm here cause so you'll understand

Austria/Warner:  
Yes i'm sure i'll understand

Poland/Elle:  
Here cause i'm serious

Austria/Warner(spoken):  
Yeah right you look real serious

* * *

**Chip on My Shoulder**

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Whoa, Elle? What's up, Doc?

Poland/ELLE  
Love

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Excuse me?

Poland/ELLE  
I put my faith in love  
I followed where it led

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Love led you here?

Poland/ELLE  
To my personal circle of Hell  
It has not worked out well  
I wish that I were dead

Cause instead of a wedding in love  
I'm flunking out of school  
A total laughing stock  
Someone he and his friends could just mock  
So go on, here's my head  
Just hit with a rock!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Wait, go back!

(sung) You came out here to follow a man  
Harvard law was just part of that plan  
Man, what rich romantic planet are you from?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Malibu?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Instead of lying outside by the pool  
You stalk some guy to an ivy league school?  
That's the weirdest reason I have-

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Oh, why'd you come?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Okay

(sung) I grew up in the Roxbury slums  
With my mom and a series of bums  
Guys who showed me all the ways a man can fail

I got through law school by busting my ass  
Worked two jobs in addition to class  
So forgive me for not weeping at your tale

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Well excuse me,  
just because you've got some kind of chip on your shoulder . . .

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) You know what? You're right.

(sung) There's a chip on my shoulder  
And it's big as a boulder  
With the chance I've been given  
I'm gonna be driven as hell

I'm so close I can taste it  
So I'm not gonna waste it  
Yeah, there's a chip on my shoulder  
You might wanna get one as well

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) I'm sorry, but that sounds highly negative. Wait!  
Two jobs PLUS law school?! How do you do it?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Well, I don't go to parties a lot  
Not good use of the time that I've got  
Can't spend hours doing my hair and staying in shape

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) I don't spend hours!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
But I know it'll all be worthwhile  
When I win my first lucrative trial  
And buy my mom that great big house out on the cape!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Oh, that's so sweet!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
No! That's the chip on my shoulder  
I hugged my mom and told her  
With the chance I've been given  
I'm gonna be driven as hell

Though I can't take the day off  
I just think of the payoff  
You need a chip on your shoulder  
Little Miss Woods comma Elle

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) I just need to prove to everyone that I'm serious!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) What you need is to get to work! Where are your law books?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Ummm . . . Well, I know they're here somewhere . . .

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Ya know, this vanity's real picturesque  
But it started its life as a desk  
Clear it off, and find some room for books instead

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) What are you doing?!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Can you live without this?  
Can you live without that?  
I don't know what this is

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) It's for hair!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Wear a hat!  
Spend some time improving what's inside your head!

Out, out, put it in storage, sell it on eBay, leave it behind  
Out, out, what, are you angry?  
Good, so get angry! You may find  
The chip on your shoulder

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) ARGH!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
The room just got colder

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Hey!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
But with the chance you've been given  
Why are you not driven as hell?!  
There's just no way around it  
You gotta plow through til you've

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Found it!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Been reading it hard, I can tell . . .

GIRLS  
Tis a gift to be simple  
Tis a gift to be free  
Hmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Bye, Warner! Have a great Thanksgiving!  
Say hi to your mom and dad for me! And Grandma Bootsie!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Define malum prohibitum.

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Malum prohibitum is, ummm . . .

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) An act prohibited-

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) An act prohibited by law like jaywalking or chewing gum in Singapore.

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Therefore malum ensae?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Is an action. That is evil in itself.  
Assault, murder, white shoes after labor day.

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Good. Where are you going?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Home, of course! It's Thanksgiving break, remember?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Interesting.

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) What?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Well, I predict you will probably pass

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Yes!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
In the bottom percent of your class

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) What?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
If you're going for mediocre, you've done great!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) That's not fair!

Poland/EMMETT  
Look, they laughed at me like they're laughing at you  
We can't win if we don't follow through!  
Might I venture your vacation plans can wait?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Why do you always have to be right?

GIRLS  
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria!  
In Exelcis Deo!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Bye, Warner! Merry Christmas! Enjoy Bayo!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) Ho-ho-ho!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Emmett!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) For you! Not as good as going home for Christmas, but . . .

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) You are too sweet.

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) It's a real time saver. Shampoo and conditioner in one!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Ah! (giggles) Thank you. You are so adorable to think of me.

Austria/WARNER  
(spoken) Elle, hey!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Warner!

Austria/WARNER  
(spoken) Have you seen Vivienne? I've been looking for her everywhere!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Yeah . . . I-I mean no.

Austria/WARNER  
(spoken) Great! We're gonna miss our flight!

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken)Um, Elle?

(sung)I don't know if you've noticed before  
But each time Warner walks in the door  
Your IQ goes down to 40, maybe less

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Huh?

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Though it's hardly my business to say  
Could it be the real thing in your way  
Is the very guy you're trying to impress

Poland/ELLE  
Yes! I've been smiling and sweet and thoroughly beaten blowing my chance  
Let's not chase him away  
Let's face him and say  
"Hey punk, let's dance!"

This chip on my shoulder  
Makes me smarter and bolder  
No more whining or blaming  
I am reclaiming my pride

Grab that book and let's do this  
Instead of doodling hearts all through this  
Now there's a chip on my shoulder!  
Let's see him knock it aside!

GIRLS  
Ah-ah-ah-ah Daughter of Delta Nu  
Show him that you're no fool  
Daughter of Delta Nu  
Go back to school with a big chip on your shoulder!

Austria/WARNER  
(spoken) Mr. Latimer was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation.  
Without his sperm, the child in question wouldn't exist!

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) Now you're thinking like a lawyer!  
Yes, Miss Woods.

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point,  
but did the defendant keep a log of every sperm emission made throughout his life?

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) Interesting. Why do you ask?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every sexual encounter  
to find out if a child resulted from those unions,  
he has no parental claim over this child whatsoever.  
Why now? Why this sperm?

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) I see your point.

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) And by Mr. Huntington's standards,  
all masturbatory emissions where the sperm was clearly not seeking an egg would  
be called reckless abandonment.

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) Miss Woods, you just won your case.

Poland/ELLE  
Omigod . . .

GIRLS  
Wait, hold on, we just won the case!

Poland/ELLE  
Omigod . . .

GIRLS  
Elle got all up in Warner's face

Poland/ELLE  
Omigod . . .

GIRLS  
I am starting to like this place! Yes! Omigod!

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) Miss Woods, excellent work today.  
I assume you're applying for my internship. Do you have a resume?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) I am one step ahead of you.  
Here you go, and thanks in advance for your consideration.

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken)Bohze moi, it's scented.  
Three months ago, I would have recycled this. Make sure to put it on file.

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Guess she got a chip on her shoulder  
Maybe some wise man told her  
With the chance we've been given  
We gotta be driven as hell

She was something to see there  
I'm just happy I could be there  
First big test and she aced it  
She's so close she can taste it

She got a chip on her shoulder  
Guess you never can te-e-ell . . .  
With little Miss Woods comma Elle!

GIRLS  
Elle Woods  
Woods comma Elle  
Chip on her shoulder  
Elle Woods  
Woods comma Elle  
Chip on her shoulder

Lithuania/EMMETT  
No you never can tell

GIRLS  
Elle Woods  
Woods comma Elle  
Chip on her shoulder

ALL  
With little Miss Woods comma Elle

* * *

**So Much Better**

Poland/Elle:  
All of this time,  
I've been so patient, and,  
You would love me again.

You'd come to respect my mind,  
And at last you'd find,  
You could love me again.

And I have turned my whole world  
Upside down,  
Trying not to let you go...  
Watching you walk away  
Is like a fatal blow.

WHOA!

Is that my name up on that list?  
Does someone know that I exist?  
Is this a mistake?  
Am I even Awake?  
Pinch me now to make sure...

OW!

Yes that's my name in black and white  
Maybe I'm doing something right  
WOW! I feel so much better  
Than before!

WARNER!

Sorry I've been a pest  
But I guess my best  
Was not working with you  
But looks like i've found a cure  
And I so look forward to working with you

Hey remember when we spent spring break  
In the hot tub every night  
As if nothing else  
Could ever feel so right  
Well this might!

Seeing my name up on that list  
That beats the first time that we kissed  
You thought I was dumb  
But I think that somebody's judgement was poor  
Seeing my name in black and white  
It's like making love with you all night  
NO WAIT!  
It feels so much better  
Hello much better  
It's oh, oh, oh, oh, oh  
Much better  
'cause I am so much better than before

Maybe she's what you prefer  
But hey last year I was her  
Maybe you will change your mind  
But you might look up to find  
I've gone on to better things  
Better jobs or bigger rings  
I don't have the time to cry  
I'm too busy loving my name up on that list  
Kind of a cool ironic twist  
Who else can I tell?  
Oh Wait where's my cell?  
Call my mom on the phone

HEY MOM!

Look at my name in black and white  
Your daughter's doing something right  
I feel so much better

I'll be there on monday nine o'clock  
And we will see who walks the walk  
NO NO I CAN'T WAIT!  
I will be there at eight  
When they unlock the door

OH OH  
I'll even dress in black at white  
See I have not begun to fight  
And you'll go OH much better and  
OH much better  
and soon we'll all know so much better

I am so much better  
I am so much better  
I am so much better  
than before!

* * *

**Whipped Into Shape**

Ukraine/BROOKE  
(spoken) Hi, I'm Brooke Windham and welcome back  
to the Windham Workout Disk 2 Challenge and our daily commitment to being  
the best that we can be!  
So grab your Cardio Whip 5000,  
cause if you want to get ripped, you've gotta get whipped.

(sung) Do you want an easy miracle?  
Do you want to lose a pound or two?  
Then you can turn this off right now  
My workout's not for you

I'm talking to the woman who wants it all  
Gotta pay for what you get  
Cause size 2 clothes don't come to those  
Too lazy to sweat

I want you whipped into shape  
When I say jump, say "How high?"  
You'll know you're doing it right  
When you start to cry

If you don't look like you should  
You've got to whip it, whip it, whip it good  
I'm sorry, ladies, no escape  
Til you're whipped into shape!

(spoken) Come on, Sabrina, you heifer! Work it out!

Moldova/SABRINA  
(spoken) I hate you, Brooke! And I love you for it!

Whipped into sh-

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Hey, why'd you pause it?

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) We have a lot to cover.

(sung) Meet our brand new client, Brooke  
You can laugh, but she's made tons  
Off her DVDs and book  
"Whip Your Way to Tighter Buns"

Happily married, so she swears  
To her sixty-year-old stud  
Til stepdaughter came downstairs  
And found Brooke all covered in his blood

If Brooke took a plea  
I'd have her out in 3 to 4  
But she claims she did not kill him

Austria/WARNER  
Did she?

Russia/CALLAHAN

Let's watch some more

Ukraine/BROOKE  
But it's more than just a workout  
It's a defensive weapon too  
Simply wrap it round your assailant's neck  
And pull til he turns blue

You can also use the patented handle grip  
To shatter your attacker's spine  
And all for three small payments of  
$19.99!

You'll have him whipped into shape  
When you get grief from a guy  
Just work him over with this  
Til he starts to cry

If he don't act like he should  
You've got to whip it, whip it, whip it good  
It gets you out of any scrape  
It gets you whipped into shape

(spoken) Come on, people!

(sung) Whipped into shape!

(spoken) What does not kill us makes us hotter!

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) Hands? Who thinks she's guilty?

(sung) Okay, now here is where you kids come in  
Brooke has trouble trusting me  
I'm her only chance to win  
But I don't speak MTV

Though Brooke won't help her own defense  
She may listen to her peers  
Go and place a little sense  
In the space between her ears

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) I'm a Delta N-

Russia/CALLAHAN  
(spoken) Not now.

(sung)I want her whipped into shape  
If there's a brain in that hair  
Tell it that I am the key  
It's a plea or the chair

See when I talk to her I  
Get neither plea nor plan nor alibi  
To quote from our defendant's tape  
I want her whipped into shape

(spoken) TO THE JAIL!

Ukraine/BROOKE  
(spoken) Ladies,  
just because we're at Boston Women's Correctional Facility does not mean  
we can't become the best that we can be! HERE WE GO!

Circle! Circle! Under! Over! Through! Around! Again! Good!

Circle! Circle! Under! Over! Through!  
Around! All right, ladies, we can't break out of here, but we sure can break a sweat!

Left! Right! Left! Right! Good!  
Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right!

WORK IT OUT!

(sung) I want you whipped into shape  
When I say jump, say "How high?"  
You know you're doing it right  
When you start to cry

If you don't look like you should  
You've got to whip it, whip it, whip it good  
Like prison, ladies, no escape  
Til you're whipped into shape!

Whip it! Whip it!

Whipped into shape

Whip it! Whip it!

Swipe it! Swipe it! Swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!

Swipe it! Swipe it! Swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!

That's right! YOU'VE GOT IT!

Whip it!  
Whip it!  
Whip it!  
Get whipped into shape!

**Delta Nu Nu Nu**

Poland/ELLE:  
Who, who is the girl  
with loyal friends and true  
*snap snap*

Ukraine/BROOKE:  
Who who?  
*snap snap*

Poland/ELLE:  
Who who has a bond  
as strong as crazy glue  
*snap snap*

Ukraine/BROOKE:  
Who who?  
*snap snap*

Poland/  
Who can soud the call  
and sisters all come through

Ukraine/BROOKE:  
*snap* Who

BOTH:  
*snap* Who  
*snap, snap*

Delta Nu Nu Nu  
Delta Nu Nu Nu

You are a Delta Nu  
*snap snap*

Delta Nu Nu Nu  
Delta Nu Nu Nu

You are a Delta Nu!

* * *

**Take It Like A Man**

(Talking)

Lithuania/Emmett:  
What is this place?

Poland/Elle:  
It's called a Department Store.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
It's…It's beautiful.

Poland/Elle:  
Shhh…

(singing)  
Poland/Elle:  
First a deep breath  
Take it all in  
Feel all those halogens warming your skin  
Smell how they pump in pure oxygen.  
See they care.

(talking)  
Romania/Lady:  
Love?

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Excuse me?

Romania/Lady:  
Love, the fragrance from Chanel.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Oh. No thank you.

(singing)  
Poland/Elle:  
Don't be afraid  
You're here with me  
You can have anything here that you see  
I'm gonna treat you like royalty.  
So prepare, cause something's in the air.

(talking)  
Lithuania/Emmett:  
I think its love

Poland/Elle:  
Exactly!

(singing)  
Poland/Elle:  
Here you'll become what your suppose to be  
You think you can't but you can.  
Think of the guy you want most to be.  
Here's your chance to make it  
So take it like a man.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
What does she want?  
Not really sure-  
Why can't we leave things the way that they were?  
Why can I never say no to her?  
What's that smell?

(talking)  
Belarus/Lady:  
Subtext, by Calvin Klein.

(singing)  
Lithuania/Emmett:  
Those I don't like,  
That's kind of neat.  
Guys who wear that get beat up on my street.  
Still I've come this far, I can't retreat.  
In my shell, okay than what the hell…  
I'm with Elle!

Both:  
Here you'll become what your suppose to be  
You think you can't but you can.  
Think of the guy you want most to be.  
Here's your chance to make it  
So take it like a man.

Poland/Elle:  
God, I love shopping for guys!

Lithuania/Emmett:  
This is very strange.

Poland/Elle:  
Watching them change right before my eyes.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Don't watch me change.

Poland/Elle:  
Look at you striking a pose.  
Your confidence grows.  
You bloom like a rose.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
It's just clothes

Poland/Elle:  
God I love shopping for men.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Okay, this is nice.

Poland/Elle:  
They walk in a two that walk out a ten

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Is this the price?

Poland/Elle:  
Don't worry this is my treat,  
There's someone I'd like you to meet.

(talking)  
Both:  
Whoa.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
I look like Warner.

Poland/Elle:  
Yeah.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
But it's just me.

(singing)  
Poland/Elle:  
That's the best part  
The outside is new.  
But now it reflects, what's already in you.  
Couldn't change that if I wanted to  
And I…do not.

(talking)  
Lithuania/Emmett:  
Thank You

Poland/Elle:  
Thank You.

(singing)  
Poland/Elle:  
This is no gift,  
It's payment in kind,  
Cause you saw behind all the blonde to my mind  
Oh, we've got to buy this,  
What are you blind?  
You look hot….  
Is he not hot?…?

Background:  
Here you'll become what your suppose to be  
You think you can't but you can.  
Think of the guy you want most to be.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Not quite the guy I'd have chose to be  
But when she's standing so close to me  
I think I like her plan

Poland/Elle:  
Here's your chance to make it(Your chance to make it)  
So take it like…(So take it like)

Everyone:  
A man!  
A man!  
A man!

* * *

**Bend and Snap**

Finland/Serena:  
Look at my ass  
Look at my thighs  
I'm cat nip to the guys  
They chase my tail  
They drool and pant  
Wanna touch this  
But they can't

(All)  
NO!

Finland/Serena:  
All the boys wanna come and play  
Snap my fingers and they obey  
Why do they follow me 'round all day?  
Watch me while I walk away

(All)  
I bend and snap

Finland/Serena:  
Feel how hot it's gettin'

(All)  
Bend and snap

Finland/Serena:  
And when you got them sweatin'

(All)  
Spring the trap  
They cheer and clap

(Finland/Serena)  
No tight end  
Can defend  
Against the bend and snap

(Britain/Paulette)  
Oh, that's easy for you to say

(Latvia/Margot)  
And you  
Girl, if you wanna make the team  
Then fake some self-esteem

(Estonia/Pilar)  
The more you jump around and scream  
Then the sexier you seem

(Britain/Paulette)  
Please  
Sorry girls, that ain't how I play  
This wouldn't work if I tried all day  
I gotta go get my asthma spray  
Watch me while I walk away

(Latvia/Margot)  
No wait before you walk away  
Just...

(All)  
Bend and snap

(Britain/Paulette)  
OW!

(Latvia/Margot)  
Look how good you're getting

(All)  
Bend and snap

(Estonia/Pilar)  
I'ma bet right now you sweatin'

(All)  
Spring the trap  
They cheer and clap

(Finland/Serena)  
So depend  
On your friend  
Called the...

(All)  
Bend...

(Poland/Elle)  
It's not the time to overthink  
Just try it once, he'll buy you a drink

(Norway/Random girl)  
Excuse me, would you teach me that  
I am tired of living alone with my cat

(Poland/Elle)  
Sure

(France/Hair stylist)  
Now a days I do dye jobs and curls  
But here's how we did it in the Laker girls  
Come on, Paulette

(Latvia/Margot)  
Doesn't this look fun

(Estonia/Pilar)  
Works everytime

(Finland/Serena)  
Look, do it and we'll go away

(Britain/Paulette)  
Okay, okay, okay, okay

(All)  
Bend and snap

(Guys)  
Damn!

(Britain/Paulette)  
Hey wait a second  
When I beckoned  
Look how the guys came running  
Like I'm...'

(Guys)  
Kickin'

(Britain/Paulette)  
Finger...'

(Guys)  
Lickin'

(Britain/Paulette)  
Like I'm

(Britain and guys/Paulette and guys)  
friggin', wicked stunnin'

(Britain/Paulette)  
Will you pay for stuff I buy

(Guys)  
Yes

(Britain/Paulette)  
And bake me cake and pie

(Guys)  
Yes

(Britain/Paulette)  
And hold me when I cry

(Guys)  
Yes

(Britain/Paulette)  
And I will tell you why  
I'm too rockin' to walk away  
All the boys come and gawk away  
Droppin' jaws from a block away  
Watchin' how I walk away

(Guys)  
We love to watch her walk away

(Britain/Paulette)  
I bend...

(All)  
and snap

(Britain/Paulette)  
Now look how hot it's gettin'  
Bend and...

(All)  
and snap

(Britain/Paulette)  
I'ma bet right now your sweatin'

(All)  
Spring the trap  
They cheer and clap

(Britain/Paulette)  
I depend on my friend

(All)  
Go Paulette, Go Paulette

(Britain/Paulette)  
I depend on my friend

(All)  
Go, go, go Paulette

(Britain/Paulette)  
I depend on my friend  
Called the bend and snap

Riffing

(Everyone)  
Bend and snap  
Bend and snap  
Bend and snap  
Bend and snap  
Bend and snap  
Bend and snap  
Bend and snap

(Britain/Paulette)  
I'm goona step aside  
I'm goona get me some...KYLE!

(America/Kyle)  
Paulette, Did I leave my stylis?

(Everyone)  
Bend and snap...

(Britain/Paulette)  
Aghhh...Oh CRAP!

* * *

**There! Right There!**

Poland/Elle:  
There! Right There!  
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.  
Look at the killer shape he's in.  
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.  
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.

Russia/Callahan:  
I'm not about to celebrate.  
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.  
This guy's not gay, I say not gay.

All:  
That is the elephant in the room.  
Well is it relevant to assume  
that a man who wears perfume  
is automatically radically fey?

Lithuania/Emmett:  
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks.

Poland/Elle:  
Look at his silk translucent socks.

Russia/Callahan:  
There's the eternal paradox.  
Look what we're seeing.

Poland/Elle:  
What do we see?

Russia/Callahan:  
Is he gay?

Poland/Elle:  
Of course he's gay.

Russia/Callahan:  
Or European?

All:  
Ohhhhhh.  
Gay or European?  
It's hard to guarantee  
Is he gay or European?

Austria/Warner:  
Well, hey don't look at me.

Hungary/Vivian:  
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.  
They play peculiar sports.

All:  
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.  
Gay or foreign fella?  
The answer could take weeks.  
They will say things like "ciao bella"  
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Poland/Elle:  
Oh please.

All:  
Gay or European?  
So many shades of gray.

Austria/Warner:  
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

All:  
Is he gay or European?  
or

Bulgaria/Enid:  
There! Right There!  
Look at that condescending smirk.  
Seen it on every guy at work.  
That is a metro hetero jerk.  
That guy's not gay, I say no way.

All:  
That is the elephant in the room.  
Well is it relevant to presume  
that a hottie in that costume

Poland/Elle:  
Is automatically-radically

Russia/Callahan:  
Ironically chronically

Hungary/Vivian:  
Certainly pertin'tly

Austria/Warner:  
Genetically medically

All:  
GAY!  
OFFICIALLY GAY!  
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY  
DAMNIT!

Gay or European?

Russia/Callahan  
So stylish and relaxed.

All:  
Is he gay or European?

Russia/Callahan  
I think his chest is waxed.

Hungary/Vivian:  
But they bring their boys up different there.  
It's culturally diverse.  
It's not a fashion curse.

All:  
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.  
Gay or just exotic?  
I still can't crack the code.

Ukraine/Brooke:  
Yet his accent is hypnotic  
but his shoes are pointy toed.

All:  
Huh.  
Gay or European?  
So many shades of gray.

Wy/Judge:  
But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday.

All:  
Is he gay or European?  
gay or european?  
Gay or Euro-

Lithuania/Emmett:  
Wait a minute!  
Give me a chance to crack this guy.  
I have an idea I'd like to try.

Russia/Callahan:  
The floor is yours.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
So Mr. R.G Tacos...  
This alleged affair with Ms. Wyndam has been going on for...?

Spain/Nikos:  
2 years.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
And your first name again is...?

Spain/Nikos:  
Nikos.

Lithuania/Emmett:  
And your boyfriend's name is...?

Spain/Nikos:  
Carlos.  
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.  
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

Romano/Carlos:  
You bastard!  
You lying bastard!  
That's it.  
I no cover for you, no more!  
Peoples.  
I have a big announcement.  
This man is Gay and European!  
you've got to stop your being  
a completely closet case.  
No matter what he say.  
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.  
You are so gay.  
You big parfait!  
You flaming boy band cabaret.

Spain/Nikos:  
I'm straight!

Romano/Carlos:  
You were not yesterday.  
So if I may, I'm proud to say,  
He's gay!

All:  
And European!

Romano/Carlos:  
He's gay!

All:  
And European!

Romano/Carlos:  
He's gay!

All:  
And European and Gay!

Spain/Nikos:  
Fine okay I'm gay!

All:  
Hooray!

Spanamo/Nikos and Carlos:  
Fine. Okay. We're gay!

* * *

**Legally Blonde**

Poland/ELLE  
Take back the books and pack up the clothes  
Clear out the room and drop off the key  
Leave with what's left of my dignity  
Get in the car and just go

Chalk it all up to experience  
They said I'd fail but I disagreed  
Who could say then where my path would lead?  
Well, now I know

Back to the sun  
Back to the shore  
Back to what I was before

Back where I'm known  
Back in my own  
Very small pond

Laugh with my friends  
When I arrive  
We'll drop the top and just drive  
That's fine with me  
Just let me be  
Legally Blonde

Thanks for your help and for all you've done  
Thank you for treating me decently

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) What's wrong?

Poland/ELLE  
Maybe someday you can visit me  
Give me a call, say hello

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Wait, where are you going?

Poland/ELLE  
Sorry I'm letting down everyone

Lithuania/EMMETT  
What brought on this?

Poland/ELLE  
You did your best with a hopeless case

Lithuania/EMMETT  
That's ludicrous

BOTH  
You are the best thing about this place

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Elle, you should know...

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Callahan hit on me.

Lithuania/EMMETT  
(spoken) He what?

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) He kissed me. He fired me. There's no reason for me to stay.

Lithuania/EMMETT  
What about love?  
I never mentioned love  
The timing's bad, I know  
But perhaps if I made it more clear  
That you belong right here  
You wouldn't have to go  
Cause you know that I'm so much in love...

Poland/ELLE  
Back to the sun  
Back to the shore  
Back to what I was before

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Please will you open the door

Poland/ELLE  
Lie on the beach  
Dream within reach  
Don't stray beyond

Lithuania/EMMETT  
We both know you're worth so much more

Poland/ELLE  
Some girls fight hard  
Some face the trial  
Some girls were just meant to smile

Lithuania/EMMETT  
If you can hear, can I just say  
How much I want you to stay

Poland/ELLE  
It's not up to me  
Just let me be  
Legally Blonde

Lithuania/EMMETT  
I need you to stay...

Poland/ELLE  
It's not up to me  
Just let me be  
Legally Blonde

* * *

**Legally Blonde Remix**

Hungary/VIVIENNE,  
(Spoken) Maybe Warner saw a blonde who was sleeping her way to the top,  
but I see a woman who doesn't have to.

(Sung) I used to pray for the day you'd leave  
Swore up and down  
You would not belong

But when I am wrong  
I say I'm wrong  
and I was wrong about you

So listen up!  
I see no end to what you'll achieve  
That's only if you don't turn and run

You proved it to me  
Now show everyone what you can do  
And you look great in dark blue!

Get back in the game  
Back on the case  
Take a good look at my face  
I'm not a fool  
And it's a rule  
I do not bond!

But I see a star  
You're my new muse  
You've got the best freakin' shoes!  
And you lit a fuse  
So go show them who's  
Legally Blonde!

CHORUS,  
Sha la la la la la

Hungary/VIVIENNE  
Yes, you lit a fuse  
So go show them who's  
Legally ...

Poland/ELLE  
(Spoken) Sorry Vivienne, but I'm never wearing that again.

Britain/PAULETTE  
(Spoken) Elle, Honey, you're in the supply closet!

Poland/ELLE  
(Spoken) I know! I said I'm never wearing that again...I'm wearing THIS!

(Sung) Back in the game

CHORUS,  
Yes!

Poland/ELLE,  
Back to the trial

CHORUS,  
Yes!

Poland/ELLE,  
But I'm going back in my style

CHORUS,  
Back in her style!

Poland/ELLE,  
'Cause it's a fact

CHORUS,  
Yes!

Poland/ELLE,  
When you're attacked

CHORUS,  
Yes!

Poland/ELLE,  
You've got to respond

CHORUS,  
Got to got to got to got to respond!

Poland/ELLE,  
Hand me my dog!

CHORUS,  
Dog!

Poland/ELLE,  
Hand me my bag

CHORUS,  
Bag!

Poland/ELLE,  
And that American flag!

CHORUS,  
Got to be American!

Poland/ELLE,  
Cause nobody screws

CHORUS,  
No!

Poland/ELLE,  
Somebody who's

CHORUS,  
Who?

Poland/ELLE,  
Legally Blonde

CHORUS,  
Get on your feet  
Cause she's legally blonde  
Kicked to the street  
Cause she's legally blonde  
There's no retreat cause you're  
Legally Blonde  
Yeah!

Don't be afraid to be  
Legally Blonde  
Join the parade cause she's

Rome/ELLE'S MOTHER,  
(Spoken) Honey look!  
She's leading a parade!

Poland/ELLE,  
(Spoken) Mom and Dad!

Rome/ELLE'S MOTHER,  
(Spoken) Get a picture!

Germania/ELLE'S DAD,  
(SPOKEN) Just one more please cause she's

CHORUS,  
Legally Blonde

Germania/ELLE'S DAD,  
(Spoken) Everyone say cheese!

Rome/ELLE MOTHER,  
(Spoken) No say legally blonde!

CHORUS,  
Legally Blonde!

Cause she's legally blonde...  
Cause she's legally blonde...  
Cause she's legally blonde!

Finland, Latvia and Estonia/ SERENA, MARGOT, PILAR  
(Spoken) Omigod Elle!

Poland/ELLE,  
(Spoken) Thanks Greek Chorus  
but I don't need voices in my head today.

Finland, Latvia and Estonia/SERENA, MARGOT, PILAR  
Honey it's us!  
The girls from Delta Nu!  
We came to see  
Our president be  
Legally Blonde

CHORUS,  
Jump on your feet  
Cause she's legally blonde  
You've got a right to be legally blonde  
You've got a right to be  
Legally Blonde

America/KYLE,  
(Spoken) Paulette, I've got another package...

Britain/PAULETTE,  
(Spoken) Thanks... Kyle B. O'Boyle. What does the 'B' stand for?

America/KYLE,  
(Spoken) Brendan...

(MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME PRUSSIAN-IRISH DANCE BREAK)

CHORUS,  
Oh!  
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!  
Hey!  
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah  
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah  
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah  
back in the game  
Back in the fray

Bulgaria/ENID,  
Back the hell outta the way!

Ukraine/BROOKE,  
Mr. you're fired

Russia/CALLAHAN,  
(Spoken) what?!

Ukraine/BROOKE,  
Guess who I hired?

CHORUS,  
(Spoken) Who?

Ukraine/BROOKE,  
to represent me  
you gotta to be...

CHORUS,  
yeah, you gotta be  
Yeah, you gotta be  
Yeah, you gotta be...

Ukraine/BROOKE,  
Legally Blonde

ALL,  
and she's legally blonde, oh yeah  
and she's legally blonde, oh yeah  
And she's legally blonde, oh yeah  
Legally Blonde, oh yeah!

* * *

**Find My Way/Finale**

[Austria/Warner]  
Elle, to think I didn't take you seriously. I was wrong.

[Poland/Elle]  
Thanks, Warner.

[Austria/Warner]  
We do belong together.

[Poland/Elle]  
Oh, Warner. Vivienne dumped you, didn't she?

Poland/ELLE  
Though I dreamed of this day long ago  
Now my answer is thank you, but no  
Look, I've barely begun, I'm hardly through

I was living in ignorant bliss  
Til I learned I could be more than this  
And you know, in a way I owe it all to you

I thought losing your love was a blow I could never withstand  
Look how far I have come without anyone holding my hand

I had to find my way  
They day you broke my heart  
You handed me the chance  
To make a brand new start

You helped me find my way  
There's still so much to learn  
So many dreams to earn  
But even if I crash and burn ten times a day

I think I'm here to stay  
I'm gonna find my way

Hungary/VIVIENNE  
(spoken) William Shakespeare wrote  
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day,  
thought cans't not then be false to any man."

I think this wise statement best applies to a woman-a blonde woman.  
Over the past three years, she taught me and showed us  
all that being true to yourself never goes out of style.

Ladies and gentlemen, our valedictorian:

ELLE WOODS!

Poland/ELLE  
(spoken) Ladies and gentlemen of the class of...

Britain/PAULETTE  
Here's the part where she gives her big speech  
We're so proud, but Elle's not one to preach  
So she said we can play "Where are they now?"  
Here we go!

Bulgaria practices family law  
Hungary's training for the peace corps  
Austria quit, said he makes more modelling anyhow  
Russia ran for governor, but was defeated of course  
And his wife hired Lithuania to handle their messy divorce

And me, I think I'll find my way  
And hey! I married America!  
And now we have two kids  
And one more on the way  
And we live out in Worcester  
I bought a new salon  
We also feature dog grooming  
Here! Take a couple cards!

Oops, sorry! Back to Elle . . .

Poland/ELLE  
I thank you one and all  
The ones who thought I'd fall  
Who taught me how to fail  
Who helped me to prevail  
I'm standing here today  
To help me find my way!

Oh, and if you could give one second before we all go  
Emmett Forrest, please make the happiest woman I know

Lithuania/EMMETT  
Omi-omi-omigod!

GIRLS  
Omi-omi-omi-omi-omigod!  
Omigod, omigod you guys!  
Granted, not a complete surprise  
But if there ever was a perfect couple  
This one qualifies!

LietPol/ELLE and EMMETT  
And now I found my love!

GIRLS  
Migod!

LietPol/ELLE and EMMETT  
I found my way to love!

GIRLS  
You guys!

LietPol/ELLE and EMMETT  
I finally found my prize

GIRLS  
If there ever was a perfect couple  
This one qualifies  
Cause we love you guys

LietPol/ELLE and EMMETT  
No we love you guys!

GIRLS  
Omigod!

Poland/ELLE  
Omigod!

ALL  
Omigod, you guys!  
OMIGOD!

* * *

**_*Sarcasm* Guest: _****It was deliberate. Now piss off before I force you to read SnapeXTeletubbies fanfics. **

**Review now, and send casting queries to me!**

**Next: Book of Mormon!**


	4. Book of Mormon

_**Book of Mormon**_

**Hello**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Hello!  
My name is Elder Price  
and I would like to share with you  
the most amazing book.

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
Hello!  
My name is Elder Grant.  
It's a book about America  
a long, long time ago.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
It has  
So many awesome parts  
you simply won't believe  
how much this book can change your life.

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
Hello!  
My name is Elder Green  
I would like to share with you  
this book of Jesus Christ.

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
Hello!  
My name is Elder Young

LUXEMBOURG/ELDER HARRIS:  
Hello!

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
Did you know that Jesus  
Lived here in the U.S.A.?

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
You can  
Read all about it now!

SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:  
Hello!

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
In this nifty book, it's free!  
No, you don't have to pay!

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
Hello!

VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
Hello!  
My name is Elder Smith!  
And can I leave this book with you  
for you to just peruse?

ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:  
Hello!

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
Hello!

ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:  
Hello!

VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
Ill just leave it here.  
It has a lot of information you can really use!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Hello!

ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:  
Hi!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
My name is-

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
Jesus Christ!

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
You have a lovely home!

FINLAND/ELDER CROSS:  
Hello!

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
It's an amazing book!

VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
Bonjour!

SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:  
Hello!

ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:  
Ni hao!

SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:  
Me llamo Elder White!

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
Are these your kids?

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
This book gives you the secret  
to eternal life!

VENZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
Sound good?

ALL:  
Eternal life!

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
With Jesus Christ!

ALL:  
Is super fun!

ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:  
Hello!

ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:  
Ding dong!

ALL:  
And if you let us in,  
Well show you how it can be done!

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
No thanks?

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
You sure?

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
Oh, well.

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
That's fine.

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
Goodbye!

ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:  
Have fun in hell.

AUSTRIA and FINLAND/ ELDER GRANT and ELDER CROSS:  
Hey now!

ALL:  
You simply won't believe how much  
this book will change your life,  
this book will change your life,  
and this book will change your life!  
This book will change your life;  
this book will change your life!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
HELLO! Would you like to change religions?! I have a free book written by Jesus!

VOICE:  
NO, NO, ELDER CUNINNGHAM!  
That's NOT how we do it! You're making things up again!  
JUST STICK TO THE APPROVED DIALOGUE.  
Elders, show him!

ELDERS:  
Hello!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Hello...

ELDERS:  
My name is:

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Elder Cunningham!

ELDERS:  
And we would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Hello!

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
Hello!

FRANCE and NETHERLANDS/ELDER GREEN and ELDER YOUNG:  
Ding dong!

SPAIN and ROMANO/ELDER WHITE and ELDER BROWN:  
Height ho!

VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
Just take this book!

ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:  
It's free!

ROMANO/ELDER BROWN:  
For you!

ICELAND/ELDER HARRIS:  
For me!

ELDERS:  
You see?  
You simply won't believe  
how much this book will change  
your life!

(Hello!)

This book will change your life!  
This book will change your life!

(Hello!)

This book will change-

-So you won't burn in-

SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:  
Hell...O!

ELDERS:  
You're gonna die someday!  
But if you read this book you'll see  
that there's' another way.  
Spend eternity  
with friends and family.  
We can fully guarantee you that  
this book will change your life!

(Hello!)

This book will change your life!

(Hello!)

This book will change your life!

The book of Mormon!

(Mormon!)

Hello!  
-

* * *

**Two by Two**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The most important time of Mormon  
Kid's life  
is his mission.  
A chance to go out  
and help heal the world,  
that's my mission.  
Soon I'll be off in a different place,  
helping the whole human race.  
I know my mission will be  
something incredible!

VOICE:  
Elders, form a line and step forward when your name is called. ELDER YOUNG!

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
Yes sir!

VOICE:  
Your mission brother will be... Elder Grant!

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
That- That's me! Hey brother!

VOICE:  
And your mission location will be... NORWAY!

NETHERLANDS/ELDER YOUNG:  
Oh wow, NORWAY!

AUSTRIA/ELDER GRANT:  
Land of gnomes... and trolls!

ALL:  
Hoo wah!  
Hey ya!  
Shoo wah!  
Zadup WOW!

NETHERLANDS and AUSTRIA/ELDER YOUNG and ELDER GRANT:  
Two by two,  
we're marching door to door  
Cause God loves Mormons,  
and he wants some more!  
A two year mission is our sacrifice!  
We are the army of the church of  
Jesus Christ!

ALL:  
...Of Latter-day Saints!

Two by two,  
And today we'll know  
Who we'll make the journey with  
And where we'll go  
We're fighting for a cause,  
But we're really really nice!  
We are the army of the Church  
Of Jesus Christ!  
... Of Latter-day Saints!

VOICE:  
Elder White and Elder Smith!

VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
I KNEW we'd get paired together!

VOICE:  
Your location will be... FRANCE!

SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:  
FRANCE! Land of Pastries and Turtlenecks!

VENEZIANO and SPAIN/ELDER SMITH and ELDER WHITE:  
Two by two  
I guess it's you and me  
We're off the preach  
Across land and sea!

SPAIN/ELDER WHITE:  
Satan has a hold of France!

VENEZIANO/ELDER SMITH:  
We need to knock him off his perch!

VENEZIANO and SPAIN/ELDER SMITH and ELDER WHITE:  
We are the soldiers of the army  
Of the church!

ALL:  
Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!

VOICE:  
Elder Cross and Elder Green! You will  
Be serving in... Japan!

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
Ooh! JAPAN!?

FINLAND/ELDER CROSS:  
Land of Soy Sauce!

FRANCE/ELDER GREEN:  
And Mothra!

VOICE:  
Elder Harris and Elder Brown!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Heavenly Father,  
Where will I go on my mission?

ELDERS:  
On my mission...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Will it be China,  
Or ol' Mexico on my mission?

ELDERS:  
My mission...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
It could be San Fran by the bay,  
Australia where they say "G'day!"  
But I pray I'm sent  
To my favourite place...  
ORLANDO!

ELDERS:  
Orlando...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I love you,

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE and ELDERS:  
Orlando!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
SeaWorld and Disney! And

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE and ELDERS:  
Putt-putt  
Golfing!

VOICE:  
Elder Price!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Yes sir!

VOICE:  
Your brother will be... Elder Cunningham!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME! Hello!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Oh, hi!

VOICE:  
And your mission location is... UGANDA!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
...Uganda?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
UGANDA! COOL! WHERE IS THAT...?!

VOICE:  
Africa!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
OH BOY! Like Lion King!

ALL:  
Two by two,  
And now it's time to go!  
Our paths have been revealed,  
So let's start the show!  
Our shirts are clean and pressed,  
And our haircuts are precise!  
We are the army of the church  
Of Jesus...  
CHRIST!

Two by two,  
We march for victory!  
Armed with the greatest book  
In history!  
We'll convert everyone  
All across the planet Earth!  
That is the beauty of...  
The essence of...  
The purpose of-  
The mission of-  
The soldiers of-  
The army of the Church  
Of Jesus Christ!  
...of Latter-Day Saints!  
-

* * *

**You and Me (But Mostly Me)**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I've always had the hope  
That on the day I go to heaven,  
Heavenly Father will shake my hand and say:  
"You've done an AWESOME job, Kevin!"  
Now its our time to go out...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
My best friend...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
And set that worlds people free!  
And we can do it together,  
You and me-  
But mostly me!  
You and me-but mostly me  
Are gonna change the world forever.  
Cause I can do most anything!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
And I can stand next to you and WATCH!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Every hero needs a sidekick!  
Every captain needs a mate!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Aye aye!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Every dinner needs a side dish-

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
On a slightly smaller plate!

BOTH:  
And now we're seeing eye to eye,  
Its so great we can agree!  
That Heavenly Father has chosen  
You and me-

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Just mostly me!  
Something incredible...  
I'll do something incredible!  
I want to be the Mormon..  
That changed all of mankind...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
My best friend...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Im something I've foreseen...  
Now that Im nineteen,  
I'll do something incredible,  
That blows Gods freaking mind!

BOTH:  
And as long as we stick together!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
-And I stay out of your way!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Out of my way!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
We can change the world-

BOTH:  
FOREVER!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
And make tomorrow a latter day!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Mostly me!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
So quit singing about it-

BOTH:  
-And do it!  
How ready and psyched are we?!  
Life is about to change for you,  
And life is about to change for me,  
And life is about to change for you and me,

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
But me, mostly!  
And there's no limit to  
What we can do.  
Me... and you.  
But mostly-  
ME!

* * *

**Hasa Diga Eebowai  
****(Warning: May be considered offensive)**

RUSSIA/MAFALA/MAFALA:  
In this part of Africa, we ALL have a saying- whenever something bad happens,  
we just throw our hands up to the sky and say HASA DIGA EEBOWAI!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai?

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
It's the only way to get through all these troubled times.  
There is war, poverty, famine... but having a saying makes it all seem better!

There isn't enough food to eat!  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!  
People are starving in the street!

WARSAW PACT and RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Well, that's pretty neat!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Kind of!

We've had no rain in several days!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa DIga Eebowai!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
And 80% of us have AIDS!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Many young girls here get  
Circumcised,  
Their clits get cut right off.

ALL:  
Way oh!

WOMEN:  
And so we say up to the sky-

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Now you try! Just stand up tall, tilt your head to the sky,  
and list off all the bad things in your life!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Somebody took our luggage away!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The plane was crowded,  
And the bus was late!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
When the world is getting you down,  
There's nobody else to blame!

WARSAW PACT:  
Way oh!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Raise your middle finger to the sky,  
And curse his rotten name!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Wait, what?!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Am I saying it right?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Excuse me sir, but what EXACTLY does that phrase mean?

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Well, let's see... "Eebowai" means "God".  
And "Hasa Diga" means... "Fuck You".  
So I guess in English it would be "Fuck you, God!"

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
WHAT?!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
When God fucks you in the butt-

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Fuck him right back in his cunt!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Hasa Diga Eebowai!  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!  
Fuck you, God!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Excuse me, Sir, but you should really NOT be saying that.  
Things aren't always as bad as they seem!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Oh really? Well take this fucking asshole, Mutumbo.  
He got caught last week trying to RAPE a baby.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
What?! Why?!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Some people in his tribe believe having sex with a virgin will cure their AIDS.  
There aren't many virgins left, so some of them are turning to babies.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
But... that's horrible!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
I know!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Here's the butcher, he has AIDS.  
Here's the teacher, she has AIDS.  
Here's the doctor, he has AIDS.  
Here's my sister, she has A...  
Wonderful disposition.  
She's all I have left in the world.  
And if either of you lays a hand on her...  
I will give you my AIDS!

WARSAW PACT:  
If you don't like what we say,  
Try living here a couple days!  
Watch all your friends and family die!  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!  
(Fuck you!)  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

Fuck you God in the ass, mouth,  
And cunt-a  
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth,  
And cunt-a  
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth  
And cunt-a  
Fuck you in the eye!

Hasa-  
Diga Eebowai!  
Hasa-  
Fuck you in the other eye!

Fuck you!  
Fuck you God!  
Fuck you!  
Fuck you God!  
Fuck you!  
Fuck you God!

Hasa Diga!  
Fuck you God!  
In the cunt!

* * *

**Turn It Off**

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:  
I got a feeling,  
That you could be feeling,  
A whole lot better then you feel today  
You say you got a problem,  
well that's no problem,  
Its super easy not to feel that way!

When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head,  
Don't feel those feelings!  
Hold them in instead

Turn it off, like a light switch  
just go click!  
Its a cool little Mormon trick!  
We do it all the time  
When you're feeling certain feels that just don't feel right  
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light  
and turn em off,  
Like a light switch just go bap!  
Really what's so hard about that?  
Turn it off! (Turn it off!)

GERMANY/ MISSIONARY#1  
When I was young my dad,  
Would treat my mom real bad,  
every time the Utah Jazz would lose.  
He'd start a drinking,  
and Id start a thinking,  
How am I gonna keep my mom from getting abused?

Id see her all scared and my soul was dying,  
My dad would say to me, Now don't you dare start crying.

Turn it off, (Like a light switch just go click!)  
(Its our nifty little Mormon trick!)  
Turn it off! (Turn. It. Off!)

SWITZERLAND/MISSIONARY#2  
My Sister was a dancer, but she got cancer,  
My doctor said she still had two months more  
I thought she had time, so I got in line  
for the new I-phone at the apple store.

She lay there dying with my father and mother  
Her very last words were "where is my brother?"

(Turn it off!) Yeah! (Bid those sad feelings adieu!)  
The fear I might get cancer too,

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY  
When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend Steve Blade,  
He and I were close as two friend could be  
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover,  
I was having really strange feelings for Steve

I thought about us, on a deserted Island  
Wed swim naked in the sea, and then he'd try and...

WOAH! Turn it off, like a light switch,  
there its gone! (Good for you!)  
My hetero side just won!  
Im all better now,  
Boys should be with girls that's heavenly fathers plan  
So if you ever feel you rather be with a man,  
Turn it off.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Well Elder McKinley, I think it's ok that your having gay thoughts,  
just so long as you never act on them.

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:  
No, because then you're just keeping it down,  
Like a dimmer switch on low, (On low!)  
Thinking nobody needs to know! (Uh oh!)  
But that's not true!

Being gay is bad, but lying is worse,  
So just realize you have a curable curse,  
And turn it off! (Turn it off, turn it off!)

(Dance)

Turn it off!

Now how do you feel!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The same

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:  
Then you only got yourself to blame,  
You didn't pretend hard enough,  
Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes,  
and find the box that's gay and CRUSH IT!  
Ok?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
No, no, -Im- not having gay thoughts

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Alright! It worked!

(Yay!)

(Turn it off!)

(Turn it off, Turn it off!)

(Turn it off, turn it off like a light switch just go click click!  
What a cool little Mormon Trick! Trick trick!  
We do it all the time!)

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:  
When you're feeling certain feelings that just don't seem right!  
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light!  
Turn it off! (Like a light switch, shut it off!)  
(Now he isn't gay anymore!)

(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...!)  
(Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...!)  
(Turn it...)

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY: Turn it off!  
-

* * *

**I Am Here For You**

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Id do anything for you. Im your best friend.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Well, alright then. Lets get some sleep, huh?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Yeah... So tired...

Sleep now, little buddy,  
Throw your cares away.  
Nappy with a happy face,  
Tomorrows a latter day.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
What are you doing?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im just trying to make you feel better!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I feel fine... But this is what Im talking out Elder, out focus needs to be on our work.  
Do you understand how difficult this is gonna be?  
The missionaries here have yet to baptize a SINGLE person to the church.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Well, if they had already baptized a bunch of Africans here,  
then it wouldn't be so incredible when YOU did it, now would it?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I guess... I guess that's kind of true...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Don't forget what you told me! You are awesome!  
Together, were gonna bring LOTS of Africans to the church!  
And my Dad will finally feel proud of me... instead of just feeling "stuck" with me...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
You know what, Elder? I think your Dads got plenty to be proud of already.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Really?!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Yeah!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Evening star shines brightly,  
God makes like anew!  
Tomorrow is a latter day,  
And I am here for you.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I am here for you, too.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM and AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
We are here  
For us.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Goodnight, best friend!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Goodnight, pal.

* * *

**All- American Prophet**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
You all know the Bible  
Is made of Testaments old and new.  
You've been told its just those two parts,  
Or only one, if you're a Jew.  
But what if I were to tell you  
There's a FRESH third part out there?  
That was found by a HIP new prophet  
Who had a little...  
Donny Osmond flair?

Have you heard of the  
All-American Prophet?  
The blonde-haired,  
Blue-eyed voice of God!  
He didn't come from the Middle East  
Like those other holy men!  
No, Gods favourite prophet was...  
All-American!

Im gonna take you back to Biblical times; 1823.  
An American man man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of Rochester, New York!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
That's right, that young man spoke to God!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
He spoke to God?!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
And God said:  
"Joe, people really need to know  
That the Bible isn't two parts!  
There's a part THREE to  
The Bible, Joe! And I, God  
Have anointed you to dig up this  
Part three that is buried by the  
Tree on the hill in your backyard!"

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Wow, God says go to you backyard and start digging, that makes PERFECT SENSE!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Joseph Smith went up to that hill,  
And dug where he was told.  
And deep in the ground, Joseph found  
Shining plates of gold!

SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:  
What are these golden plates?  
Who buried them here, and why?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Then appeared an angel!  
His name was Moroni!

NORWAY/MORONI:  
I am Moroni...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The All-American Angel!  
My people lived here  
Long, long ago!  
This is the history of my race!  
Please read the words within!  
We were Jews who met with Christ,  
But we were...  
All-American!

But don't let anybody see these plates  
Except for you...  
They are only for you to see...  
Even if people ask you to show  
The plates to them, DONT.  
Just copy them onto normal paper.  
Even thought this might make them  
Question if the plates are real, or not,  
This is sort of what God is going for...

Joseph took the plates home,  
And wrote down what he found inside!  
He turned those plates into a book,  
Then rushed into town and cried:

SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:  
Hey! God spoke to me and gave me  
This blessed ancient tome!  
He hath commanded me to publish it,  
And stick it in every home!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Wow! So the Bible is really a trilogy,  
and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?! IM interested!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Now, many people didn't believe  
The prophet Joseph Smith.  
They thought he'd made up this part three  
That was buried by a tree on the hill in his backyard!

WARSAW PACT:  
LIAR!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
But Joe said:

SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:  
This is no lie!  
I speak to God all the time,  
And he told me to head west!  
So I'll take my part three  
From the hill with the tree,  
Feel free if you'd like  
To come along with me,  
To the promised land!

WARSAW PACT:  
The PROMISED LAND?

SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:  
Paradise!  
On the west coast!  
Nothing but fruit and fields  
As far as the eye can see!

ALL:  
Have you heard of the  
All-American prophet?  
He found a brand new book  
About Jesus Christ!  
Were following him to paradise;  
We call ourselves Mormons!  
And our new religion is...  
All-American!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Wow! How much does it cost!?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The Mormons kept on searching for  
That place to settle down,  
But every time they thought they'd found it,  
They got kicked out of town!  
And even though people wanted  
To see the golden plates,  
Joseph never showed em!

DENMARK/GOTSWANA:  
I have maggots in my scrotum.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Um... okay.

Well, anyway...

Now comes the part of our story  
That gets a little bit sad...  
On the way to the promised land,  
Mormons made people mad.  
Joseph was shot by and angry mob,  
And knew he'd soon be done...

SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:  
You must lead the people now,  
My good friend... Brigham Young.

Oh, God... why are you letting me die?  
Without having me  
Show people the plates?  
They'll have no proof I was  
Telling the truth or not.  
They'll have to believe it just...  
Cause.  
Oh! I guess that's kinda what you  
Were going for...  
Blargggh...

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The prophet Joseph Smith DIED for what he believed in.  
But his followers, they kept on heading west.  
And Brigham Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah called...  
Salt Lake City!  
And there the Mormons multiplied, and made BIG MORMON families.  
Generation to generation until finally... they made ME.  
And now it's my JOB,  
TO LEAD YOU WHERE THOSE EARLY SETTLERS WERE LEAD LONG AGO!

WARSAW PACT and AMERICA/PRICE:  
Have you heard of the All-American prophet?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Kevin Price!

WARSAW PACT and AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
The next in line  
To be the voice of God?!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
My best friend!

WARSAW PACT, AMERICA/ELDER PRICE, and CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
He's gonna do something  
Incredible!  
And be Joseph Smith again!  
Cause Kevin Price the prophet is...  
All...  
All...  
All...  
ALL-AMERICAN-!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
If you order now, we'll also throw in a set of steak knives!

ALL:  
ALL-AMERICAN!  
-

* * *

**Sal Tlay Ka Siti**

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI  
My mama once told me of a place  
With waterfalls and unicorns flying  
Where there was no suffering, no pain  
Where there was laughter instead of dying  
I always thought she'd made it up  
To comfort me in times of pain  
But now I know that place is real  
Now I know its name

Sal Tlay Ka Siti  
Not just a story mama told  
But a village in Ooh-Tah  
Where the roofs are thatched with gold  
If I could let myself believe  
I know just where I'd be  
Right on the next bus to paradise  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti

I can imagine what it must be like  
This perfect, happy place  
I'll bet the goat-meat there is plentiful  
And they have vitamin injections by the case  
The war-lords there are friendly  
They help you cross the street  
And there's a Red Cross on every corner  
With all the flour you can eat!

Sal Tlay Ka Siti  
The most perfect place on Earth  
Where flies don't bite your eyeballs  
And human life has worth  
It isn't a place of fairytales  
Its as real as it can be  
A land where evil doesn't exist  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti

And I'll bet the people are open minded  
And don't care who you've been  
And all I hope is that when I find it  
I'm able to fit in  
Will I fit in?

Sal Tlay Ka Siti  
A land of hope and joy  
And if I want to get there  
I just have to follow that white boy

You were right, mama  
You didn't lie  
The place is real  
And I'm gonna fly!

I'm on way  
Soon life won't be so shitty  
Now salvation has a name  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti

* * *

**Man Up**

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
What did Jesus do,  
When they sentenced him to die?  
Did he try to run away?  
Did he just break down and cry?

No, Jesus dug down deep,  
Knowing what he had to do-  
When faced with his own death,  
Jesus knew that he had to...

Man up.  
He had to man up.  
So he crawled up on that cross,  
And he stuck it out.  
And he manned up.  
Christ, he manned up.  
And taught us all what real manning  
Up is about!

And now it's up to me  
And it's time to man up!  
Jesus had his time ta,  
Now it's mine ta MAN UP!

Im taking the reins,  
Im crossing the bear!  
Just like Jesus,  
Im growing a pair!  
I've gotta stand up,  
Cant just clam up,  
Its time ta-  
MAN UP!

Cuz there's a time in your life  
When you know you've got to  
MAN UP.  
Don't let it pass you by,  
There's just one time to  
MAN UP.

Watch me man up like  
Nobody else!  
Im gonna man up all  
Over myself!  
I've got to get ready,  
Its time ta,  
Time ta!

What did Jesus do  
When they put nails in his hands?  
Did he scream like a girl?  
Or did he take it like a man?  
When someone had to die  
To save us from our sins,  
Jesus said "I'll do it!"  
And he took it on the chin!

He manned up!  
He manned up,  
He took a bullet for me and you,  
That's man up.  
Real man up.  
And now it's my time ta...  
DO IT TOO!

Time to be a hero  
And slay the monster!  
Time to battle darkness,  
You're not my father!  
Im gonna time ta, just watch me go!  
Time to stand up and steal the show!  
Time ta! Mine ta!  
Time ta! Time ta!  
TIME TA.

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti,  
A place of hope and joy...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
MAN UP!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:  
And if we want to go there,  
We just have to follow that white boy!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Time ta!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Heavenly father,  
Why do you let bad things happen?

WARSAW PACT:  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti...

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:  
Did you get my text?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
More to the point,  
Why do you let bad things happen to me?

WARSAW PACT:  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti!  
We got your text!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Im sure you don't think I'm a flake...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Man up!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Because you clearly made a mistake!

ELDERS:  
Turn it off!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Im going where you need me most...  
ORLANDO!

ELDERS:  
ORLANDO!

WARSAW PACT:  
We will listen to the fat white man!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
My time to, time ta,  
Now it's my time to,  
Time ta!

WARSAW PACT:  
Hasa Diga Eebowai!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
No time to, not time ta,  
No, now it's time to time ta!

WARSAW PACT:  
Huuh!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im in the lead for the  
Very first time!

WARSAW PACT:  
Time ta!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Im going where the  
Sun always shines!

WARSAW PACT:  
Shines ta!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
I've got to stand up,  
Get my flippin' can up,  
Its time ta,  
Time ta...  
MAN UP!

WARSAW PACT, AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! Hay ya ya! Orlando!  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! Hay ya ya! Orlando!  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! Im coming...  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! ELDERS: ORLANDO!  
Turn it off!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Its time ta-

DENMARK/GOTSWANA:  
I have maggots in my scrotum!

* * *

**Making Things Up Again  
**

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
And lo, the Lord said unto the Nephites:  
"I know you're really depressed, what with all your... AIDS,  
and everything... but there is an answer in Christ."

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI:  
You see? This book CAN help us!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
I just told a lie.  
No, I didn't LIE...  
I just used my imagination...  
And it worked!

FRANCE/CUNNINGHAMS FATHER:  
You're making things up again, Arnold

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
But it worked, dad!

FRANCE/CUNNINGHAMS FATHER:  
You're stretching the truth again,  
and you know it-

SWEDEN/JOSEPH SMITH:  
Don't be a Fibbing Fran, Arnold.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Joseph Smith...?

SWEDEN AND FRANCE/SMITH AND FATHER:  
Because a lie is a lie.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
It's not a lie!

NORWAY, SWEDEN and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, and FATHER:  
You're making things up again, Arnold!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Oh, conscience!

NORWAY, SWEDEN and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, and FATHER:  
You're taking the holy word  
and adding fiction!  
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.  
When you fib, there's a price.

ROMANIA/MIDDALA:  
Ahh, this it bullshit!  
The story I'VE been told is that the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin!  
I'm gonna go and rape a baby!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
What?! Oh my-NO! You can't do that! NO!

ROMANIA/MIDDALA:  
Why not?!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Because that is DEFINITELY against Gods will!

ROMANIA/MIDDALA:  
Says who?!  
Where in that book of yours does it say ANYTHING about sleeping with a baby, huh?!  
Nowhere.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Uh, behold! The Lord said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith:  
"You SHALL NOT have sex with that infant!"  
LO! Joseph said: "Why not, Lord? Huh? Why not?"  
And the Lord said "If you lay with an infant, you shall... Burn in the fiery pits of Mordor!"

ROMANIA/MIDDALA:  
...really?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Uh-uh... Uh-uh! "A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith.  
I shall give unto you... a FROG! And thus,  
Joseph laid with the frog, and his AIDS was no more!

WARSAW PACT:  
Ohhhhh!

NORWAY, SWEDEN and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, and DAD:  
You're making things up again, Arnold.  
You're recklessly warping  
The words of Jesus!

MICRONATIONS/HOBBITS:  
You can't just say what you want, Arnold!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Come, on, Hobbits!

ALL:  
You're digging yourself a deep hole!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im making things up again...kind of.  
But this time, it's helping  
A dozen people!  
Its nothing so bad, because this time,  
Im not committing a sin,  
Just by making things up again, right?!

ALL:  
NO!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI/NABULUNGI/:  
Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
What? What is it?

NABULUGI:  
Gotswana is going to cut off his daughters clitoris!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Huh?!

DENMARK/GOTSWANA:  
This is all very interesting, but women have to be circumcised if thats what the General wants!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
No, no, doing that to a lady is definitely against Gods will!

DENMARK/GOTSWANA:  
How do you know?! Christ never said NOTHIN bout no clitoris!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
...YES! YES HE DID!  
In ancient New York, three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman's...clitoris.  
But...right before they did, Jesus had... BOBA FETT turn em into FROGS!

DENMARK/GOTSWANA:  
Frogs?

HUNGARY/ASMERET:  
You mean like the frogs that got fucked by Joseph Smith?!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Right! Right! Like THOSE frogs!  
For a clitoris is holy amongst ALL things, said he!

NORWAY, SWEDEN, MIRCONATIONS and FRANCE/MORONI, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS:  
Your'e making things up again, Arnold.

WARSAW PACT:  
Were learning the truth!

CHORUS:  
You're taking the holy word  
And adding fiction!

WARSAW PACT:  
The truth about God!

CHORUS:  
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.  
When you fib, there's a price!

WARSAW PACT:  
Were going to paradise!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Who would have thought  
I had this magic touch?  
Who've believe I could  
Man up this much?  
Im talking, their listening,  
My stories are glistening  
Im gonna save them all  
With this stuff!

WARSAW PACT:  
Ooooh- La

CHORUS:  
You're making things up again, Arnold!

WARSAW PACT:  
Elder Cunningham!

CHORUS:  
You're making things up again, Arnold!

WARSAW PACT:  
Holy prophet man!

CHORUS:  
You're making things up again, Arnold!

WARSAW PACT:  
Our saviour!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
You're making things up again...

CUBA/WIZENED OLD JEDI MASTER:  
Hmmm, up again making things you are-

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
...Arnold...

* * *

**Spooky Mormon Hell Dream  
****(Warning: may be considered offensive)  
(I would also like to point out that in this scene, the Mormons and villagers play the roles. I'm also seriously running out of characters at this point.)**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Long ago when I was five,  
I snuck in the kitchen late at night  
And ate a donut with a maple glaze.

My father asked who ate the snack  
I said that it was my brother Jack,  
And Jack got grounded for 14 days.

I've lived with that guilt  
All of my life  
And the terrible vision  
That I had that night!

No! Please, I don't wanna go baaaaaack!

CHORUS:  
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Down, down thy soul is cast!  
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell!  
The path of fire leads thee to  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

Welcome back to  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!  
You are having  
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
And now I've gone and done it again!

CHORUS:  
Rectus!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I've committed another awful sin!

CHORUS:  
Dominus!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I left my mission companion  
All alone...

CHORUS:  
Spookytus!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Oh God, how could I have done this to you?!

CHORUS:  
Deus!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
How could I break rule seventy-two?

CHORUS:  
Creepyus!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
And now my soul hath just been  
Thrown-  
Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

CHORUS:  
Down, down to Satan's realm!  
See where you belong!  
There is nothing you can do!  
No escape from  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

BRITAIN/JESUS:  
You blamed your brother for eating the donut,  
and now you walk out on your mission companion?! You're a DICK!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Jesus, Im sorry!

CHORUS:  
Jesus hates you, this we know!  
For Jesus just told you so!

LATVIA/SKELETON 1:  
You remember Lucifer!

ESTONIA/SKELETON 2:  
He is even spookier!

RUSSIA/SATAN:  
Minions of Hades  
Have you heard the news?  
Kevin was caught playing hooky!  
Now he's back  
with all you Catholics and Jews  
its super spooky-wooky!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Im sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me  
to break the rules, please I  
don't wanna be in this  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

CHORUS:  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!  
Genghis Khan,  
Jeffrey Dahmer,  
Hitler,  
Johnnie Cochran!  
The spirits all surround you,  
Spooky spooky spooky!

GERMANY/ADOLPH HITLER:  
I started a war, and killed millions of Jews!

BELARUS/GENGHIS KHAN:  
I slaughtered the Chinese!

TURKEY/JEFFREY DAHMER:  
I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

LITHUANIA/JOHNNIE COCHRAN:  
I got O.J. freed!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
You think that's bad?  
I broke rule seventy-two!

GERMANY, BELARUS, TURKEY, LITHUANIA/HITLER, KHAN, DAHMER, COCHRAN:  
Hoh?!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
I left my companion!  
Im way worse than you!  
I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

CHORUS:  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

BELARUS/KHAN:  
AHHHH-

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance!  
I won't break the rules again!

I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!

CHORUS:  
Welcome, welcome  
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!  
You are never waking up  
From Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE:  
Oh, please help me Father! Please let me wake up!  
Give me one more chance! I won't let you down again!

CHORUS:  
Down, down thy soul is cast!  
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell!  
This must be it, you must be there,  
you must be in-  
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now!

* * *

**I Believe**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
Ever since I was a child  
I tried to be the best...  
So what happened?  
My family and friends all said I was blessed...  
so what happened?

It was supposed to be all so exciting.  
To be teaching of Christ across the sea.  
But I allowed my faith to be shaken-  
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed to help the needy.  
To do the things I never dared.  
This was the time for me to step up.  
So then why was I so scared?

A warlord that shoots people in the face.  
What's so scary about that?  
I must trust that my Lord is mightier,  
and always has my back.  
Now I must completely devout  
I can't have even one shred of doubt!

I believe-  
That the Lord God created the universe.  
I believe-  
That he sent his only son to die for my sins.  
And I believe-  
That ancient Jews built boats and sailed  
to America.  
I am a Mormon.  
And a Mormon just believes.

You cannot just believe part-way.  
You have to believe in it all.  
My problem doubted  
the Lord's will.  
Instead of standing tall.  
I can't allow myself to have any doubt.

It's time to set my worries free.  
Time to show the world  
What Elder Price is about.  
And share the power inside of me!

I believe-  
That God has a plan for all of us.  
I believe-  
That plan involves  
me getting my own planet.  
And I believe  
that the current President of the church,  
Thomas Monson, speaks, directly to God.  
I am a Mormon and, dang it,  
A Mormon just believes.

CHORUS  
A Mormon just believes.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
I know that I must go and do-  
The things my God commands.

CHORUS  
Things my God commands.

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
I realize now why he sent me here!  
If you ask the Lord in faith  
He will always answer you just believe  
in him and have no fear.

GREECE/GUARD  
(spoken) General! We have an intruder! He just walked right into camp!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
I believe!  
That Satan has a hold of you.  
I believe!  
That the Lord God has sent me here!  
And I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people!

CHORUS  
Black People!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
you can be a Mormon!  
A Mormon who just believes.

PRUSSIA/GENERAL  
(spoken) the fuck is this?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
And now I can feel the excitement.  
This is the moment I was born to do.  
And I feel so incredible-  
to be sharing my faith with you.  
The scriptures say that if you ask in faith,  
if you ask God himself you'll know.  
But you must ask him without any doubt,  
and let your spirit grow!

CHORUS  
let your spirit grow!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
I believe!  
That God lives on a planet called Kolob!  
I believe!  
That Jesus has his own planet as well.  
And I believe  
that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri.

If you believe,  
The Lord will reveal it.  
And you'll know it's all true-  
You'll just feel it.

You'll be a Mormon!  
And by gosh-  
A Mormon just belieeeeeeeeves!  
Oh, I believe!  
I believe!

CHORUS  
Believe!

* * *

**Baptize Me**

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im about to do it for the first time.  
And Im gonna do it with a girl!  
A special girl-  
Who makes my heart kind of flutter-  
Makes my eyes kind of blur-  
I can't believe Im about  
to baptize her!

UKRAINE/ NABULUNGI:  
He will baptize me!  
He will hold me in his arms,  
and he will baptize me!  
Right in front of everyone  
and it will set me free-  
When he looks into my eyes.  
And he sees just how much  
I love being baptized...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im gonna baptize her!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Baptize me!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Bathe her in Gods glory!  
And I will baptize her-

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Im ready.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
-With everything I got.  
And I'll make her beg for more,

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Oooh,

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
As I wash her free of sin.  
And it'll be so good,  
Shell want me to

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM and UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Baptize her/me again.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Excuse me, Im gonna need another minute!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Never known a boy to gentle,  
one like him is hard to find.  
A special kind.  
Who makes my heart kind of flutter,  
like a moth in a cocoon.  
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im gonna baptize you.  
Im through with all my stalling.

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
You're gonna baptize me.  
Im ready to let you do it.

BOTH:  
And it will set us free.  
Its time to be immersed.  
And Im so happy you're  
about to be my first.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Okay, you ready?

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
I am ready. So... how do we do it?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Well, I hold you like this-

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Yeah?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
And I lower you down-

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Yeah?

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
And then I-

(splash)

I just baptized her!  
She got doused by Heavenly Father!  
I just baptized her good!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
You baptized me!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
I performed like a champ!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Im wet with salvation!

BOTH:  
We just went all the way!  
Praise be to God,  
I'll never forget this day...

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
I baptized you!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
You baptized me!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
I gotcha good!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Baptize me!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
You want it more, baby?

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Baptize me!

Ill text you later.  
-

* * *

** I Am Africa**

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:  
I am Africa...  
I am Africa.  
With the strength of the cheetah,  
my native voice will ring...

ELDERS:  
We are Africa!  
We are the heartbeat of Africa!

GERMANY/ELDER SCHRADER:  
With the rhino-

SPAIN/ELDER THOMAS:  
The meerkat-

VENEZIANO/ELDER CHURCH:  
The noble lion king-

ELDERS:  
We are Africa!

We are the winds of the Serengeti,  
We are the sweat of the jungle man,  
we are the tears of Nelson Mandela,  
We are the lost boy of the Sudan.

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
I am Africa!  
Just like Bono! I am Africa!  
I flew in here, and became one with  
this land!

ELDERS:  
Ha na heya! Za ba neyba!

CANADA/ELDER CUNINNGHAM:  
Im not a follower anymore,  
No, now Im frickin Africa!  
With my Zulu spear,  
I run barefoot through the sand!  
I am Africa!

ELDERS:  
Ha na heya za ba ney...

We are Africa  
we are the, the only Africa  
(The one and only Africa)  
and the life we live is primitive  
and proud!

(Let us smile and laughrica!)

We are Africa!  
We are the deepest, darkest Africa!  
(So deep and dark Africa)  
We are the fields and fertile forests,  
well endowed!  
We are Africa!

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY:  
We are the sunrise on the Savannah...

FRANCE/ELDER ZELDER:  
A monkey with a banana...

VENEZIANO/ELDER CHURCH:  
A tribal woman who doesn't wear a bra...

ELDERS:  
Ahhhhh  
Africans are African,  
but we are A-  
Frica!  
-

* * *

**Joseph Smith American Moses  
****(Warning: Could be considered offensive)**

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
And now we wish to honour you with the story of Joseph Smith, the American Moses!

VOICE:  
Well this is very good, praise Christ.

Chorus:  
Mormon!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
I'm going to take you back in time! (Mormon)  
To the United States year 1823. (Mormon)  
A small and odd village called oopstate New York. (oopstate)  
There was Disease, and famine (so sick)  
but also in the village lived a simple farmer who would change everything  
His name was Joseph Smith

Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya  
Joseph Smith, American Moses!  
Praise be to Joseph! American prophet man.

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
AY! My name is Joseph Smith, and I'm going to fuck this baby!  
What?!

CHORUS:  
No no Joseph! Don't fuck the baby!  
Joseph Smith, don't fuck the baby.

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Suddenly the clouds parted,  
And Joseph Smith was visited by GOD!

ESTONIA/VILLAGER:  
Joseph Smith, do not fuck a baby.  
I'll get rid of your AIDS if you fuck this frog.

CHORUS:  
Ha-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Joseph Smith fucked the frog god gave him,  
and his AIDS went away!  
Then a great wizard named Moronai came down from the Starship enterprise

LITHUANIA/VILLAGER:  
Joseph Smith! Your village is shit!  
You should lead the villagers to a new village.  
Take these fucking golden plates (awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay)

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
And on the plates were written the directions to a new land.  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)  
Joseph tried to convince all the villagers to follow him and his golden plates.

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Liberation! Equality! No more slavery for oopstate Mormon people!

I got de golden plates! (Gold plates)  
I gonna lead the people! (We head west)  
We gotta stick together! (For months)  
We gotta hel' each other! (We will for months)  
And so we climb the mountain! (We head west)  
And we cross the river (we head west)  
and we fight the oppression! (For months)  
By being nice to everyone (we are Mormons)

POLAND/VILLAGER:  
Not so fast Mormons! You shall not pass my mountain!  
(Down from the mountain look who comes! The American warlord, Brigham Young!  
YES! I am Brigham Young!  
I cut off my daughter's clitoris.  
That made god angry so he turned my nose into a clit for punishment!  
(Brigham Young, his nose was a clitoris)

CHORUS:  
What will you do Joseph? Will you fight the clitoris man?

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Not fight him, help him! (Oooohhhhhhhh)

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI  
Joseph Smith took his magical fuck frog and rubbed it upon Brigham Young's clit-face,  
and behold, Brigham was cured!

CHORUS:  
Joseph Smith! Magical AIDS frog!  
Frog on his clit-face!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Brigham Young was so grateful, he decided to join the Mormons and their journey.

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Compassion!  
Courtesy!  
Let's be really fucking polite to everyone!

I got de golden plates! (Gold plates)  
I gonna lead the people! (We head west)  
We gotta stick together! (For months)

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad. (Ohh)  
After travelling for so long,  
The Mormons ran out of fresh water,  
and became sick, with dysentery!

CHORUS:  
Mormon go to the water, water go to the cup  
Cup go to the stomach, shit come out the butt  
Shit go in the water, water go in the cup  
Shit go down the stomach, shit come out the butt

RUSSIA/MAFALA:  
Oh fuck!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI:  
Oh no! The prophet Joseph smith is now getting sick!  
Brigham Young, you must take the golden plates and lead the Mormons to the promise land!

POLAND/VILLAGER:  
Desperation!  
Mortality!  
Loss of faith!  
I….. Got the golden plates (gold plates)  
I gonna lead the people (we head west)…

UKRAINE/ NABULUNGI:  
Even though their prophet had died,  
The Mormons stuck together,  
and helped each other  
and were really nice to everyone they came across.  
And one day, the Mormons finally found,  
Sal Tlay Ka Siti! (Sal Tlay Ka Siti)  
And then, the Mormons danced with ewoks,  
and were greeted by Jesus!

LATVIA/VILLAGER:  
Welcome Mormons!  
Now, let's all have as many babies as we can,  
and make big, Mormon families!

CHORUS:  
Wahoo!  
Fuck your woman, fuck your man,  
It is all part of Gods plan  
Mormons help god as they can,  
Here in Salt Lake City land!

Thank you! Thank you,  
for now we are fucking.  
Thank you! Thank you,  
Come god wants us fucking.  
Thank you! Thank you,  
but get back to fucking.  
Thaaaa- Get back to fucking!  
Thank you! Thank you god!  
-

* * *

**Tomorrow Is a Latter Day**

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
We are still Latter Day Saints, all of us  
Even if we change some things, or or we break the rules  
Or we have complete doubt that God exists  
We can still all work together and make this our paradise planet

CANADA/ELDER CUNNINGHAM  
You, you want to stay here with me?

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
I'd do anything for you; you're my best friend

don't worry little buddy  
Know this much is true  
Tomorrow is a latter day  
And I am here for you

ENSEMBLE  
Tomorrow is a latter day...  
Tomorrow is a latter day!  
Tomorrow is a latter day!

I am a Latter Day Saint (Latter Day, hey.)  
I help all those I can  
I see my friends through times of joy and sorrow (Times of joy and sorrow!)  
Who cares what happens when we're dead? (Who cares now, ooh.)  
We shouldn't think that far ahead  
the only latter day that matters is tomorrow!

The skies are clear and now the sun's coming out  
it's a latter day tomorrow! (Hayyaya!)  
Put your worries and your sorrows and your cares away  
and focus on the latter day!  
Tomorrow is a latter day! (Woo!)

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI  
I am a Latter Day Saint (Shoodoowow!)  
Along with all my town (Bada ba! Bada ba!)  
We always stick together come what may! (Wanna thank you, Lord!)

BRITAIN/ELDER MCKINLEY with ENSEMBLE:  
We love to dance and shout (Ba da bao)  
and let all our feelings out (Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.)  
And work to make a better latter day! (Ash, day.)

ENSEMBLE  
Hanna hyena bandanna hyena!  
We're gonna be here for each other every step of the way  
and make a Latter Day tomorrow! (Hanna hey!)

Americans already found a cure for AIDS  
but they're saving it for a Latter Day! (Yeah!)  
Tomorrow is a Latter Day

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
I believe (Tomorrow is a latter day)  
I believe (Love and joy and all the things that matter day)  
I believe (Tomorrow is a bigger, badder latter day ay ay ay)

I believe (Tomorrow, tomorrow is a latter day)  
I believe (A happy ending on a platter day)  
I believe (Tomorrow's a doper, phatter latter day ay ay)

ENSEMBLE  
Why are Mormons happy?  
It's because we know  
it's a latter day tomorrow!  
So if you're sad put your hands together and pray  
that tomorrow's gonna be a latter day!  
And then it probably will be a latter day!  
Tomorrow is a latter day!

AMERICA/ELDER PRICE  
so what will tomorrow bring? (Ooo...)  
What does the future hold?  
I can almost see it now... (Ooo...)

ESTONIA/MUTUMBO  
Hello!  
My name is Elder Mutumbo  
and I would like to share with you the most amazing book!

SLOVAKIA/KIMBAY  
Hello! (Hello!)  
My name is Sister Kimbay  
It's a book about a people who were poor and sad like you!

UKRAINE/NABULUNGI  
A sacred text (Hello!)  
Of pioneers and frogs! (Fucked frogs!)  
And how you can find salvation if you just believe

HUNGARY/ASMERET  
Hi-ho!

SLOVAKIA & ROMANIA/KIMBAY & MIDDALA  
Ding dong!

BELARUS/KALIMBA  
Hello! (Boba Fett!)  
You have a lovely mud hut  
and if you just put down the gun, I'll show you... Oh, okay, I'll leave!

LITHUANIA/GHALI  
Hello! (Hello!)  
My name is Elder Ghali  
You will love all of the happiness this book can bring

PRUSSIA/GENERAL  
Hello! (Hello!)  
My name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked  
did you know that the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?

ENSEMBLE  
Find paradise! (With Jesus Christ!)  
And no more war! (Hello!) (Nice door!)  
You've read the Book of Mormon; did you know there's more? (Part four!)

We swear! (We really care!)  
This is not a scam (No ma'am!)  
Have you heard the story of our Prophet Arnold Cunningham?  
(Arnold. Arnold Cunningham? Arnold Cunningham? Arnold Cunning...)

Hello! (Hello!)  
Our church is growing strong! (Hello!)  
And if you let us in, we'll show you how you can belong! (Hello!)

Join our family (Hello!)  
And set your spirit free (Hello! Hello!)  
We can fully guarantee you that this book will change your life (Hello!)  
This book will change your life! (Hello!)  
This book will change your life! (Hello, this book will change your life!)  
This book will change your, book will change, this book will change your life!  
The book of Arnold...  
Hello!

We are Latter Day Saints! (Yeah!)  
We take life one day at a time!  
When the chips are down, we know just what to say! (We know just what to say!)  
The past may be in tatters  
but today is all that matters! (Human hyena!)  
Because today is yesterday's latter day! (Hoo hoo hoo oho oho)  
Thank you God!  
Ma ha nei bu, Eebowai!  
Tomorrow is a Latter Day!

DENMARK/GOTSWANA  
I still have maggots in my scrotum!

* * *

**I'm really sorry guys, but this was a _bitch _to write. **

**I'veMadeItMyOTP: I don't know. I'm British, it could be.**

**Next: *sighs* Les Miserables... help.**

**Bye from DBM. Peace out.**


	5. Les Miserables

**_Les Miserables_**

**A few notes to begin.****  
****In this, Austria is female. Romano is still male in this version. This show has loads of characters, so if I reuse some, it is out of necessity, rather than choice. Lastly, 'Suddenly' will not appear. **

* * *

**Prologue/Look Down**  
**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
Don't look 'em in the eye  
Look down, look down  
You're here until you die  
**  
****Ireland/1ST CONVICT:**  
The sun is strong  
It's hot as hell below

**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
there's twenty years to go.  
**  
****Scotland/2ND CONVICT:**  
I've done no wrong  
Sweet Jesus, here my prayer

**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
Sweet Jesus doesn't care  
**  
****Wales/3RD CONVICT:****  
**I know she'll wait  
I know that she'll be true

**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
They've all forgotten you

**Australia/4TH CONVICT:**  
When I get free  
You won't see me  
'Ere for dust

**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
Don't look 'em in the eye.

**New Zealand/5TH CONVICT:**  
How long, O Lord  
Before you let me die?

**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
You'll always be a slave  
Look down, look down  
You're standing in your grave.

**BRITAIN/JAVERT:**  
Now bring me prisoner 24601  
Your time is up  
And your parole's begun  
You know what that means.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
Yes, it means I'm free.

**BRITAIN/JAVERT:**  
No! It means you get  
Your yellow ticket-of-leave  
You are a thief.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
I stole a loaf of bread.

**BRITAIN/JAVERT:**  
You robbed a house.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
I broke a window pane.  
My sisters child was close to death  
And we were starving.

**BRITAIN/JAVERT:**  
You will starve again  
Unless you learn the meaning of the law.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
I know the meaning of those 19 years  
A slave of the law.

**BRITAIN/JAVERT:**  
Five years for what you did  
The rest because you tried to run  
Yes, 24601.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
My name is Jean Valjean.

**BRITAIN/JAVERT:**  
And I am Javert  
Do not forget my name  
Do not forget me  
24601

**CHORUS:**  
Look down, look down  
You'll always be a slave  
Look down, look down  
You're standing in your grave.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
Freedom is mine. The earth is still.  
I feel the wind. I breathe again.  
And the skies clear.  
The earth is waking.  
Drink from the pool. How clean the taste.  
Never forget the years, the waste.  
Nor forgive them  
For what they've done.  
They are the guilty- everyone.  
The day begins...  
And now let's see  
What this new world,  
Will do for me!

**Slovakia/FARMER:**  
You'll have to go  
I'll pay you off for the day  
Collect your bits and pieces there  
And be on your way.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
You have given me half  
What the other men get  
This handful of tin  
Wouldn't buy my sweat!  
**  
****Czech Republic/LABOURER:**  
You broke the law  
It's there for people to see  
Why should you get the same  
As honest men like me?

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:****  
**Now every door is closed to me  
Another jail. Another key. Another chain.  
For when I come to any town  
They check my papers  
And they find the mark of Cain.  
In their eyes  
I see their fear  
"We do not want you here."

**Taiwan/INNKEEPERS WIFE:**  
My rooms are full  
And I've no supper to spare  
I'd like to help a stranger  
All we want is to be fair.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
I will pay in advance  
I will sleep in a barn  
You see how dark it is  
I'm not some kind of dog.

**Japan/INNKEEPER:**  
You leave my house!  
Or feel the weight of my rod.  
We're law-abiding people here  
Thanks be to God.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
And now I know how freedom feels  
The jailer always at your heels  
It is the law!  
Ths piece of paper in my hand  
It makes me cursed throughout the land  
It is the law!  
Like a curse  
I walk the street,  
The dirt beneath their feet...  
**  
****BISHOP/GRANDPA ROME:**  
Come in, Sir, for you are weary  
And the night is cold out there.  
Though our lives are vey humble  
What we have, we have to share.  
There is wine here to revive you.  
There is bread to make you strong.  
There's a bed to rest 'til morning.  
Rest from pain, and rest from wrong.

**NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:**  
He let me eat my fill.  
I had the lion's share.  
This silver in my hand  
Costs twice what I had earned  
In all those nineteen years-  
That lifetime of despair  
And yet he trusted me-  
The old fool trusted me-  
He'd done his bit of good  
I played the grateful serf  
And thanked him like I should.  
But when the house was still,  
I got up in the night  
Took the silver,  
Took my flight!  
**  
****Thailand/CONSTABLE 1:**  
Tell his reverence your story.

**Hong Kong/CONSTABLE 2:**  
Let us see if he's impressed.

**Thailand/CONSTABLE 1:**  
You were lodging here last night.  
**  
****Hong Kong/CONSTABLE 2:**  
You were the honest Bishop's guest.  
And than out of Christian goodness.  
When he learned about your plight

**Thailand/CONSTABLE 1:**  
You mantain he made a present of this silver

**BISHOP/GRANDPA ROME:**  
That is right.  
But my friend you left so early  
Surely something slipped your mind.  
You forgot I gave these also.  
Would you leave the best behind?  
So, Messieurs, you may release him  
For this man has spoken true.  
I commend you for your duty  
And God's blessing go with you.  
**(to NETHERLANDS/VALJEAN:)**But remember this, my brother  
See in this some higher plan.  
You must use this precious silver  
To become an honest man.  
By the witness of the martyrs  
By the Passion and the Blood  
God has raised you out of darkness  
I have bought your soul for God!

* * *

**Valjean's Soliloquy**  
**Netherlands/Valjean:****  
**What have I done sweet Jesus? What have I done?  
Become a thief in the night? Become a dog on the run?  
Have I fallen so far and is the hour so late?  
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate?  
The cries in the dark that nobody hears?  
Here where I stand at the turning of the years

If there's another way to go, I missed it twenty long years ago  
My life was a war that could never be won  
They gave me a number, murdered Valjean:  
When the chained me and left me for dead  
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread

Yet why did I allow that man, to touch my soul and teach me love?  
He treated me like any other  
He gave me his trust, he called me "brother"  
My life he claims for God above. Can such things be?  
For I had come to hate the world, this world that always hated me  
Take an eye for an eye, turn your heart into stone  
This is all I have lived for, this is all I have known

One word from him and I'd be back, beneath the lash upon the rack  
Instead he offers me my freedom  
I feel my shame inside me like a knife  
He told me that I had a soul. How does he know?  
What spirit comes to move my life? Is there another way to go?

I am reaching but I fall, and the night is closing in  
As I stare into the void, to the whirlpool of my sin  
I'll escape now from the world, from the world of Jean Valjean:  
Jean Valjean: is nothing now! Another story must begin!

* * *

**At the End of the Day**  
**Workers:**  
At the end of the day you're another day older  
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor  
It's a struggle, it's a war  
And there's nothing that anyone's giving  
One more day, standing about, what is it for?  
One day less to be living.  
At the end of the day you're another day colder  
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill  
And the righteous hurry past  
They don't hear the little ones crying  
And the winder is coming on fast, ready to kill  
One day nearer to dying!  
At the end of the day there's another day dawning  
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise  
Like the waves crash on the sand  
Like a storm that'll break any second  
There's a hunger in the land  
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned  
And there's gonna be hell to pay  
At the end of the day!  
**  
****[The foreman and workers, including Austria/Fantine:, emerge.]**  
**  
****Switzerland/Foreman:**  
At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing  
Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread

**Workers:**  
There are children back at home  
And the children have got to be fed  
And you're lucky to be in a job  
**  
****Switzerland/Foreman:**  
And in a bed!  
**  
****Workers:**  
And we're counting our blessings!  
Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today?  
With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?  
It's because little Fantine won't give him his way  
Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands!  
And the boss he never knows, the foreman is always on heat  
If Fantine doesn't look out  
Watch how she goes  
She'll be out on the street

**Workers:**  
At the end of the day it's another day over  
With enough in your pocket to last for a week  
Pay the landlord pay the shop  
Keep on working as long as you're able  
Keep on working till you drop  
Or it's back to the crumbs on the table  
You've got to pay your way  
At the end of the day!  
**  
****Lichtenstein/Girl:**  
What have we here, little innocent sister?  
Come on Austria/Fantine:, let's have all the news!  
**  
****[She grabs the letter from Austria/Fantine.]**

"Dear Fantine you must send us more money...  
Your child needs a doctor...  
There's no time to lose!"

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Give that letter to me  
It is none of your business  
With a husband at home  
And a bit on the side  
Is there anyone here  
Who can swear before God  
She has nothing to fear?  
She has nothing to hide?  
**  
****[They fight over the letter. Netherlands/Valjean rushes over to break up the squabble.]****  
**  
**Switzerland/Foreman:**  
Monsieur Madeline's here!

**Netherlands/Valjean: (as Monsieur Madeleine)**  
What is this fighting all about?  
Will someone tear these two apart?  
This is a factory, not a circus!  
Now come on ladies, settle down  
I am the Mayor of this town  
I run a business of repute

**[To the foreman.]**

Deal with this foreman,  
And be as patient as you can-  
**  
****Switzerland/Foreman:**  
Yes Monsieur Madeline.  
Now someone say how this began!  
**  
****Lichtenstein/Girl:**  
At the end of the day she's the one who began it  
There's a kid that she's hiding in some little town  
There's a man she has to pay  
You can guess how she picks up the extra  
You can bet she's earning her keep sleeping around  
And the boss wouldn't like it!

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Yes it's true there's a child  
And the child is my daughter  
And her father abandoned us leaving us flat  
Now she lives with an innkeeper man and his wife  
And I pay for the child  
What's the matter with that?

**Women:**  
At the end of the day she'll be nothing but trouble  
And there's trouble for all when there's trouble for one  
While we're earning our daily bread  
She's the one with her hands in the butter  
You must send the slut away  
Or we're all gonna end in the gutter  
And it's us who'll have to pay  
At the end of the day!  
**  
****Switzerland/Foreman:**  
I might have known the bitch could bite  
I might have known the cat had claws  
I might have guessed your little secret  
Ah, yes, the virtuous Fantine:  
Who keeps herself so pure and clean  
You'd be the cause I had no doubt  
Of any trouble hereabout  
You play a virgin in the light  
But need no urgin' in the night.

**Lichtenstein/Girl:**  
She's been laughing at you  
While she's having her men  
**  
****Women:****  
**She'll be nothing but trouble again and again

**Workers:**  
You must sack her today  
Sack the girl today!

**Switzerland/Foreman [spoken]:**  
Right my girl;  
On your way!

* * *

**I Dreamed a Dream**  
**[Austria/Fantine: is left alone, unemployed and destitute.]**

**Austria/Fantine:**  
There was a time when men were kind  
When their voices were soft  
And their words inviting  
There was a time when love was blind  
And the world was a song  
And the song was exciting  
There was a time  
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in times gone by  
When hope was high  
And life worth living  
I dreamed that love would never die  
I dreamed that God would be forgiving  
Then I was young and unafraid  
And dreams were made and used and wasted  
There was no ransom to be paid  
No song unsung  
No wine untasted  
But the tigers come at night  
With their voices soft as thunder  
As they tear your hope apart  
And they turn your dream to shame  
He slept a summer by my side  
He filled my days with endless wonder  
He took my childhood in his stride  
But he was gone when autumn came  
And still I dream he'll come to me  
That we'll live the years together  
But there are dreams that cannot be  
And there are storms we cannot weather  
I had a dream my life would be  
So much different from this hell I'm living  
So different now from what it seemed  
Now life has killed  
The dream I dreamed.

* * *

**Lovely Ladies**  
**[The docks. Sailors, whores and their customers, Pimps, etc. Austria/Fantine wanders in.]**

**Sailors:**  
I smell women  
Smell 'em in the air  
Think I'll drop my anchor  
In that harbour over there  
Lovely ladies  
Smell 'em through the smoke  
Seven days at sea  
Can make you hungry for a poke  
Even stokers need a little stoke!

**USSR/Whores:**  
Lovely ladies  
Waiting for a bite  
Waiting for the customer  
Who only comes at night  
Lovely ladies  
Waiting for the call  
Standing up or lying down  
Or any way at all  
Bargain prices up against the wall

**China/Old Woman:**  
Come here, my dear  
Let's see this trinket you wear  
This bagatelle...

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Madame, I'll sell it to you...

**China/Old Woman:**  
I'll give you four

**Austria/Fantine:**  
That wouldn't pay for the chain  
**  
****China/Old Woman:**  
I'll give you five, you're far too eager to sell, it's up to you.  
**  
****Austria/Fantine:**  
It's all I have

**China/Old Woman:**  
That's not my fault

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Please make it ten  
**  
****China/Old Woman:**  
No more than five  
My dear, we all must stay alive!

**Whores:**  
Lovely ladies  
Waiting in the dark  
Ready for a thick one  
Or a quick one in the park  
Long time short time  
Any time, my dear  
Cost a little extra if you want to take all year!  
Quick and cheap is underneath the pier!  
**  
****Vietnam/Crone:**  
What pretty hair  
What pretty locks you got there  
What luck you got, it's worth a centime my dear  
I'll take the lot  
**  
****Austria/Fantine:**  
Don't touch me leave me alone

**Vietnam/Crone:**  
Let's make a price, I'll give you all of ten francs  
Just think of that!  
**  
****Austria/Fantine:**  
It pays a debt

**Vietnam/Crone:**  
Just think of that

**Austria/Fantine:**  
What can I do? It pays a debt.  
Ten francs may save my poor Belgium/Cosette:!  
**  
****Whores:**  
Lovely ladies  
Lovely little girls  
Lovely ladies  
Lovely little ladies  
Lovely girlies  
Lovely little girls  
We are lovely, lovely girls  
Lovely ladies  
What's a lady for? Sailors  
Lovely lady!  
Fastest on the street  
Wasn't there three minutes  
She was back up on her feet  
Lovely lady!  
What yer waiting for?  
Doesn't take a lot of savvy  
Just to be a whore  
Come on, lady  
What's a lady for?

**[Austria/Fantine: re-emerges, her long hair cut short.]**

**Russia/Pimp:**  
Give me the dirt, who's that bit over there?

**Lithuania/Whore 1:**  
A bit of skirt, she's the one sold her hair.

**Latvia/Whore 2:**  
She's got a kid sends her all that she can  
**  
****Russia/Pimp:**  
I might have known  
There is always some man  
Lovely lady, come along and join us!  
Lovely lady!

**Whores:**  
Come on dearie, why all the fuss?  
You're no grander than the rest of us  
Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap  
Join your sisters, make money in your sleep!

**[Austria/Fantine: goes off with one of the sailors.]**

That's right dearie, let him have the lot  
That's right dearie, show him what you've got!

Old men, young men, take 'em as they come  
Harbor rats and alley cats and every type of scum  
Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land  
See them with their trousers off they're never quite as grand  
All it takes is money in your hand!  
Lovely ladies  
Going for a song  
Got a lot of callers  
But they never stay for long

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Come on, Captain  
You can wear your shoes  
Don't it make a change  
To have a girl who can't refuse  
Easy money  
Lying on a bed  
Just as well they never see  
The hate that's in your head  
Don't they know they're making love  
To one already dead!

* * *

**Fantine's Arrest****  
****[Bamatabois is a well dressed gentleman.] **

**Portugal/Bamatabois**:  
Here's something new, I think I'll give it a try.  
Come closer you! I like to see what I buy  
The usual price, for just a slice of your pie

**Austria/Fantine:**  
I don't want you, no, no, M'sieur, let me go.

**Portugal/Bamatabois:**  
Is this a trick? I won't pay more!

**Austria/Fantine:**  
No, not at all.

**Portugal/Bamatabois:**  
You've got some nerve, you ugly slut  
You've got some gall.  
It's the same with a tart as it is with a grocer  
The customer sees what he gets in advance  
It's not for the whore to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir'  
It's not for the harlot to pick and to choose  
Or lead me to a dance!

**[He hits her with his stick, she claws at his face, drawing blood.] **

**Austria/Fantine:**  
I'll kill you, you bastard, try any of that!  
Even a whore who has gone to the bad  
Won't be had by a rat!

**Portugal/Bamatabois:**  
By Christ you'll pay for what you have done  
This rat will make you bleed, you'll see!  
I guarantee, I'll make you suffer  
For this disturbance of the peace  
For this insult to life and property!

**Austria/Fantine:**  
I beg you, don't report me sir  
I'll do whatever you may want

**Portugal/Bamatabois:**  
Make your excuse to the police!

**[Britain/Javert: enters, accompanied by constables.]**

**Britain/Javert:**  
Tell me quickly what's the story  
Who saw what and why and where  
Let him give a full description  
Let him answer to Britain/Javert:!  
In this nest of whores and vipers  
Let one speak who saw it all  
Who laid hands on this good man here?  
What's the substance of this brawl?

**Portugal/Bamatabois:****  
**Javert, would you believe it  
I was crossing from the park  
When this prostitute attacked me  
You can see she left her mark

**Britain/Javert:**  
She will answer for her actions  
When you make a full report  
You may rest assured, M'sieur,  
That she will answer to the court.

**Austria/Fantine:**  
There's a child who sorely needs me  
Please M'sieur, she's but that high  
Holy God, is there no mercy?  
If I go to jail she'll die!

**Britain/Javert:**  
I have heard such protestations  
Every day for twenty years  
Let's have no more explanations  
Save your breath and save your tears  
Honest work, just reward,  
That's the way to please the Lord.

**[Austria/Fantine gives a last despairing cry as she is arrested. Netherlands/Valjean emerges from the crowd.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
A moment of your time, Javert  
I do believe this woman's tale

**Britain/Javert:**  
But M'sieur Mayor!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
You've done your duty  
Let her be  
She needs a doctor, not a jail.

**Britain/Javert:**  
But M'sieur Mayor!

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Can this be?

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Where will she end -  
This child without a friend?  
I've seen your face before  
Show me some way to help you  
How have you come to grief  
In a place such as this?

**Austria/Fantine:**  
M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray  
It's hard enough I've lost my pride  
You let your foreman send me away  
Yes, you were there, and turned aside  
I never did no wrong

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Is it true, what I have done?  
To an innocent soul?  
Had I only known then...

**Austria/Fantine:**  
My daughter's close to dying  
If there's a God above  
He'd let me die instead

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
In His name my task has just begun  
I will see it done!  
I will see it done!

**Britain/Javert:**  
But M'sieur Mayor!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
I will see it done!

**Britain/Javert:**  
But M'sieur Mayor!

**Voices:**  
Look out! It's a runaway cart!

* * *

**The Runaway Cart**  
**[The crowd parts to reveal that the cart has crashed, trapping M. Fauchelevant.] **

**Voices:**  
Look at that!  
Look at that!  
It's Monsieur Fauchelevant!  
Don't approach! Don't go near!  
At the risk of your life!  
He is caught by the wheel!  
Oh, the pitiful man.  
Stay away, turn away,  
There is nothing to do..  
There is nothing to do..

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Is there anyone here  
Who will rescue the man?  
Who will help me to shoulder  
The weight of the cart?

**Voices:**  
Don't go near him, Mr. Mayor  
The load is heavy as hell  
The old man's a goner for sure  
It'll kill you as well.

**[Netherlands/Valjean attempts to lift the cart. They manage to pull Fauchelevant clear.]****  
**  
**Luxembourg/Fauchelevant:**  
M'sieur le Mayor, I have no words  
You come from God, you are a saint.  
**  
****[Britain/Javert takes Netherlands/Valjean aside.]**  
**  
****Britain/Javert:**  
Can this be true?  
I don't believe what I see!  
A man your age  
To be as strong as you are...  
A memory stirs..  
You make me think of a man  
From years ago  
A man who broke his parole  
He disappeared  
Forgive me, Sir,  
I would not dare!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Say what you must, don't leave it there.

**Britain/Javert:**  
I have only known one other  
Who can do what you have done  
He's a convict from the chain gang  
He's been ten years on the run  
But he couldn't run forever  
We have found his hideaway  
And he's just been re-arrested  
And he comes to court today.  
Of course he now denies it  
You'd expect that of a con  
But he couldn't run forever,  
No, not even Jean Valjean!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
You say this man denies it all  
And gives no sign of understanding or repentance?  
You say this man is going to trial  
And that's he's sure to be returned  
To serve his sentence?  
Come to that, can you be sure,  
That I am not your man?

**Britain/Javert:**  
I have known the thief for ages  
Tracked him down through thick and thin  
And to make the matter certain  
There's the brand upon his skin  
He will bend, he will break  
This time there is no mistake.

* * *

**Who Am I?  
****[Britain/Javert leaves, Netherlands/Valjean is alone.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
He thinks that man is me!  
He knew him at a glance!  
That stranger he has found  
This man could be my chance  
Why should I save his hide  
Why should I right this wrong  
When I have come so far  
And struggled for so long?  
If I speak, I am condemned  
If I stay silent, I am damned!  
I am the master of hundreds of workers  
They all look to me  
How can I abandon them, how can they live  
If I am not free?  
If I speak, I am condemned  
If I stay silent, I am damned!

Who am I?  
Can I condemn this man to slavery  
Pretend I do not see his agony  
This innocent who bears my face  
Who goes to judgement in my place  
Who am I?  
Can I conceal myself for evermore?  
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?  
And must my name until I die  
Be no more than an alibi?  
Must I lie?  
How can I ever face my fellow man?  
How can I ever face myself again?  
My soul belongs to God, I know  
I made that bargain long ago  
He gave me hope, when hope was gone  
He gave me strength to journey on

**[He steps in front of the court]**

Who am I?  
Who am I?  
I am Jean Valjean!

**[He unbuttons his shirt to reveal the number tattooed to his chest.] **

And so Javert, you see it's true,  
That man bears no more guilt than you!  
Who am I?  
24601!

* * *

**Come To Me**  
**Austria/Fantine:**  
Cosette, it's turned so cold  
Cosette, it's past your bedtime  
You've played the day away, and soon it will be night

Come to me, Cosette the light is fading  
Don't you see the evening star appearing?  
Come to me, and rest against my shoulder  
How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder.  
Hurry near, another day is dying  
Don't you hear, the winter wind is crying?  
There's a darkness which comes without a warning  
But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Oh Fantine, your time is running out  
But Fantine, I swear this on my life

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Look M'sieur, where all the children play...

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Be at peace  
Be at peace evermore

**Austria/Fantine:**  
My Cosette...

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Shall live in my protection

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Take her now...  
**  
****Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Your child will want for nothing

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Good M'sieur, you come from God in heaven

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
And none will ever harm Cosette as long as I am living

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Take my hand, the night grows ever colder

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
And I will keep you warm

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Take my child, I give her to your keeping

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Take shelter from the storm  
**  
****Austria/Fantine:**  
For God's sake, please stay 'till I am sleeping  
And tell Cosette: I love her, and I'll see her when I wake...

* * *

**The Confrontation**  
**Britain/Javert:**  
Valjean, at last,  
We see each other plain  
`M'sieur le Mayor',  
You'll wear a different chain.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Before you say another word, Javert,  
Before you chain me up like a slave again  
Listen to me! There is something I must do.  
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.  
There is none but me who can intercede,  
In Mercy's name, three days are all I need.  
Then I'll return, I pledge my word.  
Then I'll return...

**Britain/Javert:**  
You must think me mad!  
I've hunted you across the years  
A man like you can never change  
A man... such as you...

**Britain/Javert: (in counterpoint)**  
Men like me can never change  
Men like you can never change  
No, 24601,  
My duty's to the law  
You have no rights  
Come with me 24601  
Now the wheel has turned around  
Jean Valjean: is nothing now  
Dare you talk to me of crime  
And the price you had to pay  
Every man is born in sin  
Every man must choose his way  
You know nothing of Javert:  
I was born inside a jail  
I was born with scum like you  
I am from the gutter too!  
**  
****Netherlands/Valjean: (in counterpoint)**  
Believe of me what you will  
There is a duty that I'm sworn to do  
You know nothing of my life  
All I did was steal some bread  
You know nothing of the world  
You would rather see me dead  
But not before I see this justice done  
I am warning you Javert;  
I'm a stronger man by far  
There is power in me yet  
My race is not yet run  
I am warning you Javert;  
There is nothing I won't dare  
If I have to kill you here  
I'll do what must be done!

**[Netherlands/Valjean breaks chair and threatens Britain/Javert with the broken piece. Turns to Austria/Fantine.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
And this I swear to you tonight

**Britain/Javert:**  
There is no place for you to hide  
**  
****Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Your child will live within my care

**Britain/Javert:**  
Wherever you may hide away

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
And I will raise her to the light.  
**  
****Netherlands/Valjean & Britain/Javert:**  
I swear to you, I will be there!

**[They fight, Britain/Javert is knocked out. Netherlands/Valjean escapes.]**

* * *

**Castle On a Cloud**  
**[Young Belgium/Cosette is working as a drudge in the Thenardier's/Prussia's inn at Montfermeil.]**

**Young Belgium/Cosette:**  
There is a castle on a cloud,  
I like to go there in my sleep,  
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,  
Not in my castle on a cloud.  
There is a room that's full of toys,  
There are a hundred boys and girls,  
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,  
Not in my castle on a cloud.  
There is a lady all in white,  
Holds me and sings a lullaby,  
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,  
She says "Belgium/Cosette:, I love you very much."  
I know a place where no one's lost,  
I know a place where no one cries,  
Crying at all is not allowed,  
Not in my castle on a cloud.

Oh help! I think I hear them now,  
And I'm nowhere near finished sweeping and  
Scrubbing and polishing the floor.  
Oh, it's her! It's Madame!

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Now look who's here  
The little madam herself!  
Pretending once again she's been 'so awfully good',  
Better not let me catch you slacking  
Better not catch my eye!  
Ten rotten francs your mother sends me  
What is that going to buy?  
Now take that pail  
My little 'Mademoiselle'  
And go and draw some water from the well!  
We should never have taken you in in the first place  
How stupid, the things that we do!  
Like mother like daughter, the scum of the street.

Eponine, come my dear, Eponine, let me see you  
You look very well in that new little blue hat  
There's some little children who know how to behave  
And they know what to wear  
And I'm saying thank heaven for that.  
Still there Cosette?  
Your tears will do you no good.  
I told you fetch some water from the well in the wood...

**Young Belgium/Cosette:**  
Please do not send me out alone  
Not in the darkness on my own!

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Enough of that, or I'll forget to be nice!  
You heard me ask for something,  
And I never ask twice!

**[Young Romano/Eponine pushes Belgium/Cosette out. Thenardier/Prussia says good night to his son as the inn fills up for the evening.]**

* * *

**Master of the House**  
**Drinkers**:  
Come on you old pest  
Fetch a bottle of your best  
What's the nectar of the day?

**[Thenardier/Prussia:/Prussia: enters with a flask of wine.]**

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Here, try this lot  
Guaranteed to hit the spot  
Or I'm not Thenardier!

**Drinkers:**  
Gissa glass a' rum  
Landlord, over here!

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
**[To himself]** Right away, you scum  
**[To customer]** Right away, M'sieur

**Drinkers:**  
God this place has gone to hell  
So you tell me every year

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
My band of soaks  
My den of dissolutes  
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts.  
My sons of whores  
Spent their lives in my inn  
Homing pigeons homing in  
Then fly through my doors  
And their money's as good as yours

[Thenardier/Prussia:/Prussia: greets a new customer.]

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Welcome, M'sieur  
Sit yourself down  
And meet the best  
Innkeeper in town  
As for the rest  
All of 'em crooks  
Rooking their guests  
And cooking the books  
Seldom do you see  
Honest men like me  
A gent of good intent  
Who's content to be

Master of the house  
Doling out the charm  
Ready with a handshake  
And an open palm  
Tells a saucy tale  
Makes a little stir  
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur  
Glad to do a friend a favor  
Doesn't cost me to be nice  
But nothing gets you nothing  
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house  
Keeper of the zoo  
Ready to relieve 'em  
Of a sou or two  
Watering the wine  
Making up the weight  
Pickin' up their knick-knacks  
When they can't see straight  
Everybody loves a landlord  
Everybody's buxom friend  
I do whatever pleases  
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

**Thenardier/Prussia & Drinkers:**  
Master of the house  
Quick to catch yer eye  
Never wants a passerby  
To pass him by  
Servant to the poor  
Butler to the great  
Comforter, philosopher,  
And lifelong mate!  
Everybody's boon companion  
Everybody's chaperone

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
But lock up your valises  
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

**[To another new customer.]**

Enter M'sieur  
Lay down your load  
Unlace your boots  
And rest from the road  
This weighs a ton  
Travel's a curse  
But here we strive  
To lighten your purse  
Here the goose is cooked  
Here the fat is fried  
And nothing's overlooked  
Till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare  
Food beyond belief  
Mix it in a mincer  
And pretend it's beef  
Kidney of a horse  
Liver of a cat  
Filling up the sausages  
With this and that

Residents are more than welcome  
Bridal suite is occupied  
Reasonable charges  
Plus some little extras on the side!  
Charge 'em for the lice  
Extra for the mice  
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice  
Here a little slice  
There a little cut  
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut  
When it comes to fixing prices  
There are a lot of tricks he knows  
How it all increases  
All those bits and pieces  
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

**Thenardier/Prussia & Chorus:**  
Master of the house  
Quick to catch yer eye  
Never wants a passerby  
To pass him by  
Servant to the poor  
Butler to the great  
Comforter, philosopher,  
And lifelong mate!  
Everybody's boon companion  
Gives 'em everything he's got

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Dirty bunch of geezers  
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
I used to dream  
That I would meet a prince  
But God Almighty,  
Have you seen what's happened since?  
Master of the house?  
Isn't worth me spit!  
Comforter, philosopher'  
And lifelong shit!  
Cunning little brain  
Regular Voltaire  
Thinks he's quite a lover  
(But there's not much there)  
What a cruel trick of nature  
Landed me with such a louse  
God knows how I've lasted  
Living with this bastard in the house!

**Thenardier/Prussia & Drinkers:**  
Master of the house!

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary**  
Master and a half!

**Thenardier/Prussia & Drinkers:**  
Comforter, philosopher

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Don't make me laugh!

**Thenardier/Prussia & Drinkers:**  
Servant to the poor  
Butler to the great

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Hypocrite and toady  
And inebriate!

**Thenardier/Prussia & Drinkers:**  
Everybody bless the landlord!  
Everybody bless his spouse!

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Everybody raise a glass

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Raise it up the master's arse!

**All:**  
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!

* * *

**Waltz of Treachery**  
**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
What to do? What to say?  
Shall you carry our treasure away?  
What a gem! What a pearl!  
Beyond rubies is our little girl!  
How can we speak of debt?  
Let's not haggle for darling Cosette!  
Dear Austria/Fantine:, gone to rest  
Have we done for her child what is best?  
Shared our bread, shared each bone  
Treated her like she's one of our own!  
Like our own, Monsieur!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Your feelings do you credit, sir  
And I will ease the parting blow

[He pays them.]

Let us not talk of bargains or bones or greed  
Now, may I say, we are agreed?

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
That would quite fit the bill  
If she hadn't so often been ill  
Little dear, cost us dear  
Medicines are expensive, M'sieur  
Not that we begrudged a sou  
It's no more than we Christians must do!

**M. and Mme. Thenardier/Prussia & Hungary:**  
One thing more, one small doubt  
There are treacherous people about  
No offense, please reflect  
Your intentions may not be... correct?

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
No more words, here's your price.  
Fifteen hundred for your sacrifice  
Come, Belgium/Cosette:, say goodbye,  
Let us seek out some friendlier sky.  
Thank you both for Belgium/Cosette:  
It won't take you too long to forget.

**[Netherlands/Valjean and Belgium/Cosette leave the inn.]**

Come, Cosette:, come, my dear  
From now on I will always be here  
Where I go, you will be.

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
Will there be children  
And castles to see?

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Yes, Cosette,  
Yes, it's true  
There's a castle just waiting for you...

* * *

**Paris**  
**[1832. The teeming, squalid streets of Paris. Beggars, urchins, prostitutes, students, etc.]**

**Beggars:**  
Look down, look down, and see the beggars at your feet  
Look down and show some mercy if you can  
Look down and see  
The sweepings of the streets  
Look down, look down,  
Upon your fellow man!

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
How do you do? My name's Gavroche;  
These are my people, here's my patch  
Not much to look at, nothing posh  
Nothing that you'd call up to scratch  
This is my school, my high society  
Here in the slums of Saint Michele  
We live on crumbs of humble piety  
Tough on the teeth, but what the hell!  
Think you're poor?  
Think you're free?  
Follow me, follow me!

**Beggars:**  
Look down, and show some mercy if you can  
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man

**[An old beggar woman finds a young prostitute occupying her patch.]**

**Ukraine/Old Beggar Woman:**  
What you think yer at?  
Hanging round me pitch?  
If you're new around here, girl  
You've got a lot to learn

**Belarus/Young Prostitute:**  
Listen you old bat  
Crazy bloody witch  
'Least I give my customers  
Some pleasure in return

**Ukraine/Old Beggar Woman:**  
I know what you give!  
Give 'em all the pox!  
Spread around your poison  
Till they end up in a box

**Russia/Pimp:**  
Leave the poor old cow,  
Move it, Madeleine  
She used to be no better  
Till the clap got to her brain

**Beggars:**  
When's it gonna end?  
When we gonna live?  
Something's gotta happen now or  
Something's gonna give...  
It'll come, it'll come, it'll come  
It'll come, it'll come, it'll come

**Enjolras/France:**  
Where the leaders of the land?  
Where are the swells who run this show?

**Spain/Marius:**  
Only one man - and that's Lamarque  
Speaks for these people here below

**Beggars:**  
See our children fed  
Help us in our shame  
Something for a crust of bread  
In Holy Jesus' name

**Holy Rome/Urchin:**  
In the Lord's Holy name.

**Beggars:**  
In his name, in his name, in his name...

**Spain/Marius:**  
Lamarque is I'll and fading fast!  
Won't last the week out so they say

**Enjolras/France:**  
With all the anger in the land  
How long before the judgement day?  
Before we cut the fat ones down to size?  
Before the barricades arise?

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
Watch out for old Thenardier  
All of his family is on the make  
Once ran a hash-house down the way  
Bit of a swine and no mistake  
He's got a gang  
The bleeding layabouts  
Even his kid- he does his share  
That's Eponine, he knows his way about  
Only a kid, but hard to scare  
Do we care?  
Not a cuss!  
Long live us, long live us!

**Beggars:**  
Look down, look down, and show some mercy if you can  
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man!

* * *

**The Robbery **  
**[Thenardier/Prussia assembling his gang**.]

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Everyone here, you know your place  
Brujon, Babet, Claqusous  
You, Montparnasse, watch for the law  
With Eponine, take care.  
You turn on the tears  
No mistakes, my dears

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
These bloody students on our street  
Here they come slumming once again  
Our Romano/Eponine would kiss their feet  
She never had a scrap of brain

**Spain/Marius:**  
Eponine, what's up today?  
I haven't seen you much about.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
Here, you can always catch me in.

**Spain/Marius:**  
Mind the police don't catch you out!

**Romano/Eponine:**  
Here, whatcher doing with all them books?  
I could have been a student too!  
Don't judge a guy on how he looks...  
I know a lot of things I do!

**Spain/Marius:**  
Poor Eponine, the things you know  
You wouldn't find in books like these.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
I like the way you grow your hair

**Spain/Marius:**  
I like the way you always tease

**Romano/Eponine:**  
Little he knows!  
Little he sees!

**[Netherlands/Valjean arrives with Belgium/Cosette, now grown up.]**

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Here's the old boy. Stay on the job and watch out for  
The law.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
**[to Spain/Marius]** Stay out of this.

**Spain/Marius:**  
But Eponine...

**Romano/Eponine:**  
You'll be in trouble here  
It's not your concern  
You'll be in the clear

**[She pushes Spain/Marius away.]**

**Spain/Marius:**  
Who is that man?

**Romano/Eponine:**  
Leave me alone!

**Spain/Marius:**  
Why is he here? Hey, Eponine!

**[He begins to follow her, and bumps into Belgium/Cosette.]**

I didn't see you there, forgive me.

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Please M'sieur, come this way  
Here's a child that ain't eaten today.  
Save a life, spare a sou  
God rewards all the good that you do.  
Wait a bit. Know that face.  
Ain't the world a remarkable place?  
Men like me don't forget  
You're the bastard that borrowed Cosette:!

**[Thenardier/Prussia grabs Netherlands/Valjean and rips open his shirt, revealing the number on his chest.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
What is this? Are you mad?  
No, Monsieur, you don't know what you do!

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
You know me, you know me.  
I'm a con, just like you.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
It's the police! Disappear!  
Run for it! It's Javert!

**[Britain/Javert and constables break up the fight.**  
**Netherlands/Valjean picks himself up and looks for Belgium/Cosette, who is with Spain/Marius.]**

* * *

**Javerts' Intervention**  
**Britain/Javert:**  
Another brawl in the square  
Another stink in the air!  
Was there a witness to this?  
Well, let him speak to Britain/Javert:!  
M'sieur, the streets are not safe,  
But let these vermin beware  
We'll see that justice is done!

Look upon this fine collection  
Crawled from underneath a stone  
This swarm of worms and maggots  
Could have picked you to the bone!  
I know this man over here  
I know his name and his trade  
And on your witness, M'sieur,  
We'll see him suitably paid.

**[Netherlands/Valjean and Belgium/Cosette have disappeared.]**

But where's the gentleman gone?  
And why on earth did he run?

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
You will have a job to catch him  
He's the one you should arrest  
No more bourgeois when you scratch him  
Than that brand upon his chest!

**[The constables search for Netherlands/Valjean.]**

**Britain/Javert:**  
Could it be he's some old jailbird  
That the tide now washes in  
Heard my name and started running  
Had the brand upon his skin  
And the girl who stood beside him  
When I turned they both had gone  
Could he be the man I've hunted?  
Could it be he's Jean Valjean?

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
In the absence of a victim,  
Dear Inspector, may I go?  
And remember when you've nicked him,  
It was me who told you so!

**Britain/Javert:**  
Let the old man keep on running  
I will run him off his feet!

Everyone about your business  
Clear this garbage off the street!

* * *

**Stars**  
**Britain/Javert:**  
There, out in the darkness  
A fugitive running  
Fallen from God  
Fallen from grace  
God be my witness  
I never shall yield  
Till we come face to face  
Till we come face to face  
He knows his way in the dark  
But mine is the way of the Lord  
And those who follow the path of the righteous  
Shall have their reward  
And if they fall  
As Lucifer fell  
The flame  
The sword!  
Stars  
In your multitudes  
Scarce to be counted  
Filling the darkness  
With order and light  
You are the sentinels  
Silent and sure  
Keeping watch in the night  
Keeping watch in the night  
You know your place in the sky  
You hold your course and your aim  
And each in your season  
Returns and returns  
And is always the same  
And if you fall as Lucifer fell  
You fall in vain!  
And so it must be  
And so it is written  
On the doorway to paradise  
That those who falter and those who fall  
Must pay the price!  
Lord let me find him  
That I may see him  
Safe behind bars  
I will never rest  
Till then, this I swear  
This I swear by the stars!

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
That inspector thinks he's something  
But it's me who runs this town!  
And my theater never closes  
And the curtain's never down  
Trust Gavroche, have no fear  
You can always find me here!

* * *

**Red and Black**  
**[The ABC Cafe, where the students, led by Enjolras/France:, meet to discuss their revolutionary plans.]**

**America/Combeferre:  
**At Notre Dame  
The sections are prepared!

**Poland/Feuilly:  
**At rue de Bac  
They're straining at the leash!

**Denmark/Courfeyrac: **  
Students, workers, everyone  
There's a river on the run  
Like the flowing of the tide  
Paris coming to our side!

**Enjolras/France:**  
The time is near...  
So near.. it's stirring the blood in their veins!  
And yet beware...  
Don't let the wine go to your brains!  
For the army we fight is a dangerous foe  
With the men and the arms that we never can match  
Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies  
But the national guard will be harder to catch.  
We need a sign  
To rally the people  
To call them to arms  
To bring them in line!

**[Spain/Marius enters.]**

**Spain/Marius:, **you're late.

**Canada/Joly:**  
What's wrong today?  
You look as if you've seen a ghost.

**Grantaire/Germany:  
**Some wine and say what's going on!

**Spain/Marius:  
**A ghost you say... a ghost maybe  
She was just like a ghost to me  
One minute there, and she was gone!

**Grantaire/Germany:  
**I am agog!  
I am aghast!  
Is Marius in love at last?  
I have never heard him `ooh' and `aah'  
You talk of battles to be won  
But here he comes like Don Ju-an  
It's better than an o-per-a!

**Enjolras/France:  
**It is time for us all  
To decide who we are...  
Do we fight for the right  
To a night at the opera now?  
Have you asked of yourselves  
What's the price you might pay?  
Is it simply a game  
For rich young boys to play?  
The color of the world  
Is changing  
Day by day...  
Red - the blood of angry men!  
Black - the dark of ages past!  
Red - a world about to dawn!  
Black - the night that ends at last!

**Spain/Marius:  
**Had you been there tonight  
You might know how it feels  
To be struck to the bone  
In a moment of breathless delight!  
Had you been there tonight  
You might also have known  
How the world may be changed  
In just one burst of light!  
And what was right  
Seems wrong  
And what was wrong  
Seems right...

**Grantaire/Germany: [mocking...]  
**Red...

**Spain/Marius:  
**I feel my soul on fire!

**Grantaire/Germany:  
**Black...

**Spain/Marius:**  
My world if she's not there...

**All:**  
Red...

**Spain/Marius:**  
The color of desire!

**All:**  
Black...

**Spain/Marius:**  
The color of despair!

**Enjolras/France:**  
Spain/Marius:, you're no longer a child  
I do not doubt you mean it well  
But now there is a higher call  
Who cares about your lonely soul  
We strive toward a larger goal  
Our little lives don't count at all!

**All:**  
Red - the blood of angry men!  
Black - the dark of ages past!  
Red - a world about to dawn!  
Black - the night that ends at last!

**Enjolras/France:**  
Well, Courfeyrac, do we have all the guns?  
Feuilly, Combeferre, our time is running short.  
Grantaire/Germany:, put the bottle down!  
Do we have the guns we need?

**Grantaire/Germany:** **[drunk]**  
Give me brandy on my breath  
And I'll breath 'em all to death!

**Denmark/Courfeyrac:**  
In St. Antoine they're with us to a man!

**America/Combeferre:  
**In Notre Dame they're tearing up the stones!

**Poland/Feuilly:**  
Twenty rifles good as new.

**[Veneziano/Gavroche: rushes in, shouting.]**

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
Listen!

**Finland/Prouvaire:**  
Double that in Port St. Cloud!

**Veneziano/Gavroche:  
**Listen everybody!

**Estonia/Lesgles:**  
Seven guns in St. Martin!

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
General Lamarque  
Is dead!

**Enjolras/France:**  
Lamarque is dead.  
Lamarque! His death is the hour of fate.  
The people's man.  
His death is the sign we await!  
On his funeral day they will honor his name.  
It's a rallying cry that will reach every ear!  
In the death of Lamarque we will kindle the flame  
They will see that the day of salvation is near!  
The time is here!  
Let us welcome it gladly with courage and cheer  
Let us take to the streets with no doubt in our hearts  
But a jubilant shout  
They will come one and all  
They will come when we call!

* * *

**Do You Hear the People Sing?****  
Enjolras/France:**  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing a song of angry men?  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!

**America/Combeferre:**  
Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?  
Somewhere beyond the barricade  
Is there a world you long to see?

**Denmark/Courfeyrac:**  
Then join in the fight  
That will give you the right to be free!

**All:**  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing a song of angry men?  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!

**Poland/Feuilly:**  
Will you give all you can give  
So that our banner may advance  
Some will fall and some will live  
Will you stand up and take your chance?  
The blood of the martyrs  
Will water the meadows of France!

**All:**  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing a song of angry men?  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes

* * *

**In My Life****  
[Belgium/Cosette: stands in her garden on Rue Plumet.]**

**Belgium/Cosette:  
**How strange, this feeling that my life's begun at last  
This change, can people really fall in love so fast?  
What's the matter with you, Belgium/Cosette:?  
Have you been too much on your own?  
So many things unclear  
So many things unknown.

In my life  
There are so many questions and answers  
That somehow seem wrong  
In my life  
There are times when I catch in the silence  
The sigh of a faraway song  
And it sings  
Of a world that I long to see  
Out of reach  
Just a whisper away  
Waiting for me!

Does he know I'm alive?  
Do I know if he's real?  
Does he see what I saw?  
Does he feel what I feel?

In my life  
I'm no longer alone  
Now the love in my life  
Is so near  
Find me now, find me here!

**Netherlands/Valjean:  
**Dear Cosette,  
You're such a lonely child  
How pensive, how sad you seem to me  
Believe me, were it within my power  
I'd fill each passing hour  
How quiet it must be, I can see  
With only me for company.

**Belgium/Cosette:  
**There's so little I know  
That I'm longing to know  
Of the child that I was  
In a time long ago  
There's so little you say  
Of the life you have known  
Why you keep to yourself  
Why we're always alone  
So dark, so dark and deep  
The secrets that you keep!  
In my life  
I have all that I want  
You are loving and gentle and good.  
But Papa, dear Papa,  
In your eyes I am just like a child  
Who is lost in a wood

**Netherlands/Valjean:  
**No more words  
No more words, it's a time that is dead  
There are words  
That are better unheard, better unsaid.

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
In my life  
I'm no longer a child and I yearn  
For the truth that you know  
Of the years... years ago!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
You will learn  
Truth is given by God  
To us all  
In our time  
In our turn

**[Netherlands/Valjean leaves the garden; Spain/Marius and Romano/Eponine are outside.]**

**Spain/Marius:**  
In my life  
She has burst like the music of angels  
The light of the sun  
And my life seems to stop  
As if something is over  
And something has scarcely begun.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
You're the friend who has brought me here  
Thanks to you I am one with the Gods  
And Heaven is near!  
And I soar through a world that is new that is free...

**Romano/Eponine [to herself]**  
Every word that he says is a dagger in me!  
In my life  
There's been no one like him anywhere  
Anywhere, where he is...  
If he asked... I'd be his

**Spain/Marius & Romano/Eponine:**  
In my life  
There is someone who touches my life

**Spain/Marius:**  
Waiting near  
Waiting here

* * *

**A Heart Full Of Love****  
[Spain/Marius: goes into the garden, leaving Romano/Eponine outside.]  
Spain/Marius:**  
A heart full of love  
A heart full of song  
I'm doing everything all wrong  
Oh God, for shame  
I do not even know your name  
Dear Mad'moiselle  
Won't you say?  
Will you tell? 

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
A heart full of love  
No fear, no regret 

**Spain/Marius:**  
My name is Marius Pontmercy 

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
And mine's Cosette. 

**Spain/Marius:**  
Cosette:, I don't know what to say 

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
Then make no sound 

**Spain/Marius:**  
I am lost 

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
I am found! 

**Spain/Marius:  
**A heart full of light 

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
A night bright as day 

**Spain/Marius:**  
And you must never go away  
Belgium/Cosette:, Belgium/Cosette: 

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
This is a chain we'll never break 

**Spain/Marius:**  
Do I dream? 

**Belgium/Cosette**:  
I'm awake! 

**Spain/Marius: _Romano/Eponine [outside, interjecting]_**_  
_A heart full of love _He was never mine to lose_

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
A heart full of you _Why regret what could not be?_

**Spain/Marius:  
**A single look and then I knew. _These are words he'll never say_

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
I knew it too. _Not to me..._

**Spain/Marius:**  
From today... _Not to me..._

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
Every day _Not for me..._

**Belgium/Cosette & Spain/Marius:**  
For it isn't a dream _His heart full of love_  
Not a dream _He will never_  
After all! _Feel this way..._

* * *

**The Attack on Rue Plumet  
**** [Thenardier/Prussia arrives with the rest of his gang.]**

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
This is his lair  
I've seen the old fox around  
He keeps himself to himself  
He's staying close to the ground  
I smell profit here!

Ten years ago  
He came and paid for Cosette  
I let her go for a song  
It's time we settled the debt  
This'll cost him dear

**Cuba/Brujon:**  
What do I care  
Who you should rob  
Give me my share  
Finish the job!

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
You shut your mouth  
Give me your hand

**[He notices Romano/Eponine but doesn't recognize him.]**

**Cuba/Brujon:**  
What have we here?

**Thenardier/Prussia:  
**Who is this hussy?

**Iceland/Babet:**  
It's your brat Eponine  
Don't you know your own kid  
Why's he hanging about you?

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
'Ponine, get on home  
You're not needed in this  
We're enough here without you

**Romano/Eponine:**  
I know this house  
I tell you there's nothing here for you  
Just the old man and the girl  
They live ordinary lives

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Don't interfere  
You've got some gall  
Take care, young sir,  
You've got a lot to say!

**Cuba/Brujon:**  
He's going soft

**Turkey/Claquesous:**  
Happens to all

**Norway/Montparnasse:**  
Go home, 'Ponine,  
Go home, you're in the way

**Romano/Eponine:**  
I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here.

**Thenardier/Prussia:  
**One little scream and you'll regret it for a year.

** [She screams.]**

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
You wait my boy, you'll rue this night  
I'll make you scream, you'll scream all right  
Leave her to me, don't wait around  
Make for the sewers, go underground!

**[The gang scatters.]**

**Spain/Marius:**  
It was your cry sent them away  
Once more 'Ponine saving the day  
Dearest Cosette, my friend 'Ponine  
Brought me to you, showed me the way!

Someone is near  
Let's not be seen  
Somebody's here...

**[Spain/Marius leaves quickly as Netherlands/Valjean enters.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
My God, Cosette  
I heard a cry in the dark  
I heard the shout of angry voices in the street.

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
That was my cry you heard, Papa.  
I was afraid of what they'd do.  
They ran away when they heard my cry

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Belgium/Cosette:, my child, what will become of you?

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
Three men I saw beyond the wall  
Three men in shadow moving fast

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
This is a warning to us all  
These are the shadows of the past  
Must be Javert!  
He's found my cover at last!  
I've got to get Cosette away  
Before they return!  
We must get away from shadows  
They will never let us be  
Tomorrow to Calais  
Then a ship across the sea!  
Hurry, Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more  
Tomorrow we'll away!  
Hurry, Cosette, it's time to close another door  
And live another day!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
One day more,  
Another day, another destiny,  
This never ending road to Calvary;  
These men who seem to know my crime  
Will surely come a second time,  
One day more...

**Spain/Marius:**  
I did not live until today!  
How can I live when we are parted?

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
One day more...

**Spain/Marius & Belgium/Cosette:  
**Tomorrow you'll be worlds away,  
And yet with you, my world has started.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
One more day all on my own

**Spain/Marius & Belgium/Cosette:**  
Will we ever meet again?

**Romano/Eponine:**  
One more day with him not caring

**Spain/Marius & Belgium/Cosette:**  
I was born to be with you.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
What a life I might have known

**Spain/Marius & Belgium/Cosette:**  
And I swear I will be true!

**Romano/Eponine:  
**But he never saw me there...

**Enjolras/France:**  
One more day before the storm! (**Spain/Marius:** Do I follow where she goes?)  
At the barricades of Freedom! (**Spain/Marius:** Shall I join my brothers there! ?)  
When our ranks begin to form, (Spain/Marius: Do I stay or do I dare?)  
Will you take your place with me?

**All:**  
The time is now,  
The day is here!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
One day more!

**Britain/Javert:**  
One more day to revolution,  
We will nip it in the bud!  
We'll be ready for these schoolboys,  
They will wet themselves with blood!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
One day more!

**M. & Mme. Thenardier/Prussia & Hungary:**  
Watch'm run amuck,  
Catch'm as they fall,  
Never know your luck  
When there's a free-for-all,  
Here a little dip  
There a little touch,  
Most of them are goners  
So they won't miss much!

**Various Students:**  
One day to a new beginning  
Raise the flag of freedom high!  
Every man will be a king  
Every man will be a king  
There's a new world for the winning  
There's a new world to be won  
Do you hear the people sing?

**Spain/Marius:**  
My place is here,  
I fight with you!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
One day more!

**Spain/Marius & Belgium/Cosette:**  
I did not live until today!  
How can I live when we are parted?  
Tomorrow you'll be worlds away  
And yet with you my world has started

**Romano/Eponine**  
One more day all on my own...

**Britain/Javert:**  
I will join these people's heroes  
I will follow where they go  
I will know their little secrets,  
I will know the things they know.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
One day more!

**M. & Mme. Thenardier/Prussia & Hungary:**  
Watch 'em run amuck  
Catch 'em as they fall  
Never know your luck  
When there's a free-for-all

**Britain/Javert:**  
One more day to revolution  
We will nip it in the bud  
We'll be ready for these schoolboys  
Tomorrow is the judgement day

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Tomorrow we'll be far away,  
Tomorrow is the judgement day

**All:**  
Tomorrow we'll discover  
What our God in Heaven has in store!  
One more dawn  
One more day  
One day more!

* * *

**Upon These Stones**  
**[Enjolras/France: is addressing the revolutionaries.]**

**Enjolras/France:**  
Here upon these stones  
We will build our barricade  
In the heart of the city  
We claim as our own!  
Each man to his duty  
And don't be afraid.  
Wait! I will need a report  
On the strength of the foe.

**Britain/Javert: [disguised as a rebel]**  
I can find out the truth  
I know their ways  
Fought their wars  
Served my time  
In the days  
Of my youth!

**Various** **Students:**  
Now the people will fight  
And so they might  
Dogs will back  
Fleas will bite.  
They will do what is right

**[Spain/Marius spots Romano/Eponine, who is male in this version, not Nyotalia.]**  
**  
****Spain/Marius:**  
Hey little boy, what's this I see?  
God Eponine, the things you do!

**Romano/Eponine:**  
I know this is no place for me  
Still I would rather be with you.

**Spain/Marius:**  
Get out before the trouble starts  
Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot

**Romano/Eponine:**  
I got you worried, now I have  
That shows you like me quite a lot

**Spain/Marius:**  
There is a way that you can help  
You are the answer to a prayer  
Please take this letter to Cosette  
And pray to God that she's still there!  
**  
****[He walks to the Rue Plumet.] **

**Romano/Eponine:**  
Little you know...  
Little you care!

**[He meets Netherlands/Valjean.] **

I have a letter M'sieur  
It's addressed to your daughter Cosette:  
It's from a boy at the barricade, Sir  
In the Rue de Villette.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Give me that letter here, my boy

**Romano/Eponine**:  
He said to give it to Cosette.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
You have my word that my daughter will know  
What this letter contains.

**[He gives him a coin.]**

Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow  
And here's for your pains  
Go careful now, stay out of sight  
There's danger in the streets tonight.

**[He opens the letter and reads it aloud.]**

"Dearest Cosette:, you have entered my soul  
And soon you will be gone.  
Can it be only a day since we met  
And the world was reborn?  
If I should fall in the battle to come  
Let this be my goodbye  
Now that I know you love me as well  
It is harder to die...  
I pray that god will bring me home  
To be with you.  
Pray for your Marius, he prays for you!"  
**  
****[Netherlands/Valjean goes in, leaving Romano/Eponine alone.]**

* * *

**On My Own****  
****Romano/Eponine:**  
And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to  
Without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to  
And now the night is near  
Now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping  
I think of him and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping  
The city goes to bed  
And I can live inside my head

On my own  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone  
I walk with him till morning  
Without him  
I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver  
All the lights are misty in the river  
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight  
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind  
That I'm talking to myself and not to him  
And although I know that he is blind  
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him  
But when the night is over  
He is gone  
The river's just a river  
Without him  
The world around me changes  
The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers

I love him  
But every day I'm learning  
All my life  
I've only been pretending  
Without me  
His world would go on turning  
A world that's full of happiness  
That I have never known

I love him  
I love him  
I love him  
But only on my own

* * *

**At the Barricade****  
****[The barricade is now complete.]**  
**  
****Students:**  
Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade  
Let them come in their legions  
And they will be met  
Have faith in yourselves  
And don't be afraid  
Let's give 'em a screwing  
That they'll never forget!  
This is where it begins!  
And if I should die in the fight to be free  
Where the fighting is hardest  
There will I be  
Let them come if they dare  
We'll be there!

**Sweden/Army Officer: [Offstage]**  
You at the barricade listen to this  
No one is coming to help you to fight  
You're on your own  
You have no friends  
Give up your guns - or die!

**Enjolras/France:**  
Damn their warnings, damn their lies  
They will see the people rise!

**Students:**  
Damn their warnings, damn their lies  
They will see the people rise!

**[Britain/Javert: climbs over the barricade.]**

**Britain/Javert:**  
Listen my friends  
I have done as I said  
I have been to their lines  
I have counted each man  
I will tell what I can  
Better be warned  
They have armies to spare  
And the danger is real  
We will need all our cunning  
To bring them to heel.

**Enjolras/France:**  
Have faith  
If you know what their movements are  
We'll spoil their game  
There are ways that a people can fight  
We shall overcome their power

**Britain/Javert:**  
I have overheard their plans  
There will be no attack tonight  
They intend to starve us out  
Before they start a proper fight  
Concentrate their force  
Hit us from the right.

**[Veneziano/Gavroche enters.]****  
**  
**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
Liar!  
Good evening, dear inspector  
Lovely evening, my dear.  
I know this man, my friends  
His name is Inspector Javert:  
So don't believe a word he says  
'Cause none of it's true  
This only goes to show  
What little people can do!

And little people know  
When little people fight  
We may look easy pickings  
But we've got some bite  
So never kick a dog  
Because he's just a pup  
We'll fight like twenty armies  
And we won't give up  
So you'd better run for cover  
When the pup grows up!

**Grantaire/Germany:**  
Bravo, little Gavroche, you're the top of the class!

**Finland/Prouvaire:**  
So what are we going to do  
With this snake in the grass?

**Enjolras/France:**  
Tie this man and take him  
To the tavern in there  
The people will decide your fate  
Inspector Javert!

**Various Students:**  
Take the bastard now and shoot him!  
Let us watch the devil dance  
You'd have done the same Inspector  
If we'd let you have your chance!

**Britain/Javert:**  
Shoot me now or shoot me later  
Every schoolboy to his sport  
Death to each and every traitor  
I renounce your people's court!

**America/Combeferre:**  
Though we may not all survive here  
There are things that never die

**Grantaire/Germany:**  
What's the difference? Die a schoolboy  
Die a policeman die a spy!

**Enjolras/France:**  
Take this man, bring him through  
There is work we have to do!

**[Britain/Javert is bundled away as the first shots ring out. Romano/Eponine enters, wounded.] **

**Canada/Joly:**  
There's a boy climbing the barricade!

**Spain/Marius:**  
Good God! What are you doing?  
'Ponine, have you no fear?  
Have you seen my beloved?  
Why have you come back here?  
**  
****Romano/Eponine**:  
Took the letter like you said  
I met her father at the door  
He said he would give it  
**  
****[He collapses]**

Don't think I can stand any more.

**Spain/Marius:**  
Eponine, what's wrong? I feel...  
There's something wet upon your hair

**[There is blood on his hands]**

Eponine, you're hurt  
You need some help!  
Oh God, it's everywhere...

* * *

**A Little Fall Of Rain****  
****Romano/Eponine**:  
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius:  
I don't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now  
You're here, that's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
And rain will make the flowers grow.

**Spain/Marius:**  
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above...  
If I could heal your wounds with words of love...

**Romano/Eponine:**  
Just hold me now, and let it be.  
Shelter me, comfort me...

**Spain/Marius:****  
**You would live  
A hundred years  
If I could show you how  
I won't desert you now...

**Romano/Eponine:**  
The rain can't hurt me now  
This rain will wash away what's past  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
I'll sleep in your embrace at last  
The rain that brings you here  
Is Heaven-blessed!  
The skies begin to clear  
And I'm at rest  
A breath away from where you are  
I've come home from so far **_Spain/Marius: [in counterpoint]_**  
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius:  
I don't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now  
_Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine__  
__You won't feel any pain__  
__A little fall of rain__  
__Can hardly hurt you now__  
__I'm here__  
_That's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
And rain  
Will make the flowers... _I will stay with you__  
__Till you are sleeping__  
_And rain  
Will make the flowers...  
Grow.

**Romano/Eponine:**  
The rain can't hurt me now  
This rain will wash away what's past  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
I'll sleep in your embrace at last  
The rain that brings you here  
Is Heaven-blessed!  
The skies begin to clear  
And I'm at rest  
A breath away from where you are  
I've come home from so far **_Spain/Marius: [in counterpoint]_**_  
_So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius _Hush-a-bye, Eponine_  
I don't feel any pain _You won't feel any pain__  
_A little fall of rain _A little fall of rain_  
Can hardly hurt me now _Can hardly hurt you now_  
_I'm here__  
_That's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe _I will stay with you_  
And you will keep me close _Till you are sleeping_  
And rain _And rain_  
Will make the flowers... _Will make the flowers...__  
__Grow.__  
_  
**[He dies. Spain/Marius kisses him, then lays him on the ground.]**

* * *

**The First Attack****  
****Enjolras/France:**  
He is the first to fall  
The first of us to fall upon this barricade

**Spain/Marius:**  
His name was Eponine  
His life was cold and dark, yet he was unafraid.

**America/Combeferre:**  
We fight here in his name

**Finland/Prouvaire:**  
He will not die in vain.

**Estonia/Lesgles**:  
He will not be betrayed.

**[They carry his body away. Enjolras/France gives Netherlands/Valjean a gun.]**

**Enjolras/France:**  
Take this and use it well!  
But if you shoot us in the back,  
You'll never live to tell.  
**  
****Random Voices:**  
Platoon of sappers advancing toward the barricade!  
Troops behind them, fifty men or more!

**Enjolras/France:**  
FIRE!

**[Gunfire is heard.]**

**Poland/Feuilly:**  
Sniper!

**[Netherlands/Valjean shoots a sniper who is aiming at Enjolras/France.]**

**Estonia/Lesgles:**  
See how they run away!

**Grantaire/Germany:**  
By God we've won the day!

**Enjolras/France:**  
They will be back again,  
Make an attack again.

**[To Netherlands/Valjean:.]**

For your presence of mind  
For the deed you have done  
I will thank you M'sieur  
When our battle is won.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Give me no thanks M'sieur  
There is something that you can do.

**Enjolras/France:**  
If it is in my power...

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Give me the spy Javert  
Let me take care of him

**Britain/Javert:**  
The law is inside out  
The world is upside down

**Enjolras/France:**  
Do what you have to do,  
The man belongs to you.

The enemy may be regrouping. Hold yourself in readiness.  
Come my friends, back to your positions.  
The night is falling fast...

**[Netherlands/Valjean has taken Britain/Javert away.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
We meet again.

**Britain/Javert:**  
You've hungered for this all your life;  
Take your revenge!  
How right you should kill with a knife!

**[Netherlands/Valjean cuts the ropes which bind Britain/Javert.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
You talk too much,  
Your life is safe in my hands.

**Britain/Javert:**  
I don't understand

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Get out of here.

**Britain/Javert:**  
Valjean, take care,  
I'm warning you...  
**  
****Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Clear out of here.

**Britain/Javert:**  
Once a thief, forever a thief  
What you want you always steal!  
You would trade your life for mine.  
Yes, Valjean, you want a deal.  
Shoot me now for all I care!  
If you let me go beware.  
You'll still answer to Javert!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
You are wrong, and always have been wrong.  
I'm a man, no worse than any man.  
You are free, and there are no conditions,  
No bargains or petitions.  
There's nothing that I blame you for.  
You've done your duty, nothing more.  
If I come out of this alive, you'll find me  
At number fifty-five Rue Plumet  
No doubt our paths will cross again.

**[Netherlands/Valjean: fires his gun into the air, Britain/Javert: leaves quickly.****  
****Muted applause from the students who think Britain/Javert: has been shot.] **

**Enjolras/France:**  
Courfeyrac, you take the watch  
They won't attack until it's light  
Everybody stay awake  
We must be ready for the fight  
For the final fight  
Let no one sleep tonight!

* * *

**Drink With Me****  
****[The defenders settle down for the night with wine and a song.]**

**Enjolras/France:**  
Marius, rest.

**Poland/Feuilly:**  
Drink with me  
To days gone by  
Sing with me  
The songs we knew

**Finland/Prouvaire:**  
Here's to pretty girls  
Who went to our heads

**Canada/Joly:**  
Here's to witty girls  
Who went to our beds

**All:**  
Here's to them  
And here's to you!

**Grantaire/Germany:**  
Drink with me  
To days gone by  
Can it be  
You fear to die?  
Will the world remember you  
When you fall?  
Could it be your death  
Means nothing at all?  
Is your life just one more lie?

**Men:**  
Drink with me  
To days  
Gone by  
To the life  
That used  
To be  
Let the wine of friendship  
Never run dry

**Women:**  
Drink with me  
To days  
Gone by  
To the life  
That used  
To be  
At the shrine of friendship  
Never say die

**All:**  
Here's to you  
And here's  
To me...

**Spain/Marius:**  
Do I care if I should die  
Now she goes across the sea?  
Life without Cosette  
Means nothing at all  
Would you weep, Cosette,  
Should Marius fall?  
Will you weep,  
Cosette,  
For me?

**[Spain/Marius settles down to sleep.]**

* * *

**Bring Him Home****  
[Netherlands/Valjean is standing over Spain/Marius at the barricade.]**

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
God on high  
Hear my prayer  
In my need  
You have always been there  
He is young  
He's afraid  
Let him rest  
Heaven blessed.  
Bring him home  
Bring him home  
Bring him home.  
He's like the son I might have known  
If God had granted me a son.  
The summers die  
One by one  
How soon they fly  
On and on  
And I am old  
And will be gone.  
Bring him peace  
Bring him joy  
He is young  
He is only a boy  
You can take  
You can give  
Let him be  
Let him live  
If I die  
Let me die  
Let him live  
Bring him home  
Bring him home  
Bring him home.

* * *

**The Second Attack****  
****(The battle recommences)**

**Enjolras/France:**  
How do we stand, Feuilly? Make your report.

**Poland/Feuilly:**  
We've guns enough, but ammunition's short

**Spain/Marius:**  
Let me go into the streets  
There are bodies all around  
Ammunition to be had  
Lots of bullets to be found!

**Enjolras/France:**  
I won't let you go, it's too much of a chance!

**Spain/Marius:**  
The same is true for any man here!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Let me go. He's no more than a boy.  
I am old, I have nothing to fear.

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
You need somebody quicker and I volunteer!

**(Veneziano/Gavroche climbs the barricade)**

**Estonia/Lesgles:**  
Come back Gavroche, don't you dare!

**Canada/Joly:**  
Someone pull him down at once!

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
Look at me, I'm almost there!

**(Gunshot)**

**Veneziano/Gavroche:**  
Little people know, when  
Little people fight, we

**(Gunshot. Veneziano/Gavroche is wounded.)**

May look easy pickings  
But we've got some bite!

**(He is hit again.)**

So never kick a dog  
Because he's just a pup  
We'll fight like twenty armies  
And we won't give up  
So you'd better run for cover  
When the pup grows...  
**  
****(He dies)**

**The Final Battle**  
**Sweden/Army Officer:** **[from beyond the barricade]**  
You at the barricade listen to this  
The people of Paris sleep in their beds  
You have no chance  
No chance at all  
Why throw your lives away?

**Enjolras/France:**  
Let us die facing our foes  
Make them bleed while we can  
**  
****America/Combeferre:**  
Make 'em pay through the nose

**Denmark/Courfeyrac:**  
Make 'em pay for every man!

**Enjolras/France:**  
Let others rise  
To take our place  
Until the earth is free!

**[Amidst increasingly heavy gunfire, Spain/Marius is shot. Enjolras/France is killed at the summit of the barricade. All at the barricade are killed, except Spain/Marius, who is wounded and unconscious, and Netherlands/Valjean. Netherlands/Valjean discovers that Spain/Marius is still alive and carries him down into the sewers to escape. Britain/Javert: climbs over the barricade looking for Netherlands/Valjean's body. Not finding it, he realizes that Netherlands/Valjean must be in the sewers, so he goes off to where he must emerge.]**

* * *

**Dog Eats Dog****  
****Thenardier/Prussia:**  
here's a hint of gold  
stuck into a tooth  
pardon me monsieur  
you won't be needing it no more

shouldn't be too hard to sell  
add it to the pile  
add it to the stack  
here among the sewer rats  
a breath away from hell  
you get accustomed to the smell

well someone's got to clean them up my friends  
bodies on the highway  
law and order upside down  
someone's got to collect their odds and ends  
as a service to the town

here's a tasty ring  
pretty little thing  
wouldn't want to waste it  
that would really be a crime  
thank you sir I'm in your debt

here's a little toy  
take it off the boy  
his heart's no longer going  
and he's lived his little time  
but his watch is ticking yet

well someone's got to clean them up my friends  
before the little harvest disappears into the mud  
someone's got to collect their odds and ends  
when the gutters run with blood  
it's a world where the dog eats dog  
and they kill for the bones in the street  
and God in his heaven  
he don't interfere  
cause he's dead as the stiffs at my feet

I raise my eyes to see the heavens  
and only the moon looks down  
the harvest moon shines down

* * *

**Javerts' Suicide****  
****[Javert walks the deserted streets until he comes to a bridge over the river Seine.]**

**Britain/Javert**:  
Who is this man?  
What sort of devil is he?  
To have me caught in a trap  
And choose to let me go free?  
It was his hour at last  
To put a seal on my fate  
Wipe out the past  
And wash me clean off the slate!  
All it would take  
Was a flick of his knife  
Vengeance was his  
And he gave me back my life!  
Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief!  
Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase.  
I am the Law and the Law is not mocked  
I'll spit his pity right back in his face  
There is nothing on earth that we share  
It is either Valjean or Javert!

How can I now allow this man  
To hold dominion over me?  
This desperate man whom I have hunted  
He gave me my life, he gave me freedom.  
I should have perished by his hand!  
It was his right.  
It was my right to die as well  
Instead I live, but live in hell!  
And my thoughts fly apart  
Can this man be believed?  
Shall his sins be forgiven?  
Shall his crimes be reprieved?  
And must I now begin to doubt  
Who never doubted all these years?  
My heart is stone and still it trembles  
The world I have known is lost in shadow.  
Is he from heaven or from hell?  
And does he know  
That granting me my life today  
This man has killed me even so?  
I am reaching, but I fall  
And the stars are black and cold.  
As I stare into the void  
Of a world that cannot hold  
I'll escape now from the world  
From the world of Jean Valjean  
There is nowhere I can turn  
There is no way to go on...

**[He throws himself into the swollen river.]**

* * *

**Turning**  
**[The women of Paris mourn their lost loved ones.]**

**Women **  
Did you see them  
Going off to fight?  
Children of the barricade  
Who didn't last the night?  
Did you see them  
Lying where they died?  
Someone used to cradle them  
And kiss them when they cried.  
Did you see them  
Lying side by side?

Who will wake them?  
No one ever will.  
No one ever told them  
That a summer day can kill.  
They were schoolboys  
Never held a gun  
Fighting for a new world  
That would rise up like the sun  
Where's that new world  
Now the fighting's done?

Nothing changes, nothing ever will  
Every year another brat, another mouth to fill.  
Same old story, what's the use of tears?  
What's the use of praying if there's nobody who hears?  
Turning, turning, turning, turning, turning  
Through the years.

Turning, turning, turning through the years  
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.  
Nothing changes, nothing ever can  
Round and round the roundabout and back where you began!  
Round and round and back where you began!

* * *

**Empty Chairs at Empty Tables****  
****[Spain/Marius:, recovering from his wounds, imagines he's back at the ABC cafe.] **

**Spain/Marius:**  
There's a grief that can't be spoken  
There's a pain goes on and on  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Now my friends are dead and gone

Here they talked of revolution  
Here it was they lit the flame  
Here they sang about tomorrow  
And tomorrow never came.

From the table in the corner  
They could see a world reborn  
And they rose with voices ringing  
And I can hear them now!  
The very words that they had sung  
Became their last communion  
On the lonely barricade...  
At dawn.

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me.

**[The ghosts of those who died on the barricade appear.]**

That I live and you are gone  
There's a grief that can't be spoken  
There's a pain goes on and on

Phantom faces at the window  
Phantom shadows on the floor  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Where my friends will meet no more.

**[The ghosts fade away.]**

Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me  
What your sacrifice was for  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Where my friends will sing no more...

* * *

**Every Day****  
****[Belgium/Cosette: arrives to help Spain/Marius: in his recovery.]**

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
Every day  
You walk with stronger step  
You walk with longer step  
The worst is over

**Spain/Marius:**  
Every day  
I wonder every day  
Who was it brought me here  
From the barricade?

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
Don't think about it, Marius:.  
With all the years ahead of us!  
I will never go away  
And we will be together  
Every day. Every day,  
We'll remember that night  
And the vow that we made:

'A heart full of love  
A night full of you'

The words are old  
But always true  
Oh, God, for shame  
You did not even know my name.

**Spain/Marius:**  
Dear Mademoiselle  
I was lost in your spell.

**[Netherlands/Valjean: enters, unnoticed.]**

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
A heart full of love  
No fear no regret  
`My name is Marius Pontmercy'

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
She was never mine to keep  
She is youthful  
She is free.

**Spain/Marius:**  
Cosette, Cosette!

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
I saw you waiting and I knew.  
Love is the garden of the young

**Spain/Marius:**  
Waiting for you  
At your feet Let it be

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
At your call  
Let it be

**Spain/Marius & Belgium/Cosette:**  
At your call  
A heart full of love  
This I give you  
On this day.  
**  
****[They notice Netherlands/Valjean.]**

**Spain/Marius:**  
M'sieur, this is a day  
I can never forget  
Is gratitude enough  
For giving me Cosette?  
Your home shall be with us  
And not a day shall pass  
But will will prove our love  
To you, whom we shall call  
A father to us both  
A father to us all.

**[Belgium/Cosette leaves.]**

* * *

**Valjeans' Confession****  
****Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Not another word my son,  
There's something now that must be done  
You've spoken from the heart  
And I must do the same  
There is a story, sir  
Of slavery and shame  
That you alone must know.

I never told Cosette  
She had enough of tears  
She's never known the truth  
Of the story you must hear  
Of years ago.

There lived a man named Jean Valjean  
He stole some bread to save his sister's son  
For nineteen winters served his time  
In sweat he washed away his crime  
Years ago  
He broke parole and lived a life apart  
How could he tell Cosette and break her heart?  
It's for Cosette that this must be faced  
If he is caught she is disgraced  
The time is come to journey on  
And from this day he must be gone  
Who am I?  
Who am I?

**Spain/Marius:**  
You're Jean Valjean!  
What can I do  
That will turn you from this?  
Monsieur, you cannot leave  
Whatever I tell my beloved Cosette  
She will never believe!

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Make her believe  
I have gone on a journey  
A long way away  
Tell her my heart was too full for farewells  
It is better this way  
Promise me, M'sieur, Cosette will never know.

**Spain/Marius:**  
I give my word.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
... what I have spoken, why I must go.

**Spain/Marius:**  
For the sake of Cosette, it must be so.

* * *

**The Wedding****  
****Chorus:**  
Ring out the bells upon this day of days!  
May all the angels of the Lord above  
In jubilation sing their songs of praise!  
And crown this blessed time with peace and love

* * *

**Beggars at the Feast****  
****Seborgia/Major Domo:****  
**The Baron and Baroness de Thenard wish to pay  
their respects to the groom.

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
I forget, where we met  
Was it not at the Chateau Lafarge?  
Where the duke, did that puke  
Down the Duchess's de-coll-etage?  
**  
****Spain/Marius:****  
**No "Baron de Thenard"  
The circles I move in are humbler by far.  
Go away, Thenardier/Prussia:/Prussia:.  
Do you think I don't know who you are?

**Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
He's not fooled, told you so!  
Show M'sieur what you've come here to show,  
Tell the boy what you know!  
**  
****Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
Pity to disturb you at a feast like this,  
But five hundred francs surely wouldn't come amiss.

**Spain/Marius:**  
In God's name say what you have to say.

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
But first, you pay!

What I saw, clear as light,  
Jean Valjean in the sewers that night  
Had this corpse, on his back  
Hanging there like a bloody great sack  
I was there, never fear  
Even found me this fine souvenir

**Spain/Marius:**  
I know this, this was mine!  
This is surely some heavenly sign!

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
One thing more, mark this well,  
It was the night that the barricades fell.

**Spain/Marius:**  
Then it's true, then I'm right,  
Jean Valjean: was my saviour that night.  
As for you, take this too.  
God forgive us the things that we do.  
Come my love, come Cosette,  
This day's blessings are not over yet.

**Thenardier/Prussia:**  
Ain't it a laugh?  
Ain't it a treat?  
Hob-nobbin' here,  
Among the elite?  
There goes a prince,  
Here comes a Jew,  
This one's a queer,  
But what can you do?  
Paris at my feet,  
Paris in the dust,  
And here's me breaking bread  
With the upper crust!

Beggars at the feast,  
Master of the dance!  
Life is easy pickings  
If you grab your chance!  
Everywhere you go,  
Law abiding folk,  
Doing what is decent  
But they're mostly broke!  
Singing to the Lord on Sunday's,  
Praying for the gifts he'll send,

**Thenardier/Prussia & Mme. Thenardier/Hungary:**  
But we're the ones who take it  
We're the ones who make it in the end!  
Watch the buggers dance,  
Watch 'em 'til they drop!  
Keep you're wits about you  
And you'll stand on top!  
Masters of the land,  
Always get our share,  
Clear away the barricades  
And we're still there!  
We know where the wind is blowing,  
Money is the stuff we smell,  
And when we're rich as Croesus  
Jesus won't we see you all in hell!

* * *

**Epilogue****  
****Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Alone I wait in the shadows  
I count the hours till I can sleep  
I dreamed a dream Belgium/Cosette: stood by  
It made her weep to know I die.  
Alone at the end of the day  
Upon this wedding night I pray  
Take these children, my Lord, to thy embrace  
And show them grace.

God on high  
Hear my prayer  
Take me now  
To thy care  
Where You are  
Let me be  
Take me now  
Take me there  
Bring me home  
Bring me home.

**(Austria/Fantine's spirit appears to Netherlands/Valjean.)**

**Austria/Fantine:**  
M'sieur, I bless your name  
M'sieur, lay down your burden  
You raised my child in love  
And you will be with god.  
**  
****Netherlands/Valjean: (interjecting)**  
I am ready, Fantine  
At the end of my days  
She's the best of my life.

**(Spain/Marius and Belgium/Cosette rush into the room, but they do not see Austria/Fantine.)**

**Belgium/Cosette:****  
**Papa, papa, I do not understand!  
Are you alright? They said you'd gone away.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Cosette, my child, am I forgiven now?  
Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day.

**Spain/Marius:**  
It's you who must forgive a thoughtless fool  
It's you who must forgive a thankless man  
It's thanks to you that I am living  
And again I lay down my life at your feet.

Cosette, your father is a saint.  
When they wounded me  
He took me from the barricade  
Carried like a babe  
And brought me home to you!

**Netherlands/Valjean: (to Belgium/Cosette)**  
Now you are here  
Again beside me  
Now I can die in peace  
For now my life is blessed

**Belgium/Cosette:**  
You will live, Papa, you're going to live  
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die  
I'll obey  
I will try  
On this page  
I write my last confession  
Read it well  
When I at last am sleeping.  
It's a story  
Of those who always loved you  
Your mother gave her life for you  
Then gave you to my keeping.

**(The other spirits appear.)**

**Austria/Fantine:**  
Come with me  
Where chains will never bind you  
All your grief  
At last, at last behind you.  
Lord in Heaven  
Look down on him in mercy.

**Netherlands/Valjean:**  
Forgive me all my trespasses  
And take me to your glory.

**Netherlands/Valjean, Austria/Fantine, & Romano/Eponine**:  
Take my hand  
And lead you to salvation  
Take my love  
For love is everlasting.  
And remember  
The truth that once was spoken  
To love another person  
Is to see the face of God!

**Chorus:**  
Do you hear the people sing  
Lost in the valley of the night  
It is the music of a people  
Who are climbing to the light

For the wretched of the earth  
There is a flame that never dies  
Even the darkest night will end  
And the sun will rise.

They will live again in freedom  
In the garden of the Lord  
They will walk behind the plough-share  
They will put away the sword  
The chain will be broken  
And all men will have their reward!

Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the barricade  
Is there a world you long to see?  
Do you hear the people sing  
Say, do you hear the distant drums?  
It is the future that they bring  
When tomorrow comes!  
Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?  
Somewhere beyond the barricade  
Is there a world you long to see?  
Do you hear the people sing  
Say, do you hear the distant drums?  
It is the future that they bring  
When tomorrow comes!  
Tomorrow comes!  
Tomorrow comes!

* * *

**IT'S DONE! Sorry, but I've been working on this now for nine hours straight.  
So: casing queries to me, please. But for characters with only one or two lines, please don't ask about.  
Next: Little Shop of Horrors! (Both movie and musical!)  
Bye from DBM. Peace out.**


End file.
